I've cried in the workplace before on several occasions. It's life. You're human. It happens. I wouldn't apologize for making someone else uncomfortable. That's their issue, not yours. You're not a freakin' robot. A wise man once told me, "Women don't cry when they're sad, they cry when they're angry." Whether your anger was directed at yourself or someone else, your tears probably arose from your frustration and feeling of loss of control. If you're trying to hold something in, you're not really being true to yourself or your co-workers. Let it all hang out, be open and honest and let the cards fall where they may.
I'm not going to tell you that you can never cry at work, but your own experience shows you this won't help you be perceived as a competent performer. An effective source of information about how to manage through your emotions without losing control is "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life" by Scott Spradlin.
You're a person, not a robot. You will feel fear, anger, anxiety, etc., at work. They key is to find effective strategies to deal with those feelings that don't make the people around you question your competence.
November 14, 2008 9:50 am
Anonymous
I've cried because my car door wouldn't shut when I was on my way to work one morning. I cried about it a lot. I was pissed. I was frustrated. I think the biggest reason was that it would effect what I thought of myself if I were late to work and I didn't want others to think that too.
I agree that crying is something women struggle with. Men don't make it easier, other women don't make it easier. It doesn't help us. I think part of the problem is that women can take things more personally-and yes, sometimes it depends on 'that time of the month'.
Here is what I do-when I get stressed out and I know that anything can make my waterworks flow, I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself of the things I've accomplished, and the compliments I get for my work. Sometimes I just have to tell myself I'm so awesome, others can't even tell how awesome I am. I also don't take work things personal. I look at any criticism as a business thing, and it isn't about me. Its about the company. I also take a little more time to relax and pay attention to me when those moments happen.
Hope this helps!
oh-if you really want to talk to your boss about your episode. I wouldn't mention the 'episode' part, but instead make clear that it was a mis-communication in how you both thought the meeting should go.
November 14, 2008 10:05 am
Scott M
One of the psychological issues of crying is that once you start, or even let out a hint of a sob, or crack in your voice, you get so embarrased that it makes you cry even more.
As a man who was who was picked on a lot as a kid, I know this well.
Here is a trick: To keep that tremble out of your voice, lower your voice. Not the volume. Lower the pitch. Lower it to a growl, if needed. This works with men and women. It gives you the impression of being angry or serious, which is usually also an appropriate emotion in situations where you want to cry.
It helps. Really. I've used it in several situations where I was so frustrated that I wanted to cry (and I'm a guy!) but I growled my way through it.
Milena was right: breathe. I've learned a lot about not crying in my therapist's office, believe it or not. I hate that I can't get my words out, and he says, "Holly, breathe. You never breathe." One deep inhalation and exhalation, and my tears are usually gone.
If you are having a particularly stressful time, make sure you are taking care of two things: eating and sleeping. You'd be surprised how those two things will level those emotional peaks and valleys.
Other than that, don't take it all so seriously. It's just a job. It ain't your life, and it ain't forever. Be strong in who you are, and don't let anyone make you feel defensive. I think that's why guys don't cry at work. They're good at fluffing their feathers up when they're under fire. It's like autoshield.
Remember that it's usually not even about you - it's about the person who's making you cry. In this instance, it sounds like your superior wanted you to take more responsibility so that her boss knew it wasn't her fault. You took the right approach - you got out of the problem and into the solution. That made you look strong, and perhaps your superior felt threatened. Remember, in the workplace, the majority of people are looking out for themselves.
I've also cried at work on more than one occasion, and the reason it frustrates me so much is that it gets completely misconstrued. I'm not crying because I'm sad or because I thought you were mean to me or because I can't handle the pressure. Mostly I cry when I feel frustrated and powerless. So when I feel the tears welling up, I either excuse myself as quickly as possible (once I claimed food poisoning) or try as hard as I can to think about something--even something completely unrelated to the issue at hand--that I have complete control over. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes I'm just screwed.
November 14, 2008 10:43 am
Amanda
I've had this issue at work as well. My boss is also very emotional - only you wouldn't always know it. Her advice to me was to pretend that you are the consultant in the room. Consultants NEVER show their emotions when they are with a client. She said this will help you disassociate from the stress to the point where you can see and respond to the acutal issue. I've been trying to do this recently and it has seemed to help. I still get frustrated in large meetings, but I'm better able to manage that, and keep it out of my voice.
