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It’s happening. My peers are getting hitched and pregnant left and right. I am 23. I am not OK with this.
A boy I had a brief mission trip romance with in middle school just had a baby this summer with his wife. In October I will witness one of my best friends since elementary school get married. An elementary school friend got married last year and popped out a baby a few months ago. The boy who took me to his senior prom, who I was always fond of but wouldn’t date me because I wasn’t Catholic, just got married (to a Catholic girl). All these people are my age or one year older, but now there is a round of engagements happening among my younger friends. A high school friend who’s 22 is already married.
I know that back in the day people got married when they were 15, but they also only lived to 45. Now that the average lifespan is around 80, why on earth are people in their very early 20s clamoring to commit to someone for life? It only makes sense if they’re the no-sex-’til-marriage type, and I don’t think I’m friends with any of those. It can’t be the legal benefits. Is it the sparkly ring?
OK, disclaimer: My mom has been engaged four times and married thrice. My dad has been married three times. My parents divorced when I was in the fifth grade and I watched my mom go through another divorce. I’ve definitely seen my fair share of messy relationships, and I don’t have the confidence that marriage is forever.
Sure, I’d love to get married one day if it feels right, but why on earth would I do that now? Yes, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and we very well may tie the knot eventually, but there is no reason why I need to make such a life-altering, important, supposedly permanent decision when I am so young and still learning so much about myself. I’m also poor. I want to do a ton of traveling before I really settle down. I’d love to live in the United Kingdom for a few years if not forever.
If I am going to get engaged:
I see friends getting married who aren’t financially independent or haven’t been with that person very long, and it just boggles my mind. If you meet the mortality rate, you may be with this person for SIXTY years. Would it really kill you to wait a few more years, grow up a little, experience the real world a bit longer, and make sure this is really the right decision? I’ve read statistics that the younger you get married, the more likely you are to get divorced. Duh!
Last year The Boston Globe reported that the U.S. divorce rate has actually dropped thanks to people marrying smarter. Less folks are marrying young and more people are living together before getting hitched. I’m not sure how many of my peers are going this route — despite having many friends who aren’t even in a relationship, every day on Facebook there’s a new person announcing their engagement or marriage. But perhaps if this was 50 years ago, I’d be the only person in my social circle not married. I’m just grateful my boyfriend is not in a rush to get married either — his mom has also been divorced three times, and I think he’s more afraid of marriage than I am. It would be pretty awful to be with someone who wanted to get married way before you did.
I understand the point of getting married, I just don’t understand the point in doing it so young. We are still learning so much about ourselves. Life is a journey, but I think you change the most in your 20s — this is when we really figure ourselves out. That’s not to say don’t enjoy a great relationship, but what’s with all this urgency to get so serious? I feel like most of the people I know getting married or engaged are so young, and not possibly mature enough for such a drastic decision. It seems like they’re playing house rather than really getting married. I know I need at least a few more years to really figure out what I want from life before I exchange vows.
Are you equally freaked out as you watch all your peers get hitched or am I just a paranoid child of divorce?
I got married when I was 23. My husband and I are both what we call "old" souls. But beyond that, we just knew we wanted to be together forever.
Yes, you go through a lot of change in your 20s. But that's true for every decade of life. The key is to find someone who you can (and want to) change with. It's not like you hit 28, 29 or 30 and you are who you are no changes for the rest of your natural days.
Absolutely there are certain personal paradigms (finance, religion, children, careers, travel, etc.) that you should sort out with any potential spouses, but that happens differently in every relationship and differently for every person.
I don't think GenY is in a rush to get married. I do think that when you reach the year-of-a-million-friends-getting-married it's easy to say "what the heck is going on?" It's a right of passage to see your friends move on into their next phase of life. And yeah, it's a little jarring.
But overall, I really agree with Holly H. Enjoy where you are at now. Everything happens in its own perfect time whether its a wedding, children or other major life changes and accomplishments.
I think it's a certain demographic getting married right now...namely the ultra religious that want to have sex, but don't want to live in sin.
I'm 22 and I know a few people getting married right now, but they seem to fit under a few categories
1) the religious
2) the already pregnant
3) the ones in a hurry
As far as I know, not many people are in a rush to marriage. It probably just feels like it because at 22 & 23, we have to deal with the new reality that we're of an "acceptable" age for marriage. And that's scary sometimes.
At least in my opinion.
I think it's a stereotype to say that the only folks getting married young are religious.
