If You Are Having An Affair

That's quite a stretch, taking a conversation and inferring that they're cheating on their spouses, based on some percieved tone. I can personally say that I've got two female friends (who I don't work with, but we meet frequently in situations like you describe) that I share this same type of information with, often in a similar manner as you describe. One of them has been a friend of mine for over 15 years, 3x longer than I've known my wife. A deep friendship isn't gender-specific.

And to your question about saying something to a person you don't know? Absolutely not. It's none of your business, you aren't the moral police, and they didn't ask for your opinion. Because if they are indeed having an affair, I doubt they are interested in your thoughts on the matter. And you're correct, they'll get caught eventually. But if you're wrong, you've potentially made a lot of problems for someone you've never met. That's pretty irresponsible.

RE: affairs - none of my business.

I have had my suspicions, but people are allowed to make their own stupid mistakes in life.

Let's assume for a moment that they are indeed having an affair.

In fact, let's assume every pair of people in the coffee shop is engaged in cheating on their spouse. Do you say anything? Absolutely not. Why? Because it's none of your business.

These people have not come to you for judgment, advice, or help. They have not asked your opinion, nor do they deserve your judgment.

That said, you have every right to your opinions. I know lots of people who would be a bit judgmental over a perceived affair. The important question is what you do with that judgment. Keeping your own council and preparing yourself to help if it's asked of you is a good plan. Thrusting yourself into their business is not.

"The bottom line is this: If you’re having an affair, stop it. You may think you’re being discreet. You may think you’re being secret. But you’re not."

That reminds me of the years I worked in Starbucks and other cafes in the area. Quite a few of our customers would meet their lovers in Starbucks - and later that night, they would bring their spouses back. No one was ever as discreet as they thought they were and quite often there was a group of awkward feeling baristas as someone was caught in their affair.

I agree with those who have said it's probably not your place to say something in this situation. You don't know enough.

If it were your best friend cheating on his wife or something, you might have a real decision to make - a moral conundrum. Support the friend even through the foolish times (I like what the best friend on The Family Man does when Nicholas Cage's character considers an affair), or tell the wife when it's questionable whether you should even stick your nose in their business.

But with a couple at the coffee shop, it seems pretty clear cut to me. Even if you did say something, it would only serve to make them angry. What could you do? Follow them home and tell their spouses? I can't see any good coming from it.

This is garnering enough attention to address it.

I hear your thoughts about "minding my own business," "what people do with their lives is no concern of yours," "don't say anything," etc.

I should give a little more background on the situation to better reflect where I'm coming from. When I ask, "Do I say anything?" I ask from the perspective of a pastor. That's what I do; that's how I'm trained to think; it's a reflex. As a pastor, I find myself thinking of the consequences of people's actions as well as my own:

"If I choose to get angry at this person driving in front of me, I'll carry that rage into another relationship, albeit in subtle ways."

"If I choose to cheat on my taxes, it will make it easier to cheat financially in other areas of my life."

"If this person chooses to carry on an affair - physical or emotional - it will have consequences not only for them, but for their spouse, their children (if they have any), their parents, friends, etc."

For instance, if you were an auto mechanic and you saw that a friend only had one lug nut left on their front tire, you would (if you were a good mechanic) probably tell your friend about their tire to keep them from harm. (A wheel cascading off a car is normally never a good thing.) You may say something like, "Hey, did you know that your wheel is dangerously close to falling off your car? Bring that in to my shop and I'll take care of that for you! No charge." You'd fix their tire and they'd be on their way.

In that situation, you wouldn't say, "I should just mind my own mechanic business and let them figure this out for themselves." You would use your mechanic knowledge of understanding what happens when all the lug nuts fall off of a wheel to protect your friend and others. (If their wheel falls off, it could fly off and hit a pedestrian, another car, cause an accident, etc. In other words, it wouldn't just affect the driver of the car with a missing wheel.)

In the same way, when I post situations like this, it's from the perspective of the mechanic in the above scenario.

I work at a church that has a lot of people. Those people sometimes have affairs. Most everyone who has an affair, with very little exception, never comes back to us as pastors and says, "Wow, having that affair was the best thing I ever did. It was the best decision I ever made!" On the contrary, the people who have affairs almost always come back saying, "I have just destroyed my life. This has affected everyone in my family. This was a terrible decision." My experience has shown me that's not the exception, that's the rule.

