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While diligently working away, looking for a job today, after returning from my job search support group, my dog let me know that she wanted to go outside. Tuesdays, I don't always go to the dog park, so I took her for a little walk around the capitol. Whenever I walk, I listen to my music, and I think about what I am going to write about. I think it's time I share my theory on how to have a successful marriage. (This - coming from someone who has never been married)..... I have had this theory for ten years.
Something I noticed when I was about eighteen, was that people I knew who were divorced/getting divorced had married young, and hadn't experienced more than one long term relationship. I decided then that if you don't live with someone who you think you are going to marry, and then break up, and marry someone else, your chances are less likely of staying together. I would love to do the research on this, and I know there have been studies done on this topic. Looking back, I am impressed that at eighteen, I picked up on this.
Talking with a girlfriend recently, she told me that her sister, who is about my age, is unsure if she wants to stay with her husband. Here is how the convo went:
Me: Let me guess? She married her first boyfriend?
Friend: Sure did. How did you know?
Me: Just a guess. Is she going out with her girlfriends a lot, and flirting with other guys?
Friend: Oh my God, how did you know?
Me: She was too young when she got married. She likes the attention she gets from other men. It sounds like she is going to get divorced.
Friend: No, she wants to make it work.
Me: She's doomed.
At twenty-two, in 2002, I had a short lived romance with this hot guy, who I thought would be a keeper. He was around my age, and he was a hottie (I will call him "Chad"). I was visiting family in New York, when I told them my theory. This is exactly what I said:
"I am convinced that I will have two more relationships after Chad, where in each relationship, I will live with the guy, and I will assume that we will get married, only to break up. It's important to have this, so that you "live" a little, and increase your chances of marrying the right person."
My family laughed at this, but I think they thought it was a good plan for someone like me, who is always unsure of things, and always ready for the next chapter.
I really hoped I was wrong. Especially when I was in these relationships, where I thought maybe they were "forever." But, unfortunately (or fortunately), I was dead on.
It wasn't long ago that I spoke with someone's Dad from elementary school. He is about my Dad's age, and he went on about how much he loved his wife. I could tell he was genuine. Now, there is that old joke that once you marry, your sex life diminishes, if not vanishes completely. In his situation, he begged to differ. So, I asked him if he had been married before, or perhaps had lived with another woman before he married. Yes, he did. He was engaged to someone before he married his wife. His wife had dated a lot, and she had lived with someone. Theory proved with one sample....
I can't imagine marrying my first serious relationship. If I did, I would be on my third marriage by now. I cannot understand those people who marry their first long term boyfriend or girlfriend. I am proud of my decisions, as far as relationships are concerned.
If you ask me, I don't think I ever said I was going to marry anyone I dated, anyway. I was always scared and hoping that my theory was wrong - but I suppose I knew deep down, that there were more men in the pipeline.
Would you know that at my ten year high school reunion, there were maybe five women there who had married? I don't know how many out of my class are married, but not many. Our school emphasized the importance of becoming a trailblazer and a career woman, before settling. Maybe out of the fifty-two women in my class, I am guessing five of them have had children? Way to go, ladies! I bet my class will have a low divorce rate.
And so, the lesson to be learned here is to not marry your high school sweetheart (unless you took a little break from each other, and found that God wanted you to be together), and date as much as you can before you settle down. This will increase your chance of a long marriage (maybe forever).
And on another note - I would like to add that I am not ashamed to say that I will always look at other men, because Lord knows that we were not meant to be monogamous. Anyone who says that they can't look at another guy is crazy. It is unhealthy. I have no problem pointing out a beautiful woman to "Mr. Right Now," and he has no problem with me eyeing a handsome man. I can look..... I just can't touch.
I think the theory is a little too narrow, saying the likelihood of divorce is due to not dating enough. A better predictor of a successful relationship is how well each person knows him or herself.
Obviously, dating is a great way to find out more about yourself, but I would put the focus on "finding yourself" (cheesy, I know) rather than how many relationships I've had.
Ok, here's my question. Does living together mean you have to be on the same lease? Or is having two apartments but spending 29 out of 30 nights together enough?
It's funny to read this as I've had my own theories over the years. We make up theories to make ourselves feel better about the choices we've made. Here's one of mine - that no one meets their soul mate until they're ready to be in a relationship - good and ready - so all relationships leading up to "the one" are just practice for the real thing. Sounds nice and is probably true to some extent, but here's the truth:
The big secret to a successful marriage - this coming from one non-married girl to another - is just work. Good old-fashioned work, day in and day out. Not a sexy theory, but probably more accurate than most others out there... ;)
The research on this actually supports your main points. People who marry later do have a better chance of staying married. Also, people who cohabitate before marrying are actually more likely to divorce if they do eventually marry. This second point may be counterintuitive, but the findings are correlational. The theory is that people who are willing to cohabitate tend to be more liberal, not religious, and therefore more likely to call it quits, rather than stick it out,in an unhappy marriage.
I agree with Marie that part of the benefit of delaying marriage is getting to know oneself first.
Not sure what living together has to do with this. That sounds like an 18-year-old talking--one who hasn't yet seen a variety of relationships.
