12 RESPONSES TO "MY IDEAL WOMAN--AM I STILL BEING TOO PICKY?"
Kat
One of the most important things on my own list you have not included: morals, values and beliefs.
This doesn't mean you have to think exactly the same. It just means that you can understand and accept what is important to someone else, whether they are very family oriented, strict vegetarians, anti war, pro capital punishment, hate sports/shopping/soap operas or whatever. I mean I think it's great to have different interests, but I don't think I could be with someone who was the complete opposite and unaccepting of my views.
This is important with friends and work colleagues, but more so with relationships/life-partners.
Kat - Thanks for the comment! You're absolutely right. I actually covered the morals, values, beliefs in the "believing in something" link, but I should have been more specific.
I agree similar values are important for friends/life-partners. Do you feel it's that important to have the same values as your colleagues?
If you can honestly say that you meet your own requirements, then you're not being too picky. You're looking for your peer. And that's how it should be. Just make sure that there's something you can learn from her, and there's room for her to learn something from you.
Ian, I like that you put EQ over IQ, guys usually overlook this. I think your list is a little tough, though, I would recommend drilling it down to 3-4 core points, with the rest being pretty flexible. My list is down to 3 essential points, which I've blogged about here: http://honeyandlance.com/lances-marriage-makers
@Holly - I agree that your partner should be someone you can learn from. Someone posted a similar comment on my blog and here was my response:
You bring up an excellent point: Can I offer what I'm asking?
In terms of the characteristics themselves, yes, I can say with 100% confidence that I possess those traits. Have I mastered them? Certainly not, but that's the objective. There are times when I wish I could have been less stern or more courageous, but that's the whole learning process! :)
I would hope to find someone with these traits (or who values these traits) and is working towards them. Or someone who's stronger than me in certain areas so we can complement each other...
I hope things are going well with you and Date#4! ;)
@Lance - Nice points! I saw you mentioned your list wasn't in order of priority, so that's good, because I was reminded of the quote: "Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.". I'd definitely prioritize inner beauty (and a nice face!) because you're typically not having sex all the time, but I do need to be attracted to the person of course!
I agree the list might be a little tough, but all the "detail" items aren't deal breakers. I would say I'd like to have the overall 5 points though!
September 19, 2008 10:49 am
KateNonymous
My main suggestion is to lose the word "ideal." By its very nature, it indicates something that is unattainable--no one is the ideal. If you meet a woman who has every one of these characteristics, she will still have feet of clay in some way. We all do, men and women--we're human!
Also, I'd suggest (to everyone, not specifically to you) to be flexible in the way you identify whatever characteristics are important. Someone may exhibit them in a way you hadn't anticipated, and still be exactly the person you're looking for. Someone else may exhibit them just as you imagine them, and not have that "spark" that makes you want to be with him or her. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that person. It just means you're not the right people for each other.
September 19, 2008 11:02 am
Kat
Hey Ian, yeah to me it's quite important to have the same values as my work colleagues. I mean I work 08:30-17:30 and so spend most of my day with the same people (more than with my family and friends). When times at work get tough it's my co-workers that get me through the day - making me laugh, motivating me, making me cups of tea... It's quite fun to have debates with people with differing views but the people I get on with most (and would miss if I left) are those with similar values. I'm a big fan of the office politics topic ;)
@KateNonymous - "be flexible in the way you identify whatever characteristics are important."
Thanks for your comment! You're absolutely right and believe me, I've made the mistake of falling for someone who intentionally displayed all the characteristics I was looking for, but it really wasn't who they were at heart (that's a risk of publishing your "requirements"! ha ha). I learned my lesson, though. Thanks for bringing this up!
@Kat - Interesting, I guess I see making friends with colleagues more as a pleasant bonus than a requirement. I can still get the job done if I don't get along with some people although I manage to get along with most! I'm a very big fan of the office politics topic as well, so you might like OfficeTricks.com
September 19, 2008 1:02 pm
Liz
I don't know if you're being "picky," but you seem to be caught up in "Who She Is," rather than, "How I Am WIth Her." My boyfriend is my boyfriend because of the way we interact. There are traits that make him more likely to work with me - honesty, sarcastic sense of humor, love of books, and so on. But there are plenty of people who have his same wonderful taste, same work ethic and class, and for whatever reason I am unable to stand being around them for long. Whereas he's the first person that I like BETTER after a 10 hour car ride together.
