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The other day in seminar somebody posed the following question: Do women still worry about having to choose between having a career and having a family? Every female hand in the classroom shot up. After listened to my classmates’ responses, I was pretty disappointed, if not entirely surprised. Almost every girl reported that it did feel like a conflict (though not an insurmountable one) that she would someday have to face. I heard a startling variety of rationalizations for making
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Comments
10.27.08
I've always counted myself as a strong feminist, but I remember all too well sitting in college and thinking about this issue and what I was going to do with my life, with the dreaded thought that really, I only had 7-8 years to enjoy my career before it was time for kids. It was a thought that made me frustrated, and unhappy, as my boyfriend (now husband) did not face the same scenario. This thought continued to dominate until about 2 years into my career, when it dawned on me that I never actually wanted to have kids.
It was the social pressure, and my partner, who just thought that it would just naturally happen. Around age 24, it really clicked in, that not only do I NOT have to have kids, but that I could be perfectly happy, perhaps happier, without them. As a feminist I'm disappointed in myself that it took that long for my own personal reproductive choice to settle in, but I'm not sorry for the journey. I've thought critically about what I want for myself, what *I* need to be happy and successful, and that picture looks very much like what I have today - good job, wonderful husband and a dog. And here in my 30s, it feels pretty darned good.
10.27.08
It's sad, but this is definitely still an issue for so many women, and what's unfortunate is that most don't even realize that it is an issue. I was having a conversation with some friends the other day and when someone asked where we'll be in 10 years, half the girls simply said "married. with kids."
And just look at Sarah Palin, for instance. I don't necessarily agree with her politics, but it's really unfair to her how much attention has been put on whether she can be a mom to her kids and still be VP at the same time-- why on earth wouldn't she be able to do both?
10.27.08
Interesting post Chloe,
I think we are in the midst of turning the corner with this subject. To your point, women are tired of worrying about it. I stopped worrying when I internalized a few things:
1. Being a parent is a 'job' - it just doesn't pay in cash.
2. A career is something I must define on my own terms. How many hours a week I work it, how I get compensated for it, etc. is up to me. Thus, being a mom is a career option.
3. Being a parent is a choice. Whether I make it my full-time job, or whether I outsource pieces of it so I can also work a paying job, it's up to me. In short, people can have more than one career going at the same time.
When I looked at the situation from those points, something clicked for me. I stopped caring about what others thought and focused on what I defined as success in this area.
I hope more women find their peace with this internal dialog as well - it makes a huge difference. I love being a mom AND I love my work. I chose my direction and I'm happy with the outcome.
10.27.08
Interesting post indeed... As someone who remained thououghly undecided about having children until my early 30's, then met and married my husband at 34, and recently game birth to a beautiful daughter shortly after my 36th birthday this is a subject near and dear to my heart. I work in a male-dominated field (I'm an Engineer) and I've had all the expected challenges with trying to strike a balance. I was prepared for all of that, and I'm sure these college women are as well.
What I wasn't prepared for was how strong the draw of being a mother was, and how it changes EVERYTHING. I really don't know if there is a way to prepare, and my only advice to my younger sisters (my actual sisters as well as those of you out there reading this) is to be open to the possibility that carrying and giving birth to another human being may just change your perspective.
Something else I've realized in the 8 months since my daughter was born is that mommies and daddies are not equal. They are equally important, and can do equal amounts of work, and obviously they love the baby equally. But they are not the same.
As for how this fits into the balancing act? Well, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out!
10.27.08
I am glad to see the topic has come up that some people won't have to deal with this "choosing between children and career" issue, simply because they don't want children.
When I was in my early 20's, a lot of people looked at you like a freak if you didn't want kids. I think it was an alien concept for a lot of people to QUESTION having kids. Having kids was the "next thing" you did after getting married, and of COURSE you were going to get married. But a lot has changed, and I imagine there are a lot of 20-somethings now who have always viewed having children as an option, who grew up hearing 'IF you have kids' and not 'WHEN you have kids'. Has that been true for you?
04.05.09
While it is true that women still seem to be choosing between a career and motherhood, don't lose sight of the fact that men essentially still don't have a choice. They are raised with the expectation that they have to find a job when they grow up and don't have the option of career versus staying home with kids. Until men can have the choice without being considered deadbeats for not wanting to work, women will never be able to completely escape the default role of caring for the family.
True life balance is different for everyone and you should do what works best for you. Don't worry about whether others feel you should be doing something else. If you are happy and balanced, your family will be better off. Outsource what you want and handle what you want. And if the woman ends up being the primary breadwinner, the man finally has the choice of working or not.
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