Have you ever been blindsided by an event which left you wondering: "Why didn't someone warn me this was going to happen?" Despite the human tendency to blab, there seem to be countless so called "secrets" of life that I never knew existed. I've been told that these things aren't so much secrets, but rather life lessons that I must experience to truly understand. To that I say, fine. But a heads up would have been nice.

I'm calling for a mandatory curriculum to be implemented in high schools nation-wide which covers the secrets of life up until age 25. After that, you're on your own. Of course, practical application of secret scenarios should be highly encouraged, as their occurrence is probably inevitable. But I think classroom study of potential pitfalls in life is the best way to minimize the harmful effects of being completely and totally thrown by them.

Here are some potential lessons for the Life Secrets: 101 syllabus:

Age 13: You're awkward. Embrace it.
It might have been somewhat comforting to know that everyone was just as awkward as me. Owl glasses and braces do not a cool kid make. But guess what-- everyone had them. It's a phase we all go through, so I shouldn't have been worried I was marked for life. It passed. Eventually. Of course, not everyone's awkward phase is memorialized in a Bat Mitzvah album which has sat on her parent's coffee table for the last nine years. Awesome.

Age 15: Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're a lesbian. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).
I couldn't fake a crush as well as my peers, so I had a good three seconds during which I was afraid I wasn't attracted to men. The next logical conclusion: I must be a lesbian. One problem though, I wasn't attracted to women either. So I had another good three seconds during which I was worried I was "non-sexual" and was fated to a life alone and sexless. Then I turned 16 and developed a raging crush on the lead (male) in the school play. Crisis averted.

Age 18: Drinking alcohol will help you make friends.
Contrary to what every high school teacher ever told you, drinking in college is a bonding activity that will foster meaningful friendships. That being said, it's not acceptable to drink yourself into a stupor and pass out on the lawn in front of your freshman dorm. A drinking age of 21 is really quite outdated and incredibly impractical. Bottom line, college kids are going to drink. Some kind of informational alcohol training session probably would have served me well. Being told that alcohol was the devil and then discovering it was really quite awesome threw me for a loop.

Age 21: Love is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Get ready for a world of hurt.
So, there's a reason you don't marry your first love. Maybe you need to have your heart stomped on in order to become more jaded about relationships. In turn you'll be pickier about the kind of person you let into your life, and only then will you eventually find the person who isn't Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The lesson here-- it's going to hurt. More than you probably could have ever imagined. And it's going to take months to put yourself back together. But you will, and eventually I hear you stop being spiteful.

Age 22: The time immediately after you graduate college will suck. Hardcore.
This is probably the best kept secret of all. No one tells you that the time after college but before you've decided on a career path will blow more than any other time in your life thus far. You're just floating and praying for some kind of guidance, whether that be in the form of advice from a boss at work or a swirly pattern in your cinnamon toast that looks sort of like an angel. I've tried both. I had a vague idea that life would be different after graduation, but I was unprepared for the immediacy of the "What are you going to do with your life?" question. Time is running out, and I will soon be forced to decide if I want to continue in PR, go to law school, or found an artist's colony off the coast of Guatemala. The last one might be fun, but I think I'd miss running water too much.

These are just a few lessons I have learned the hard way. We're talking hours and hours of anxiety and tears and stress-induced stomach cramps. I think the damage could have been dramatically reduced had I been given some kind of crash course in life secrets. Or better yet, if they weren't secrets to begin with.

So here's an appeal to all you adults out there who've lived and learned. If there's some big lesson waiting for me at age 23, please give me a heads up. I'd really appreciate it.