I'm 23, married, and not very religious. I love my husband, but there were several practical considerations that helped us make the decision to get married — such as the affordability of health insurance.
I got married at 23 because we were simply ready to be married and didn't see the point of waiting until we were "old enough" (however old that is). We could have been better off financially, but we learned a lot in our first year of marriage about living frugally and growing together. We are still at that point where we're learning about ourselves, but we're doing it together. When I got married I didn't know exactly what I wanted out of life, but I did know that I wanted to share it with him.
At 23, I was convinced I had no business ever being married. Then I met my husband and I was married within nine months of our first date.
It wasn't that there was an urgency to be married, there was just no real benefit to waiting to start our lives together when we knew what we wanted. We've been married for just over a year now and we couldn't be happier.
Getting married young is not just a religious thing. I think geography plays a bigger role than anything. I am 23 and I have a number of friends from high school, my age and younger, who have all gotten married in the last 2 years. Everyone I know who is married, except for one couple, is from Texas and got their "ring by spring." The huge majority of my friends from college, who are from all over the country, are not interested in getting married young.
@Vanessa: I'm from Texas -- maybe that's the problem! :) Actually I'm from Houston, which is a huge, urban city, where it's not quite as common to get married young (though I still have a ton of peers doing it). However, I'm not actually going to the wedding of a close friend from Houston until October, and my friends from small towns have already been to tons of peer weddings in the last few years and say that most people in their hometowns are already married. It seems that people in smaller towns definitely do tend to get married younger.
If you don't want to get married yet, then you haven't found the right person yet.
Most people don't decide when they want to get married. The decision is made for them when they find the right person.
I'm with you. I guess some people just know when the time is right, but I'm not near there yet.
All I can do is hope the best for my friends who decide to get married right now. And have a good time at their weddings.
@Scott: I don't think that's necessarily true. My boyfriend and I really love each other and agree it's very likely that we'll get married and have kids one day. I'd love for that to happen at some point, but we've not let our emotions get the best of us. We're both children of multiple divorces and are very cautious -- we want to make sure we make the absolute right decision the first time. He's still in college, we're both poor, we're not sure where he'll get into grad school, etc. Some people get all swept up in the romance and think it means they have to get married immediately. We see a long-term future ahead, but feel better proceeding with caution and restraint. We think our relationship will be stronger in the long haul by not rushing things.
Oh, honey, it's not just Gen Y. My older sister is Gen X and I watched her weather the storm of I-just-graduated-from-college-we-must-be-adults-now-let's-get-married marriages around 22-to-24. When I hit that age and my live-in boyfriend of 3 years hadn't popped the question, I became uneasy. All of our friends were married and getting preggers and we were still drinking beer and eating pizza four nights a week. When I told my older, wiser sister about my uneasiness, she revealed that the majority of her friends who married at that age were now, 6 or 7 years later either complaining about how they never really got to do the young single thing or were getting divorced.
Enjoy where you are at. You'll never be here again.
I was the same way.... up until he dropped on one knee. Then everything fell in its place and felt completely and absolutely right. He proposed a bit sooner than I had planned, even though we've been dating for four years already (I'm like you, I needed time), but it no longer mattered.
It's so great you are thinking about these things. The first year of marriage definitely turned out to be harder financially than making it on your own. Also, now I have to check in with him whenever I make big decisions. Who would have thought, right? LOL.
I think you just never know until it happens. What I'm learning is that you can get more accomplished together. You'll have more money after the first difficult year, you can travel together (what could be better than a travelling buddy who is your best friend, lover, husband?), you can resolve problems faster, you can support each other. All that on a level much more different than when you date.
a new study just found that 7 or 8% of Americans marry for the health insurance benefits -- that's their primary reason for taking the plunge. Twentysomethings probably aren't as health issue conscience as other age brackets.
You'll never know why or when you'll get married. Some girls dream of it their whole lives, that wasn't me. When I met my now-husband, marriage was the last thing on my mind. We met through Craigslist to start a band together, and most of our early relationship was spent as friends in rehearsals and gigging. We both thought we were the type to be single forever. Happily, we were wrong.
What I'll say is this: don't believe the hype, marriage is fantastic. It's incredibly fun and rewarding and there is nothing else like it to challenge and change you.
When I got married, I had just turned 26 and my wife was a month away from 26. In my experience, there are certain aspects to being married that one can't ever be truly 'ready' for, or even prepare for. However, when it's right, it's right. My folks have been married for almost 40 years, and yet I always assumed I'd never get married. Things change.