That being said, crying is a very important release of pent up frustration. Just try to do it at home or with a friends instead. Or better yet, try not to put yourself in situations that allow your frustrations to get pent up!
November 14, 2008 11:59 am
Kristen
I have to confess to crying at work, and to be honest, there's a certain percentage of manipulation.
I particularly tend to cry when my projects are getting pushed aside and no one will allocate me any resources for them. This is mostly because I'm frustrated and freaking out that I'll lose my job by missing a deadline (that's not my fault). But it's also because I'm the youngest employee, the only girl in my department, and since that's the reason I'm getting pushed aside in the first place, I have no regrets about playing on their emotions to stay on schedule.
It can sometimes be really hard to not cry at work, and I usually cry if I feel like there's no way out of the hole I've dug for myself. What works for me is re-framing the situation so that I'm looking at the solutions, not the problems.
E.g., if my boss is giving me a really unfairly bad performance review, instead of crying at the sheer frustration of living with that kind of treatment, I focus on what I'm going to do to find a new job until the review is over.
you know, even as a woman, the stereotype that women cry at work does not sit well with me. Okay, I admit, the times that I have seen people cry at work it has been women - but still... Maybe the stereotype bothers me because I have never cried at work. And that's not because I'm emotionless. I am one to cry - man did I cry when I was growing up - mostly because I was so angry after my parents got divorced. From that experience I learned several things - which of course are entirely subjective. Mainly that crying, like saying I love you should be saved for real reasons. In my world, NOTHING that happens at work could match what a divorce or the death of a loved one feels like. I also know that crying does not solve anything - And being that I tend to be solution-focused, that's the other main reason I do not cry at work. Speaking to my boss when I'm not feeling emotional and presenting facts and arguments backed by solid data is what I have found get me what I want. I've also seen how tears can get people what they want in the short term, but I have yet to see it work as a long-term strategy. So how have I held back my tears? I just don't bring them to work. I bring other things to work. I'm not quite sure how my internal mechanism works but just like I use a hand-shake for when I meet people at work, and I kiss cheeks when I meet people outside of work, I leave tears outside of work.
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I've cried in the workplace before on several occasions. It's life. You're human. It happens. I wouldn't apologize for making someone else uncomfortable. That's their issue, not yours. You're not a freakin' robot. A wise man once told me, "Women don't cry when they're sad, they cry when they're angry." Whether your anger was directed at yourself or someone else, your tears probably arose from your frustration and feeling of loss of control. If you're trying to hold something in, you're not really being true to yourself or your co-workers. Let it all hang out, be open and honest and let the cards fall where they may.
I'm not going to tell you that you can never cry at work, but your own experience shows you this won't help you be perceived as a competent performer. An effective source of information about how to manage through your emotions without losing control is "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life" by Scott Spradlin.
You're a person, not a robot. You will feel fear, anger, anxiety, etc., at work. They key is to find effective strategies to deal with those feelings that don't make the people around you question your competence.
I've cried because my car door wouldn't shut when I was on my way to work one morning. I cried about it a lot. I was pissed. I was frustrated. I think the biggest reason was that it would effect what I thought of myself if I were late to work and I didn't want others to think that too.
I agree that crying is something women struggle with. Men don't make it easier, other women don't make it easier. It doesn't help us. I think part of the problem is that women can take things more personally-and yes, sometimes it depends on 'that time of the month'.
Here is what I do-when I get stressed out and I know that anything can make my waterworks flow, I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself of the things I've accomplished, and the compliments I get for my work. Sometimes I just have to tell myself I'm so awesome, others can't even tell how awesome I am. I also don't take work things personal. I look at any criticism as a business thing, and it isn't about me. Its about the company. I also take a little more time to relax and pay attention to me when those moments happen.
Hope this helps!
oh-if you really want to talk to your boss about your episode. I wouldn't mention the 'episode' part, but instead make clear that it was a mis-communication in how you both thought the meeting should go.
One of the psychological issues of crying is that once you start, or even let out a hint of a sob, or crack in your voice, you get so embarrased that it makes you cry even more.
As a man who was who was picked on a lot as a kid, I know this well.
