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Dorie Morgan is using Brazen Careerist to share ideas. Join now to become a member and start networking with Dorie Morgan and other professionals just like you. Learn more.
Thirteen years ago today, I wore a plaid skirt and a red turtleneck at a courthouse. I also wore a deer in the headlights look while a judge in Doylestown, PA approved my adoption. I was 13 at the time.
I didn’t know how adoption would change my life. At the time, I just thought that it meant that I would get my dad’s last name. I also knew that it meant that if something ever happened to my mom, no one would be able to take me away from my family. I had no concept of the larger changes it would create.
I grew up in a single parent home. I don’t have all of the details of how we ended up in that position but they aren’t really necessary. No child really needs to know the personal details of their parents’ divorce. And in my case, it probably would have been too much for me to comprehend. What I know is this: my mother left Florida and her first husband when I was five months old. The divorce was final around the time I turned two. I have no recollection of my birth father - I have not seen him in at least 24 years.
I didn’t realize when I was little that my home life wasn’t “normal”. My grandfather and my mother’s younger brother stepped up to the plate and fulfilled most of the dad functions. I took my grandfather to the “Daddy & Daughter” dances my Girl Scout troop held. My uncle sewed buttons on my Halloween costumes and went to all of my recitals. In fact, I was slightly confused by the two parent household concept that my friends experience (wait, you have a dad and he’s always here?).
And then when I was eight, my mother met Thomas. Four months later, they were engaged and one day shy a year from their first date, they were married. And from that moment on, he wasn’t “Thomas” anymore. He was my Daddy.
He wasn’t just a step dad. He was my family.
He was the one who was insistent that I participated in summer theatre, even when money was tight, because I loved it so much. He was the one who commuted over an hour to work each day so I wouldn’t have to change schools after the wedding. He was the one who took care of me.
In his first year of marriage, my dad was the sudden parent of a nine year old girl (at a point when my parents should have been enjoying the honeymoon phase of marriage) but he did it with such grace and consistency that you would have thought he had been he had been there since the day I was born.
While I would love to tell you that I was just so lovable you couldn’t help yourself from loving me, it isn’t true. I was a pain in the ass. But my dad loved me and I am so blessed for that. I never thought of him as “my mom’s husband” because he immersed himself in creating our family.
His love was unconditional, even when I thought it wasn’t. Which might be a universal truth about learning how to be parented (something we all must learn) but it was so profound for me. I had/have a very hard time with letting myself be loved because once a long time ago, a man who was supposed to have a biological urge to love me unconditionally did not. Learning how to accept unconditional love was a painful and bitter process but something that I could not have survived life without.
My family
Why is this rubbish on a career site?
This "rubbish" is on a career site because someone from the career site looked at it and found it to be of value.
Maybe a good way to think of it is that careers do not exist in a vacuum. Careers are influenced by world events, personal hobbies and family and friends. Part of work/life balance is recognizing what is important to us and then figuring out how to incorporate it into our daily lives.
That's very pollyana-ish but the truth is your adoption doesnn't mean jack for my career. It does absolutely nothing for me. It does tell me that your need to tell your personal problems to the world means you desperately crave attention and your neediness would be an impediment to my organization. I'd pitch your resume in the trash as soon as I googled your name... then I'd hire someone who was more in touch with reality from anywhere but the United States.
@Dorie: This is such an awesome story to share during the holiday season. It really makes me appreciate all the non-traditional types of family I have in my life and what an impact those people have made on me.
@Joe: I truly hope you're not the one doing the hiring. You sound like you'd be a terrible manager. No heart whatsoever ...
Dorie, I had two friends in high school who had relationships with their adoptive/step-fathers that were immensely closer than lots of us with biological fathers around. Personally, I think there is something truly beautiful and loving about a man stepping up to be a father when he didn't have to be. You're blessed to have experienced that kind of love.
And if the only way people can appreciate this post is to fit it into some boxed idea of what a career is, then use Dorie's dad as an example of an employee we should all strive to be. He was flexible, committed, and passionate about the company (or in this case, family) he had joined.
Great post! Thanks for sharing, Dorie!
Thank you for sharing your story Dorie. My younger sister is adopted as well (I'm 13 years older than her). I will forward this post to her - I think she will find it very inspiring!
I can sympathize with Joe. He could have used more tact (a LOT more tact), but I can see his position. He probably checks out this site every day, eager to find interesting articles about the job market and careers, but often instead finds personal stories and stuff that just isn't what he's looking for.
And he finds these stories all the time.
I suspect that Dorie's story was just the straw (or sickeningly sweet cream puff) that broke the camel's back.