That's not just because he is a collection of good things. It's because we have worked out a system of being together based on trust and respect and a sense of fun. You can't plan for that. You have to be able to recognize it (and I almost didn't, when we first got together).
So a list is sort of a good starting point. But it's also basically pointless. Anything past, "I want a good person..." isn't going to tell you who that person will be WITH YOU. And that's what really matters.
September 19, 2008 1:12 pm
Liz
Oh, and a list of must-have traits sort of dehumanizes a person by assuming they are whatever traits they are displaying at the moment. We're all a lot more Walt Whitman-multitudes-full than that.
Besides being too black-and-white, a list is very likely to allow you to be deceived. I know plenty of people who can fake everything on that list for as long as you want. (Yeah, I'm a lawyer). But no one can truly fake enjoying your company for any length of time. Maybe first try to find the person who enjoys you, and who you enjoy, and THEN break out the list to see if this person can be counted on. Because I think if you start with the list, and then try to find a person on the list who you enjoy, you're going to end up steered down a number of dead ends by shady or slightly insane potential partners.
Are these minimium requirements or wishlist? It might be a good idea to figure out what are a must vs wants.
I also perfer EQ over IQ & having empathy toward the other sides beside our/their own.
So what's you definition of risk?
Everyone has a different risk level with different things (Financial risk, physical risk, health risk...)
Plus taking risk & courage are not the same thing (Someone who is rising a child on their own or who holds accountability for themselves and others are pretty courageous & not necessary risk taking)
@Liz - Thanks a lot for your comments. You've brought up several excellent points!!
"...he's the first person that I like BETTER after a 10 hour car ride together."
That's v. sweet! The list is definitely a starting point, but there are so many other factors beyond it for sure!
"...you're going to end up steered down a number of dead ends by shady or slightly insane potential partners."
You've met my ex? Ha ha ha just kidding...sort of. Don't worry, I'm very careful of coming across someone who simply fits the list now!
@Ian - It's more of a wish list and as mentioned, the key elements are the higher level items (those are the must-haves). The details aren't critical, but rather examples. As a previous commenter mentioned, a person may display these qualities in completely different ways.
Same with risk - it can be a variety of things (I agree that risk-taking and courage aren't the same). I listed skydiving, but of course I'm not going to expect that every girl I go out with would be willing to go skydiving! ;)
12 RESPONSES TO "MY IDEAL WOMAN--AM I STILL BEING TOO PICKY?"
One of the most important things on my own list you have not included: morals, values and beliefs.
This doesn't mean you have to think exactly the same. It just means that you can understand and accept what is important to someone else, whether they are very family oriented, strict vegetarians, anti war, pro capital punishment, hate sports/shopping/soap operas or whatever. I mean I think it's great to have different interests, but I don't think I could be with someone who was the complete opposite and unaccepting of my views.
This is important with friends and work colleagues, but more so with relationships/life-partners.
Kat - Thanks for the comment! You're absolutely right. I actually covered the morals, values, beliefs in the "believing in something" link, but I should have been more specific.
I agree similar values are important for friends/life-partners. Do you feel it's that important to have the same values as your colleagues?
If you can honestly say that you meet your own requirements, then you're not being too picky. You're looking for your peer. And that's how it should be. Just make sure that there's something you can learn from her, and there's room for her to learn something from you.
Ian, I like that you put EQ over IQ, guys usually overlook this. I think your list is a little tough, though, I would recommend drilling it down to 3-4 core points, with the rest being pretty flexible. My list is down to 3 essential points, which I've blogged about here:
http://honeyandlance.com/lances-marriage-makers
@Holly - I agree that your partner should be someone you can learn from. Someone posted a similar comment on my blog and here was my response:
You bring up an excellent point: Can I offer what I'm asking?
In terms of the characteristics themselves, yes, I can say with 100% confidence that I possess those traits. Have I mastered them? Certainly not, but that's the objective. There are times when I wish I could have been less stern or more courageous, but that's the whole learning process! :)
I would hope to find someone with these traits (or who values these traits) and is working towards them. Or someone who's stronger than me in certain areas so we can complement each other...
I hope things are going well with you and Date#4! ;)
@Lance - Nice points! I saw you mentioned your list wasn't in order of priority, so that's good, because I was reminded of the quote: "Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.". I'd definitely prioritize inner beauty (and a nice face!) because you're typically not having sex all the time, but I do need to be attracted to the person of course!