Here is a trick: To keep that tremble out of your voice, lower your voice. Not the volume. Lower the pitch. Lower it to a growl, if needed. This works with men and women. It gives you the impression of being angry or serious, which is usually also an appropriate emotion in situations where you want to cry.
It helps. Really. I've used it in several situations where I was so frustrated that I wanted to cry (and I'm a guy!) but I growled my way through it.
Milena was right: breathe. I've learned a lot about not crying in my therapist's office, believe it or not. I hate that I can't get my words out, and he says, "Holly, breathe. You never breathe." One deep inhalation and exhalation, and my tears are usually gone.
If you are having a particularly stressful time, make sure you are taking care of two things: eating and sleeping. You'd be surprised how those two things will level those emotional peaks and valleys.
Other than that, don't take it all so seriously. It's just a job. It ain't your life, and it ain't forever. Be strong in who you are, and don't let anyone make you feel defensive. I think that's why guys don't cry at work. They're good at fluffing their feathers up when they're under fire. It's like autoshield.
Remember that it's usually not even about you - it's about the person who's making you cry. In this instance, it sounds like your superior wanted you to take more responsibility so that her boss knew it wasn't her fault. You took the right approach - you got out of the problem and into the solution. That made you look strong, and perhaps your superior felt threatened. Remember, in the workplace, the majority of people are looking out for themselves.
I've also cried at work on more than one occasion, and the reason it frustrates me so much is that it gets completely misconstrued. I'm not crying because I'm sad or because I thought you were mean to me or because I can't handle the pressure. Mostly I cry when I feel frustrated and powerless. So when I feel the tears welling up, I either excuse myself as quickly as possible (once I claimed food poisoning) or try as hard as I can to think about something--even something completely unrelated to the issue at hand--that I have complete control over. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes I'm just screwed.
I've had this issue at work as well. My boss is also very emotional - only you wouldn't always know it. Her advice to me was to pretend that you are the consultant in the room. Consultants NEVER show their emotions when they are with a client. She said this will help you disassociate from the stress to the point where you can see and respond to the acutal issue. I've been trying to do this recently and it has seemed to help. I still get frustrated in large meetings, but I'm better able to manage that, and keep it out of my voice.
That being said, crying is a very important release of pent up frustration. Just try to do it at home or with a friends instead. Or better yet, try not to put yourself in situations that allow your frustrations to get pent up!
I have to confess to crying at work, and to be honest, there's a certain percentage of manipulation.
I particularly tend to cry when my projects are getting pushed aside and no one will allocate me any resources for them. This is mostly because I'm frustrated and freaking out that I'll lose my job by missing a deadline (that's not my fault). But it's also because I'm the youngest employee, the only girl in my department, and since that's the reason I'm getting pushed aside in the first place, I have no regrets about playing on their emotions to stay on schedule.
It can sometimes be really hard to not cry at work, and I usually cry if I feel like there's no way out of the hole I've dug for myself. What works for me is re-framing the situation so that I'm looking at the solutions, not the problems.
E.g., if my boss is giving me a really unfairly bad performance review, instead of crying at the sheer frustration of living with that kind of treatment, I focus on what I'm going to do to find a new job until the review is over.
Thanks for all the great input and suggestions, 'yall!
you know, even as a woman, the stereotype that women cry at work does not sit well with me. Okay, I admit, the times that I have seen people cry at work it has been women - but still... Maybe the stereotype bothers me because I have never cried at work. And that's not because I'm emotionless. I am one to cry - man did I cry when I was growing up - mostly because I was so angry after my parents got divorced. From that experience I learned several things - which of course are entirely subjective. Mainly that crying, like saying I love you should be saved for real reasons. In my world, NOTHING that happens at work could match what a divorce or the death of a loved one feels like. I also know that crying does not solve anything - And being that I tend to be solution-focused, that's the other main reason I do not cry at work. Speaking to my boss when I'm not feeling emotional and presenting facts and arguments backed by solid data is what I have found get me what I want. I've also seen how tears can get people what they want in the short term, but I have yet to see it work as a long-term strategy. So how have I held back my tears? I just don't bring them to work. I bring other things to work. I'm not quite sure how my internal mechanism works but just like I use a hand-shake for when I meet people at work, and I kiss cheeks when I meet people outside of work, I leave tears outside of work.
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