On one hand, I do understand that a daily blog sits needs a lot of stories to fill up the site. And that some of these stories are not really relevant to the purpose of the site. I wish that we could have fewer stories that are more relevant, but I know that things don't work that way. I also wish that the people behind the blogs were not so often the SUBJECT of the posts, but then I understand that blogs are like that.
Joe may also have an analytical just-the-facts personality, like me, that finds such personal stories....well...annoying. He comes here because of his job, and personal stuff is extraneous.
Anyway, I've apologized for Joe enough. He could be more diplomatic, but he has a point. I would suggest that Brazen Careerist be careful to focus on their niche as a career blog, and not let this become just a collection of personal life stories. The focus needs to be on the TOPIC, not the personalities.
Scott M is the type of person I wish would screen the content for this site... spot on mate.
@Marie - What a great observation! The characteristics that we bring to our families are important characteristics to bring to our careers as well.
Dorie, what a great story. I especially liked the part about learning how to be parented. My sister is not my full sister. I didn't know that until I was 12, and to my dad's credit. He loves my sister so much as his own, that I think he would be offended at my even saying that she's not. I appreciate that people choose to be parents.
Joe, if you have problems with the content, don't address the bloggers who are synicated here. Address the people who choose what to syndicate and write a letter to the editor. That's what we like to call "class."
In fairness, it's not clear that these posts are from other people's blogs and are put here by someone else. I didn't realize that Dorie had a blog of her own until she answered Joe.
@Scott M: That's where all of the blogs come from - Gen Yers who are just doing their best to blog about what they care about. There's no money involved in this. The bloggers who are *syndicated* here are just doing what they love - blogging - DESPITE the abuse.
This isn't easy, and when you abuse a blogger for doing what they do and not taking your complaints to Brazen Careerist about how they choose their editorial content, you're whipping a horse for it's driver.
If you will read the About section, it explains all of this, especially here: "We’re tired of the classic career sites that pretend to have all the answers. Aren’t you? Intelligent dialogue and community interaction are what we value on Brazen Careerist. Our contributors are bold enough to explore divisive topics, but sensible enough to admit that they don’t have all the answers. Personal development is rarely a one-size-fits-all, so why should advice be that way?"
You will notice that nowhere in the About section, nor on the main page, does Brazen Careerist explain that they choose the posts from other people's blogs and their inclusion in the Brazen Careerist web page is at the choice of the editorial staff. In fact the term "contributor" implies (to me anyway) that the posts are submitted to Brazen Careerist, which would mean that the blogger thought their post applied to the career-theme of the web page.
At least, thats how I thought it worked. Unless you are intimately aware of how Brazen Careerist works, I think most others would assume this too.
I should also point out that there is nowhere on a page a link that invites comments to the editorial staff - if you even knew there was an 'editorial staff'. So it's only natural that complaints about a particular post would be directed at the most visible person - the blogger.
I'm not saying that Joe wasn't rude... he was. But you can't fault him for airing his complaints in the comments of the post.
I think Holly summed everything up really well, but I also agree with Scott M ... it should be made more evident. And rest assured, we do our best to deal with these issues as they arrise.
It's a shame that the we had to clog up such an insightful post with this conversation, but at the same time it's great feedback. And as Brazen's Community Manager I always encourage feedback.
In the future feel free to contact me directly. I'm always available through my profile page and via email at ryanpaugh@brazencareerist.com. In the meantime, we'll be thinking of ways to make sure feedback is getting sent to the right source.
Thanks everyone.
Here's the thing: I think that the conversation is a good one and doesn't take away from the post (which, I agree with Scott, is outside the niche).
Regarding "attacking" the writer - well, that comes with the territory, paid or not. I have been writing professionally for 15 years (both paid and unpaid). In addition to blogging, I also write a newspaper column and I get the occasional person who hates what I wrote and lets me know it. Sometimes it hurts my feelings, but I don't pick a fight with the person. We're all entitled to our opinion. If you don't want any negative feedback, then don't publish your work online or anywhere else. You can share it with family and friends who will always tell you it's great. But if you want to be an honest-to-goodness writer, then you have to take the good with the bad. And most writers will tell you the good days make up for the bad ones.
Ryan, I think it would be a great idea to have a general mailbox indicated on the About page. Last time I checked, for example, there was no way to report technical issues. Editorial issues such as this one are another example.
Considering all of the drive for companies to be accessible and to hold a dialogue with their audience/customers, I'm kind of surprised that there isn't a clear way for us to interact with BC, rather than with individual bloggers. Right now, that's all that appears possible, even on the About page--unless we want to write letters.
@KateNonymous: That's something you're absolutely going to see more of in the future. And I'll absolutely drop you an email to tell you more.
In the meantime though, feel free to connect w/ me through my profile page. Private Messaging is an excellent way to connect w/ me or anyone in the community.
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