So when I write, from the perspective of a pastor, about seeing two people who are obviously not married to each other (further details have overwhelmingly confirmed this) carrying on in a manner that is questionable at best, adulterous at worst, I have to think to myself, "Am I watching the last lug nut fly off the wheel of these people's lives?" I automatically think about the death and destruction that could potentially enter into their lives as a result of the decisions they may be making.

As a pastor, I'm about bringing light and life into people's lives. Not death and destruction. My experience has shown me that affairs bring death and destruction into people's lives. Staying faithful to one's spouse - emotionally and physically - overwhelmingly brings light and life. If that is judgmental, I will gladly suffer the consequences.

Justin,

I hear the compassion you have when you talk about the urge to speak up when you see something wrong. The issue with your car mechanic analogy is that a persons relationship is not anywhere near as easy to diagnose as a loose lugnut, and far more volatile.

What's even more the case is your urge to intervene in this circumstance is less like observing a loose lugnut, and more like overhearing someone mention that they put air in their tire last week. If you were talking to a friend and said "I put air in my tire last week." and some nosy mechanic caught up to you later and said "Hey, I just wanted to warn you, any sign of a low tire could mean you need it replaced, you should really have that looked at." I suspect you might be a bit put out. You might just thank him and go on your way, but there are good odds that you would not have charitable feelings for said mechanic.

The real dilemma we come across when dealing with any uncertainties like the above, is that you assume the cheaters have no idea that what they're doing may be wrong. Perhaps worse, you assume it is wrong. There are any number of situations that could be in play, from the possibility that they aren't actually married, to having open relationships with their spouses. Or even to being old friends or ex-partners who have remained close. The certainty of a loose lugnut and wobbly wheel is nowhere to be found here.

I respect the moral authority that you hold in your congregation and religion, but that authority does not extend beyond the borders of your flock. I would say you should probably say something if they were a member of your congregation. But a stranger? You have no direct attachment or point of entry here, and placing yourself in the role of their pastor without their consent is (to me) ethically objectionable.

@Theo: You bring up a good point. Thank you for helping me clarify.

The real crux of this issue, at least as it's developed on this blog (I posted this on my other two blogs as well and both of them emerged with different "pivot points"), is whether or not I would confront this couple.

Most often I push things further than I actually believe, especially on blogs. Why? Simple. It creates discussion around the issue at hand. An issue that, I believe, has a central principle to it.

Whether or not I assume adultery is wrong in and of itself really does not matter. I only have to look at the effects. My experience informs me that adultery (or even quasi-adultery) is a very bad thing. If adultery were something good, everyone would do it. Most people choose not to, and not even necessarily because they don't want to. Most people stay faithful (although that number seems to be decreasing) because they know it is the better thing to do.

I don't know for sure, but I think you could make that case outside of a religious context.

PS - Thank you for being respectful in your disagreement. It makes interacting a lot more fun when it can be intelligently (and you can't spell "intelligently" without "gently").

They're adults, and you have no proof that what you suspect is true. You know what happens when you Assume. Stay out of it.

Also, read this -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse

No matter what you assume it isn't any of your business considering you don't know these people, they are not members of your church, and as has already been stated by another you have no moral authority over these people.

Relationships come in all shapes and forms. I assume you have no idea who these people are, what kind of relationships they have outside of the coffee shops, or with their spouses, and so on.

With the world so full of things to get involved in I am always perplexed when people are interested, even if only in a cerebral way, in this kind of thing. To see someone considering an intervention when the case is clearly out their jurisdiction (so to speak), is rather astounding.

You should try not to sit near them in that coffee shop in the future.

Clearly you should carry a red marker around in your pocket, so anytime you see suspected adulterers in public you can draw a big ole scarlet "A" on them. I mean, I can't believe the audacity of people - how dare 2 people of opposite genders engage in a conversation with someone other than their significant other!!!!!! And exchanging such "intimate details" as: “So-and-so did this at the bar this weekend” and, “Such-and-such is a slob and won’t pick up their stuff.” The nerve of people these days! Good thing we have people like you out there, patrolling coffee shops, enforcing morality, and preventing "death and destruction" from entering people's lives.

Affair or no affair, it happens to be none of your business. God is not about to rain brimstone of fire on us like He did to Sodom and Gomorrah because of adultery and other sins. It'll be redundant and pointless if he thinks of doing so, for we'll continue to do the same thing freely in hell. Hence, my Dear, let it go.