I think that knowing yourself is the key, and it isn't necessary to live with a romantic partner to do that.
I hope more people read your article! Interestingly a lot of my friends who got married in their 20's are now divorced. I guess no one really thought beyond the actual wedding itself. It's a pity really because some of them have children.
Getting married is a huge commitment, not something to take lightly. Like you all mentioned above...it's important to get to know oneself first. Give yourself some time to live a little, take a few risks and experience different possibilities. Society tells us to get married, settle down, and have kids and work 9-5. There is more to life! I am not saying be a careless – but do take the time to experience life before making a big commitment.
Personally I discourage anyone from getting married in their early to mid 20's. I am in my early 30's and my vision of an ideal partner for me is very different from when I was in my 20's. I think having some very positive and some not so positive relationship experiences – has really helped me figure out who I am and the type of partner I need in my life.
I think the bottom line to staying married is your perspective on marriage and commitment. For me and my wife, divorce is not an option in all but extreme cases. That means that when times get tough, when we disagree, and when we're angry at each other we work through it, sacrificing and compromising when necessary.
I doubt there has ever been a marriage that didn't have some seriously trying times. Some people decide that divorce is the better option at that point. Others, for some insane reason, decide to work through it, knowing they could just get out of the whole marital mess if they really wanted. But their understanding of marriage is that it's a permanent commitment, not something they can just walk away from even in the most frustrating of situations (some people are more extreme than others in this, and as I mentioned above, there are certainly extreme situations when I think divorce is warranted, such as abuse).
For those with a less permanent view of marriage, getting married younger seems to clearly increase the chances of divorce. It's much harder to stay committed to one person when you're young and you know you're passing up other romantic opportunities for the one you chose. As you grow older, and as you experience several different relationships, you become better informed of your options and what the opportunity costs of a committed relationship would be. Better informed people are naturally more likely to stick with their decisions than those who feel like they jumped into something too quickly and better opportunities are within their reach through divorce.
Cohabitation isn't at all necessary (we didn't for religious reasons), though I agree that the more you know about your spouse before you get married, the more you willingly and knowlingly accept about them going into the union. It's harder to feel good about issues you discover only after the deal has been sealed since that gives you an "I didn't sign up for this" type of feeling.
In short, previous dating experiences and a good portion of pre-marriage dating can help to minimize some of the post-wedding regret/indecision, but more likely to ensure a long and happy marriage are high levels of commitment, selflessness, and a perspective that all of the benefits of marriage (to you, your spouse, your kids, and everyone around you) will be worth it when all is said and done.
I second your motion Amir when you stated: "I guess no one really thought beyond the actual wedding itself. It's a pity really because some of them have children."
A few 20 somethings I know married because of kids and like all of you have said the fact that they didn't know themselves, no doubt, had a hand in it too. Planning the wedding, being able to say you're a wife and being able to uphold an illusion of stability, all can definitley lure you in.
I'm 23, my fiance is 25 and we'll be getting married next year. We've been living together for 3 1/2 years but we've been friends since we were teenagers.
If you're theory has merit for my case then I am definitely doomed. And although I may not fully know myself at this point, I am loving who I am becoming while I'm with him.
Interesting post...
Good luck Tiffany! I hope everything works out exactly the way you and your fiance want it to.
I think generally speaking most people who get married young tend to get married for the wrong reasons (pressures, stablity, to be a princess for the day). So when difficult times hit, they are either not prepared or unwilling to work hard to keep it together.
But you guys seem to have a lot of history together and seem to know each other pretty well - which is beautiful!
Personally - I wasn't ready for marriage in my 20's. But now, at 33, I can confidently say that I am ready and mature enough to settle down with the right woman and work hard for my marriage. Divorce is not an option for me...once I make that committment I hope it's forever.
My family's more of a "marry your first relationship" type, and to be honest, it works for them. Even in my extended family tree, there's a total of one divorce. I think this is about attitude more than anything. We don't go into long-term relationships lightly, so when we stay in them and get married, we're not looking for something else.
You know, I have to admit I rolled my eyes when I saw the title of this post. "Great, another 23-year-old is going to tell me all about how to have a great marriage after being married for a year," I thought.
I was literally thinking the other day about how many people I know who married the first serious relationship they had. I've been in about 3. Which sucks. And I see this huge gap happening (around me anyway). Like if you don't get married at 23 or 24, then you don't get married until your early 30s. I hope you're theory is right, because that would mean the next one is keeper. And given my recent history, the next one is really gonna have to knock my socks off anyway. ;)
Interesting theory. I like it, and I think that your theory holds especially true for happy marriages. Just staying married isn't enough; but the happiest marriage I know of, the woman married the best friend of the guy she thought she would marry. And, of course, they weren't a couple of 22 year olds (not that anything is wrong with that, but getting married after 25 cuts the divorce likelihood in half).
I know, personally, that if I had married the first serious guy I would be divorced by now. We didn't know ourselves let alone each other. I also hope that your theory is true because, like Holly, my "next" guy would be my last!
