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Last Sunday, I had two very profound conversations with two of close friends. Friend A, who we will call Lisa (to protect the innocent), recently had her first child and was telling me about how different and meaningful it is to her. How is better than any career that she could ever dream of having. How she resented having to go to work and leave her child. How when she saw that face, everything changed.
Now Lisa hadn't always been this way. She was (and I believe s
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Comments
01.07.09
I stayed home with my kids when they were babies - 1 year for the first and then 18 months with my second and her toddler sister.
While I was home the second time I got a technical certification and changed careers. It was not easy, but my husband is a teacher and his hours and his team spirit sure help.
I work with a lot of Gen Y dads with young kids. They are really my role models for getting the balance right. They work really hard while they're at work, they're available via cell phone, IM and email and will log in from home if necessary BUT they do not routinely put in crazy hours that compromise family life. They stay home when their kids are sick, and manage to get promoted anyway because they produce measurable results and make sure everyone knows it.
01.07.09
Gee, it seems so simple. My wife, who divorced an abusive husband, was awarded custody of his 3 kids from previous marriage as well as her two in her early 20's. She had no choice to cut back on work, because he disappeared and has never paid child support. All her energy went into housing, feeding and clothing her kids, which took two full time jobs. Anything not focused immediatele on her kids was put aside, including her dreams of going to college, a career change, and other aspirations. Nothing focuses you on your kids and the immediate things as knowing it's all on you to take care of them. In such cases, balance is a meaningless concept.
01.07.09
My mother cracked up when she stayed home with us. When my sister and I became teenagers, we did everything in our power to force her to go back to work because trying to live with a stay-home mother with the intellect and authoritativeness to have otherwise become dictator of a small island nation was going to crack us up as well.
As much as I love her and appreciate everything I learned from her, I also learned one thing: if I'm not actively engaged in a personal project that doesn't involve anyone else, I will drive my family insane. Work is a pretty good way of handling that, and I figure in the end it's better for the kids that I not drive them crazy.
01.07.09
If you have kids, you'll be the kind of mother you are. That may be different from both "Lisa" and "Kayla," and it may incorporate elements of both. Basically you'll have to wait and see.
And as long as the solution that you arrive at works for you and your family, what does it matter if it is the same as or different from what works for someone else and their family?
Plus, from what you've described, "Lisa" does still have her old drive and passion. They're just focused on something new. "Kayla," on the other hand, sounds like she needs a different solution. She's identified the problem, and hopefully she'll come up with a way to fix it. It doesn't sound like that's happening now.
01.07.09
@genxmom - Thanks for your comment. I guess it is all about working smart and being flexible. Congrats on all you have done! WOW!
@jrandom42 - you married quite a woman. I agree balance is a meaningless concept if you don't know what balance you are aiming for. Thanks!
@Kristen - I am the same way. Personal development and that taking time for yourself is something I feel I need to get much better at before I actually bring a baby into this mix.
@KateNonymous - You hit it spot on. They are great women who are just working through it all. Thanks for your comment!
01.07.09
Survival trumps pretty much everything, including balance.
It's like that scene in "Sounder" where, after the father is taken to prison, and the mother is left with small children to havest the cotton crop.
The oldest asks, "Momma, how are we going to do it?"
The mother replies, "We'll do it because we have to."
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