I agree the list might be a little tough, but all the "detail" items aren't deal breakers. I would say I'd like to have the overall 5 points though!
My main suggestion is to lose the word "ideal." By its very nature, it indicates something that is unattainable--no one is the ideal. If you meet a woman who has every one of these characteristics, she will still have feet of clay in some way. We all do, men and women--we're human!
Also, I'd suggest (to everyone, not specifically to you) to be flexible in the way you identify whatever characteristics are important. Someone may exhibit them in a way you hadn't anticipated, and still be exactly the person you're looking for. Someone else may exhibit them just as you imagine them, and not have that "spark" that makes you want to be with him or her. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that person. It just means you're not the right people for each other.
Hey Ian, yeah to me it's quite important to have the same values as my work colleagues. I mean I work 08:30-17:30 and so spend most of my day with the same people (more than with my family and friends). When times at work get tough it's my co-workers that get me through the day - making me laugh, motivating me, making me cups of tea... It's quite fun to have debates with people with differing views but the people I get on with most (and would miss if I left) are those with similar values. I'm a big fan of the office politics topic ;)
@KateNonymous - "be flexible in the way you identify whatever characteristics are important."
Thanks for your comment! You're absolutely right and believe me, I've made the mistake of falling for someone who intentionally displayed all the characteristics I was looking for, but it really wasn't who they were at heart (that's a risk of publishing your "requirements"! ha ha). I learned my lesson, though. Thanks for bringing this up!
@Kat - Interesting, I guess I see making friends with colleagues more as a pleasant bonus than a requirement. I can still get the job done if I don't get along with some people although I manage to get along with most! I'm a very big fan of the office politics topic as well, so you might like OfficeTricks.com
I don't know if you're being "picky," but you seem to be caught up in "Who She Is," rather than, "How I Am WIth Her." My boyfriend is my boyfriend because of the way we interact. There are traits that make him more likely to work with me - honesty, sarcastic sense of humor, love of books, and so on. But there are plenty of people who have his same wonderful taste, same work ethic and class, and for whatever reason I am unable to stand being around them for long. Whereas he's the first person that I like BETTER after a 10 hour car ride together.
That's not just because he is a collection of good things. It's because we have worked out a system of being together based on trust and respect and a sense of fun. You can't plan for that. You have to be able to recognize it (and I almost didn't, when we first got together).
So a list is sort of a good starting point. But it's also basically pointless. Anything past, "I want a good person..." isn't going to tell you who that person will be WITH YOU. And that's what really matters.
Oh, and a list of must-have traits sort of dehumanizes a person by assuming they are whatever traits they are displaying at the moment. We're all a lot more Walt Whitman-multitudes-full than that.
Besides being too black-and-white, a list is very likely to allow you to be deceived. I know plenty of people who can fake everything on that list for as long as you want. (Yeah, I'm a lawyer). But no one can truly fake enjoying your company for any length of time. Maybe first try to find the person who enjoys you, and who you enjoy, and THEN break out the list to see if this person can be counted on. Because I think if you start with the list, and then try to find a person on the list who you enjoy, you're going to end up steered down a number of dead ends by shady or slightly insane potential partners.
Are these minimium requirements or wishlist? It might be a good idea to figure out what are a must vs wants.
I also perfer EQ over IQ & having empathy toward the other sides beside our/their own.
So what's you definition of risk?
Everyone has a different risk level with different things (Financial risk, physical risk, health risk...)
Plus taking risk & courage are not the same thing (Someone who is rising a child on their own or who holds accountability for themselves and others are pretty courageous & not necessary risk taking)
@Liz - Thanks a lot for your comments. You've brought up several excellent points!!
"...he's the first person that I like BETTER after a 10 hour car ride together."
That's v. sweet! The list is definitely a starting point, but there are so many other factors beyond it for sure!
"...you're going to end up steered down a number of dead ends by shady or slightly insane potential partners."
You've met my ex? Ha ha ha just kidding...sort of. Don't worry, I'm very careful of coming across someone who simply fits the list now!
@Ian - It's more of a wish list and as mentioned, the key elements are the higher level items (those are the must-haves). The details aren't critical, but rather examples. As a previous commenter mentioned, a person may display these qualities in completely different ways.
Same with risk - it can be a variety of things (I agree that risk-taking and courage aren't the same). I listed skydiving, but of course I'm not going to expect that every girl I go out with would be willing to go skydiving! ;)
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