I'm in the under 30 crowd (27) and the only advice I can give is to do what I did. Make men who are interested in you take you on dates. Don't just hook up with them - see if you like them first before giving up the goods. But most importantly, DON'T move in with him. My boyfriend (now husband) wanted to move in a couple of years ago, and I refused. I made it clear that I wouldn't be living with any man other than my husband - I didn't pressure him to marry me, I just made clear my expectations about living together and marriage. Lo and behold, he proposed - I moved in a year later (1 week before the wedding.) He now tells me that part of the reason he proposed was because he wanted to live with me and knew that was the only way to get me to move in.

I know a lot of women with live-in boyfriends, I'd say 75% or more want to be married to said boyfriends, but the boyfriends aren't proposing. If the women had never moved in, the men would be forced to make a decision - either marry her, or break up and move in with a woman who's willing to settle with a lesser commitment.

Essentially - bring old school courtship back. It's actually more empowering to the woman.

Oh, man. I have a premonition that I'm about to walk into a hornet's nest, but here we go...

First, I hate that taking your career seriously is considered "masculine." When people tell me that the glass ceiling has been shattered, I can point to this.

And because we've given ourselves the freedom to "have sex like a man" (Sex & the City, ladies), we think we must be losing out on something. This must be why we're not getting asked to be married, etc. The truth of it is simply that we're dating men who aren't looking to get married. That's why all those live-in girlfriends aren't being proposed to. They haven't done anything wrong, they're not deficient in anyway. They are simply dating guys who are not in the life stage for marriage. They still want their adventures.

Why, as women, are we forcing ourselves to skip that adventure life stage? Why must we be obsessing over the marriage life stage? I recently asked myself what would happen if I actually dated a guy who was in the marriage life stage, who was looking for someone to build a life with. The answer? I would probably run for the hills! Because I'm not done with my adventures, I haven't settled my career path yet. There's still too much *I* want before I start compromising with someone else. I'm simply not at the settling down life stage. So, what's wrong with keeping my focus on my career, my adventures? Is that really so masculine? Or do I just know myself? So often what I hear referred to as "feminity" is the stuff of eyeliner, smooth skin, and lace.

I think a terribly interesting topic would be what modern feminity means, in a world where masculine and feminine as traditional gender roles don't exist as they used to.

@Not a Larry: I would personally love to hear more about these feminine, intelligent women of high quality in Asia and Europe. Because I seem to find myself always in competition with them!

The most important thing I've realized is that I've got to do whatever works for me, right now, that makes me happy.

And I don't think a return to traditional dating is a good idea. Yes, let's just reverse all that work the previous generations did for us. We romanticize the notion of opening doors, pulling out chairs, and goodnight kisses on the cheek, but I want more than that. That's settling for less than we deserve as people.

A successful career woman takes a lot of stress off her spouse. I'm married, work fulltime (make slightly more than my husband), and have two kids. My husband and I split responsibilities down the middle - and with both pull our weight financially. I know a lot of men whose wives stay home (which I belive is perfectly fine). However, these guys have to carry all the weight of financially supporting hte family and it really stresses them out. It isn't just girls who grow up with the expectation they will work as adults - boys grow up with the same expectation about girls.

So what's my point? Women who are successful in their careers are good for their partners.

Just because you have sex outside of marriage doesn't mean you are promiscous, nor does casual sex automatically mean "unprotected." I have a FWB, and we still use protection after a year.

And hello, it's not some "trend". It's how just how it is.

And your reputation? Are you serious? Are we in "Leave It to Beaver"? No one is marked as "damaged goods" or "ruined" these days.

This is the new world. You need to be world-savvy and street smart to navigate it, for sure. Anyone who's a total moron will do all those things you mentioned. But an intelligent, career-oriented woman? Please. We've needed smarts to get where we are. I think we can handle a little sexual liberation.

@The Real Anonymous

The Chivalrous Gentleman turned Stay At Home Dad sounds very lop-sided. Albeit, this sounds quite beneficial for women.
I can't say I know a lot of guys who would be thrilled at the prospect of using traditional means to find a wife who will become "head of household" rather than a "partner". However, if that works for you and your hubby - more power to you!

Why do we need to get married at all? It's an outdated institution for the purpose of making women into chattel and managing inheritances. Really, there is more to life than getting married.

@Kate - some people (myself included) don't view marriage that way. There isn't anything that says we 'have' to, but rather we choose to. Getting married was one the best events in my life, and assuming that there is 'more to life' than that is somewhat insulting.

