Well, my wife and I are the same way. She's introverted, and a homebody. I'm not (even though I don't like people, go figure). So it's been a point of contention, but we've always managed to work through it. We've agreed that there are certain times and places that I go where I get to socialize, and she stays home and does her thing.
While this isn't a problem I have, as my wife and I are both on the MBTI introverted side of things and appreciate alone time, and can also be alone together (in the good way, not the bad), I'd like to think that this is something that can be overcome.
I think its a matter of awareness and expectations. I don't know your relationship, but you are quite aware of your and TB's tendencies. I don't know how much TB is aware of his or your tendencies and needs on this scale, but could this just be a challenge of education.
Even if TB does understand, the E/I divide can sometimes be a bit of a barrier, as it's something that can really affect your other behaviours. If you're both out of your elements and a little drained, then it can make it much harder to really communicate the current status.
To bring this to a point, maybe it's a matter of really laying the groundwork in this type of relationship. As you said, you needed a day of "Bre time". For everyone in this situation, I think it's key to set out the expectation of what that entails in a conversation while you're both at a good level of energy, and then invoke the situation when needed. That can prevent the issue of one partner needing to react when at a lower energy level.
November 4, 2008 11:22 am
Naomi
I usually wait till I blow up and say to hubby, "You're overwhelming me!!". He's used to it, so he doesn't get offended any more. That doesn't help much, does it?
Well, I'm an extrovert and my boyfriend is an introvert. We have come to the understanding that he can go into the "cave" sometimes where I don't bug him. Also, I guess this isn't you, but I discovered that he is perfectly happy hanging out with large groups if I don't pressure him to be at the helm of the group (where I always want to be myself). Basically, when I started accepting him for not being talkative in groups, I discovered he was fine being in them. Maybe this is something you might be feeling and could talk to TB about. Or maybe not!
But basically, I do think we crazy extroverts need a nice introvert to come home to. It can work!
November 4, 2008 2:06 pm
Robin
actually, have him read the article "the care and feeding of your introvert". I am an extrovert and he is an introvert and it helped a LOT.
I'm an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. It's been all about compromise for us - and it took us a while to figure it out! For instance, when we first met, I would call him everyday the minute I got out of work and try to pour out my whole day/inquire about his before I even left the parking lot. He, on the other hand, needs some time to decompress after work and would rather not talk on the phone right away. At first I was hurt that he didn't want to share with me, but then as I began to know him better, I realized it was just what he needed. I compromised by calling my mother when I got out of work and sharing my day with her instead.
There are a lot of other examples. When he gets angry, he withdraws instead of fighting. It was really hard for me to understand that because in my family we always kept exploding until we were all in tears and everything was happy again. He needs to ruminate for a while when he's hurt and I don't have patience with it. Over the past several years I've learned how to be more patient and he's learned how to take less time pondering to keep me from going crazy.
I'm an outgoing person who likes to traipse all over the city and he just likes to stay home or see a movie locally. We've also had to make some compromises about activities like those as well.
So - yes, it can work - quite well in fact! Opposites attract for a reason, and it's because we can balance each other. Dating another introvert might leave you feeling lonely and dating another extrovert might leave your honey fighting to be the center of attention. Instead, opposites have a wonderful balance and work well together.
Just remember, compromising often takes some ugly arguments and misunderstandings before it works well, but it's totally worth it.
November 12, 2008 1:38 am
Amy
My boyfriend and I have been together four years this September.
We are completely different, He stays to himself kind of leary on who he takes on as friends. Where, I am on the other hand way to nice and Enjoy company from all kinds of people. It was really hard at first and at times, It felt like we were just kind of hanging on to something that we both was clueless due to Us just being different. After these years of being with him, all the fighting and butting heads paid off. He completes me in parts of my life that really needed some repair from scars that i got in the past on my heart. I had to kind of get him to open up a little. Differences in two separate people can be a distinct turn on that actually becomes the glue of the relationship. If you really think about it would you want your mate to be like you. I sure don't, I wouldn't be able to talk as much as I need to, He just sits there and listens. Most of the time, the ball game is on and i've adapted to kind of talking over the game till he turns his focus on me, since he realized I won't leave him alone till I get my little conversation... I believe that if there is big problems because of a difference or differences between you and your mate, Both need to decide that they will offer their energy on making a happy medium. Still to this day, our differences sometimes seem to be winning when we are arguing and doesn't let lose cause were both stubborn... My boyfriend likes to cool off when we are fighting, I like most women want to talk it out right then and there and if I don't get what i want, ill keep bothering him. anyhow, if your wondering if It can work, dont' go on basing your answer off anything your going to read on the Net... Neither will any close friends advice being any more helpful, Its only you and your mate that can answer that question. Never forget what the long term goal is and regardless of how bad his differences are to you, remember why you love him and what you would miss out on if you didn't have him...
December 7, 2008 5:07 am
Amy
julie, I just read your statement above mine, i just want to applaud you, You stated in perfect........... You are so right.. about the balancing thing... thank you for your info
December 7, 2008 5:11 am
Amy
julie, I just read your statement above mine, i just want to applaud you, You stated in perfect........... You are so right.. about the balancing thing... thank you for your info
December 7, 2008 5:11 am
Kevin P
Well what if like you kinda like somebody who was in drama and debate and did plays and musicals who's high on life while you're kinda pessimistic and barely like to listen to yourself speak, but somehow they ignite some kind of a passion in your soul that makes you want to look beyond those differences and maybe even pursue them. And what if everyone around her is the same way. Will they think I'm shit?
I have just recently started dating my introvert boyfriend. At first I had no idea this even exisited. A good friend mention the term to me and I googled and I am overwhelmed. I am so thankful for all the helpful information and advice. I really think now...he and I can take another step in our realtionship!