I also think that people take marriage far too lightly, and that is the real reason for all the divorce. Marriage is work, but there are definite ways to make it easier, like knowing what you want out of life and being sure that the person you are with has the same goals.
Is the Elizabeth who left a comment by any chance related to Jane? If not, why not?
I really appreciate your comments. I should clarify something here. As a Sociology major, I would have had to define "serious." I use the example of living together, but I don't think you have to do that. You can call spending 28 out of 30 nights a month "living together." You could also probably consider having different apartments, but spending every weekend together "serious" as well. Whatever your definition may be of "serious" is yours to make. I do think you need the "practice," and you all made me think that, yes, perhaps I have to know myself before I choose my partner. It's possible I'm still soul searching. Rebecca is right, though. Although not a sexy theory, relationships are work, work, work. I respect whatever works for you!
I liked this post because it led to such great discussion and thinking! I agree with the theory in that it is a characteristic of what I believe are some major indicators of what makes a marriage work. Like the commenters said above it has to do with knowing yourself and your attitudes and beliefs towards marriage. I think the best thing about dating, at least for me, is figuring out what you want in your life partner. I've been in two serious relationships, prior to the one I'm in and I finally feel like I know what I'm looking for. On the same token, my coworker has been in two serious relationships, even engaged, prior to her current one and doesn't seem to get what she wants out of relationships. I worry that she is too focused on the marriage part and blinded to the warning signs!
I must admit, I was rather shaken after reading this post! I'm 24 and have been married to my 25-year-old husband for less than a month now and this post left me wondering what our chances of a lasting marriage were. Now I may not agree with everything that was stated in the post but I'm glad it opened a dialogue! So many of my friends won't have a serious conversation about relationships and they feel that I can no longer take part in their lives (and vice versa) because of my married status. It has also been said (okay, whispered in a drunken state) that they have doubts whether my marriage can succeed.
After all - I started dating my husband when I was 16.
When I started dating him, I never thought we would eventually get MARRIED! Who thinks of getting married when they're 16?? I know I didn't - I was more interested in what I was going to wear to prom and getting started on college applications. And yet here I am, 8 years later, married to my high school sweetheart. And I've never been happier.
That's not to say I didn't have my doubts. I shared some of the views that Jane relates in her post. How could I be SURE my husband was right for me? He had never had a serious relationship with anyone else (even though I was 16 at the time, I had already dated someone else for 2 1/2 years and had a few other short-term dating experiences) and he hadn't really gone on a date with more than two people! Besides, he went to college in a different state than I did - how we were going to make it work?
We found a way and I know others who have made their relationships work as well. HOW you make it work is completely personal and unique to your relationship. My husband and I took several breaks during our college years so that we could just be college students without having to be tied-down to a long-distance significant other. We even went so far as to ::gasp:: see other people! But what worked for us may not work for another couple.
I think the same statement can be applied to Jane's theory. I know plenty of people who fall into the trap of marrying young without prior relationship experience and end up divorcing later (my parents are prime examples). On the other hand, I know many couples who have been happily married to their first boyfriend/girlfriend for many years. I think it's all about how you approach the marriage. There's no catch-all advice to hand out or warnings to give - it's different for every couple. I will agree with several other comments here that say you have to know/love yourself before you can have a successful relationship and I agree with Jane that dating other people can help you learn what you like or dislike in a potential marriage partner, but in the end, keeping a marriage happy and healthy is the job of the two people involved.
As a Sociology minor (whose research focused on relationships) I found this post and the comments fascinating! Thank you, Jane and all of the other commentators!
You're theory is spot on, and there is statistics to prove it.
I have been married and divorced and I am now taking the plunge again at 37.
I learned a lot of lessons and tips from the failed marriage and have been applying them to the new relationship for more that 8 years now.
I'm happy to say then "new" approach is working, so well that I'm genuinely looking forward to be married! Which is a complete 180 degrees from about 10 years ago.
However I think there is a glaring omission in your post.
One that is more common than it seems.
When you are married you are in essence going into "business" with another human. Its a shared lifestyle, where each one's finances, credit history, family, career, and numerous other habits combine into one new unit.
The danger lies when your partner doesn't grow with you, or at a different rate than you. Or perhaps they grow in a different direction than you could have foreseen. All of this is the result of marrying too young.
You can 100% driven and committed to making a marriage work, however you will never change someone who isn't willing to change. Worse yet it may be you that has changed and you may not even know it.
I almost lost my life trying to make the marriage work. I went into deep depression that took years to get out of.
So always be careful how much "work" you put into a marriage.
If you're not happy for an extended period of time and you've exhausted your resources you need to walk away. You'd be surprised how often the grass IS greener on the other side of the fence.
Well, just want to say everyone wants to be with the right person. .But the right timing, self awareness has to be observed also. Many relationship failed to succeed because of weak foundation that they have created. What i'm meaning to say is. .just take it slow. .learn more about each other's likes and dislikes. .goals and future plans. One has to be mature enough in every aspect of life because marriage thing is serious it is a direction which shouldn't have to be taken for granted,it takes hard work. .efforts and self sacrificing.=)
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