I think it's important to separate out hooking up from one night stands and booty calls. For me, hooking up implies doing activities prior to and after having sex, so in my mind, it's basically a date. An example would be getting drinks and then having sex afterwards. Is that a date? Is that hooking up?

When most people get in a tizzy about casual sex, they're really talking about one night stands, which I typically disagree with, although I do think they serve a purpose. Also, there's no reason to think to think that hooking up is exclusive of emotional connection, intimacy, and intelligent dialogue...If you're achieving those things, which should be the goals in the first place, then why NOT skip the fancy dinners? Skip the bullshit, save some money, let's really get to know one another.

I haven't actually seen a study published there, but I commented on my blog earlier this month on an op-ed titled the "Demise of Dating" - is that what you are referencing? If it is Blow cites a study, but only one line from the study from what I saw when I looked it up before posting on my blog, there isn't a whole lot in that study about hooking up except as a trend and the study even admits trends in dating changing over time.

The study also uses Laura Stepp's "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both" as a reference. Not so impressive given the book has no statistical integrity. And the rest of his op-ed was Kait Bogle's findings paraphrased - with his "oh my's" thrown in.

Bogle noted a continued double standard in
"Hooking Up Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus" a book based on interviews, notes - the double standard is the problem as I see it.

I'm with whoever said if a man wants a wife he needs to date someone who wants to be a wife. Let those who have marriage as a life goal seek it out and leave those who don't alone. No need to analyze everything.

Things change over time the world does not stand still, women now work and have choices.

This was a great topic!

I am also in a relationship that started off very casual and then grew into something more and it's been PERFECT for me and my guy. It removed the need to lie. He didn't have to sell me a dream to have sex with him and I didn't have to pretend to be virginal to "make him respect me." Without the "when do we have sex" pressure, we were able to just be ourselves and discovered that we were very compatible outside of the bedroom as well. (And on top of that, we already knew the sex was good.)

I think that women sometimes focus so much on "what is going to be the result of this relationship?" that they often miss out on the pure experience of just getting to know a guy. Every relationship isn't marriage material, but that doesn't mean it's a waste. When you accept and experience men as they are you learn a lot, about life and yourself.

I understand that the goal for a lot of women is to get married. But you cannot create a good relationship based on your personal timetable. Finding your mate is not like applying for a job. There's no "1, 2, 3" process to it. Sometimes you really should just let things flow naturally. In the long run, it's better than pushing/pressuring the situation.

@Not a Larry and @Holly Hoffman
Asian lady right here!

It was really refreshing how you referred to Asians and East Europeans as marriage quality women. Thanks for the vote of confidence in the quality of women in this side of the world.

There are some things I dislike about this trend(Western guy seeking Asian/European wife and vice versa):

I dislike this mentality because most men who seek for wives in Asia,for example, are the ones who cannot seem to find a wife in their own country for several reasons other than they just prefer small, petite, brown-skinned women (Asians). Based on observation and a number of people I know,men seeking Asian wives are the ones who have been through a divorce etcetera, are very old and looking to hook up with a young Asian who is uneducated or is only in it for the money. What can a 50 year old guy have in common with an 18-25 year old Asian? This is how I see it from my side of the world and again, this is true of most interracial relationships I know.

@everyone
Speaking from experience, I jumped into a marriage BEFORE I reached my career ambitions, thinking I would first make it to MRS and then work to become VP afterwards. Bad idea because I married so young, I couldn't even "perfect" the whole wife role and there I was,already exhausted and spent trying to make it to the top. I don't have an answer to how a woman can make it to Mrs and VP by 30 but based on experience, I do know that trying to experience life to the fullest and exploring all opportunities, fulfilling your career ambitions and becoming successful in your chosen field before settling down is sage advice right there.

Hmmm...a dilemma indeed. I suppose the answer is different for every individual but when a woman learns to ask for what she wants in personal and professional relationships in an honest and open way that allows room for flexibility then I think that creates a space for her to achieve her goals romantically and professionally.

Because if she can carry this level of communication with another adult then she also knows how to create personal boundaries with others and herself, therefore respecting her need for affection, respect, time, success, etc, etc...

Women, successful romantic relationships and stellar careers can co-exist if we as women make it a point to set boundaries, ask for what we need and for what we want (there is a difference) and if we allow for some degree of flexibility. Women can be so goal-oriented and task driven that we will violate our very own boundaries just to achieve a perceived perception and that's where things can go oh so wrong.