Well, my wife and I are the same way. She's introverted, and a homebody. I'm not (even though I don't like people, go figure). So it's been a point of contention, but we've always managed to work through it. We've agreed that there are certain times and places that I go where I get to socialize, and she stays home and does her thing.
While this isn't a problem I have, as my wife and I are both on the MBTI introverted side of things and appreciate alone time, and can also be alone together (in the good way, not the bad), I'd like to think that this is something that can be overcome.
I think its a matter of awareness and expectations. I don't know your relationship, but you are quite aware of your and TB's tendencies. I don't know how much TB is aware of his or your tendencies and needs on this scale, but could this just be a challenge of education.
Even if TB does understand, the E/I divide can sometimes be a bit of a barrier, as it's something that can really affect your other behaviours. If you're both out of your elements and a little drained, then it can make it much harder to really communicate the current status.
To bring this to a point, maybe it's a matter of really laying the groundwork in this type of relationship. As you said, you needed a day of "Bre time". For everyone in this situation, I think it's key to set out the expectation of what that entails in a conversation while you're both at a good level of energy, and then invoke the situation when needed. That can prevent the issue of one partner needing to react when at a lower energy level.
I usually wait till I blow up and say to hubby, "You're overwhelming me!!". He's used to it, so he doesn't get offended any more. That doesn't help much, does it?
Well, I'm an extrovert and my boyfriend is an introvert. We have come to the understanding that he can go into the "cave" sometimes where I don't bug him. Also, I guess this isn't you, but I discovered that he is perfectly happy hanging out with large groups if I don't pressure him to be at the helm of the group (where I always want to be myself). Basically, when I started accepting him for not being talkative in groups, I discovered he was fine being in them. Maybe this is something you might be feeling and could talk to TB about. Or maybe not!
But basically, I do think we crazy extroverts need a nice introvert to come home to. It can work!
actually, have him read the article "the care and feeding of your introvert". I am an extrovert and he is an introvert and it helped a LOT.
I'm an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. It's been all about compromise for us - and it took us a while to figure it out! For instance, when we first met, I would call him everyday the minute I got out of work and try to pour out my whole day/inquire about his before I even left the parking lot. He, on the other hand, needs some time to decompress after work and would rather not talk on the phone right away. At first I was hurt that he didn't want to share with me, but then as I began to know him better, I realized it was just what he needed. I compromised by calling my mother when I got out of work and sharing my day with her instead.
There are a lot of other examples. When he gets angry, he withdraws instead of fighting. It was really hard for me to understand that because in my family we always kept exploding until we were all in tears and everything was happy again. He needs to ruminate for a while when he's hurt and I don't have patience with it. Over the past several years I've learned how to be more patient and he's learned how to take less time pondering to keep me from going crazy.
I'm an outgoing person who likes to traipse all over the city and he just likes to stay home or see a movie locally. We've also had to make some compromises about activities like those as well.
So - yes, it can work - quite well in fact! Opposites attract for a reason, and it's because we can balance each other. Dating another introvert might leave you feeling lonely and dating another extrovert might leave your honey fighting to be the center of attention. Instead, opposites have a wonderful balance and work well together.
Just remember, compromising often takes some ugly arguments and misunderstandings before it works well, but it's totally worth it.
My boyfriend and I have been together four years this September.
We are completely different, He stays to himself kind of leary on who he takes on as friends. Where, I am on the other hand way to nice and Enjoy company from all kinds of people. It was really hard at first and at times, It felt like we were just kind of hanging on to something that we both was clueless due to Us just being different. After these years of being with him, all the fighting and butting heads paid off. He completes me in parts of my life that really needed some repair from scars that i got in the past on my heart. I had to kind of get him to open up a little. Differences in two separate people can be a distinct turn on that actually becomes the glue of the relationship. If you really think about it would you want your mate to be like you. I sure don't, I wouldn't be able to talk as much as I need to, He just sits there and listens. Most of the time, the ball game is on and i've adapted to kind of talking over the game till he turns his focus on me, since he realized I won't leave him alone till I get my little conversation... I believe that if there is big problems because of a difference or differences between you and your mate, Both need to decide that they will offer their energy on making a happy medium. Still to this day, our differences sometimes seem to be winning when we are arguing and doesn't let lose cause were both stubborn... My boyfriend likes to cool off when we are fighting, I like most women want to talk it out right then and there and if I don't get what i want, ill keep bothering him. anyhow, if your wondering if It can work, dont' go on basing your answer off anything your going to read on the Net... Neither will any close friends advice being any more helpful, Its only you and your mate that can answer that question. Never forget what the long term goal is and regardless of how bad his differences are to you, remember why you love him and what you would miss out on if you didn't have him...
julie, I just read your statement above mine, i just want to applaud you, You stated in perfect........... You are so right.. about the balancing thing... thank you for your info
julie, I just read your statement above mine, i just want to applaud you, You stated in perfect........... You are so right.. about the balancing thing... thank you for your info
Well what if like you kinda like somebody who was in drama and debate and did plays and musicals who's high on life while you're kinda pessimistic and barely like to listen to yourself speak, but somehow they ignite some kind of a passion in your soul that makes you want to look beyond those differences and maybe even pursue them. And what if everyone around her is the same way. Will they think I'm shit?
write back to 88mphsss@comcast.net if you have an answer or anything!
I have just recently started dating my introvert boyfriend. At first I had no idea this even exisited. A good friend mention the term to me and I googled and I am overwhelmed. I am so thankful for all the helpful information and advice. I really think now...he and I can take another step in our realtionship!
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?