@Emily I am from the Houston area (Spring). I think part of the perception of Gen Y hurrying to marriage is that we are from Texas. I think the only reason I haven't been to as many weddings is that I went to college outside of Texas.
Emily, I want to congratulate you on knowing what's important to you before you take that big step into marriage.
I was married at 23, and I too had my own criteria (namely that I wouldn't get married until I was finished my degree). For me being married young has worked out great. I'm so glad that unlike the majority of my friends, I'm not trying to meet Mr. Right now while in my mid 30s.
Don't judge your friends on wanting to marry young. That's their life and their decision. It may work out for a lifetime, it may not, but either way it has no effect on you.
When (and if) you're ready for marriage will be your decision. You will know when the time is right.
I'm with you. My parents got divorced when I was in middle school. I'm 27 and unmarried. I wouldn't do it until I'm in my early 30's. I've learned a lot about what I want in my post-college life while living on my own.
And I love all the optimism in here about how everyone who is married found "the one" or you "just knew". Guess what? I'm sure the majority of the people who are now divorced had identical feelings when they got married. There are no guarantees in life. I never saw my parents' divorce coming.
I'll admit there is one benefit to marrying young fresh out of college - lack of wealth. I'm at a point now where I would not get married without a pre-nup (will be putting ~50% down on a nice $300K home in Phoenix next year).
Emily/Jake - I have to agree with you as well. It is such a big decision and such big committment to make at a young age (really ANY age). I am constantly baffled by people who take the 'it could never happen to us' attitude and think they are immune to divorce. No one intends to get divorced when they walk down that aisle, yet over 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. The statistics are just too significant to take lightly. I too am a child of divorce. I'm sure some people would say this makes me cynical but I think it makes me more realistic. I know I am not ready to make that kind of decision or committment at this point in my life (although I hope to be there someday). I admire people who are mature enough and have had enough life experience to be able to handle marriage, but unfortunately, I think there are quite a few people (of ALL ages) out there who rush into it.
My wife and I were 22 when we got married, and I have to echo the "old souls" comment above, as well as the fact that we are from TX, but went to school in CA. I also must add that I just think some people aren't meant to be single, I was one of them.
It's easier to get married young. Being married and in our first jobs we are going through the same things together, we are able to effectively be better employees because we aren't out "chasing tail" every night, We are "dinks," we have been able to purchase a house we otherwise would not have been able to buy.
I could go on and on, but in the end, it just feels right, and I couldn't imagine being single.
I think getting married, for some people, is okay to do when you're young. If you have no real aspirations to move or be free of obligations in the formative parts of your career, then marriage could be for you.
I just don't understand why some people who have empty and miserable lives before they're married with children think that a husband and a few babies will bring them fulfillment. Things don't change just because you satisfy biological urges.
It must be a personality thing. I'm 25 and it doesn't matter how many of my peers tie the knot or have babies, you can't convince me that I'm anywhere near old enough for that.
I'm simply not ready to have anyone in my life who is more important than me. Not ready to put anything before my own desires. Now, I know that when you're married those things should be aligned, but for myself? Sorry, can't see it.
A lot of my friends are driving themselves crazy about marriage and babies. I'm like, huh? You're 25. Calm the hell down. There are some people (women especially) who want to get married because they feel like that's what they're "supposed" to do. Girls going to hell and back trying to make themselves "wife material" instead of realizing that they should just be themselves and whoever can't love you as you are should kick rocks. Now I'm not anti-young marriages. I am anti pursuing any relationship for self-validation or to fit into some societal mold. Not that all young marriages are formed that way (or any of the above mentioned marriages for that matter), but that is the case quite often.
And I'm not selling the rest of my life to anyone for some damn health benefits. Maybe that's impractical, but whatever.
Refreshing post!
I am 23 and have seen many of my girlfriend's friends get married by now. It probably didnt help that I grew up in GA and she did so in OK. We have dated for 5 years and lived together for 3, but we are not ready yet ourselves.
I dont think you know if the person is right for you until you live together and go through some crises together.
I'm 25 and went to a college in a small Iowa town. Many people I knew - including some I dated, are married. One guy I almost dated is married with twins. Whenever I talk to him, I think "oh wow! I really dodged a bullet there!"
As a young college student, I was incredibly in love with a guy. Had that relationship worked better, I might have been swept into an early marriage. But, in retrospect, I'm so happy that it crashed and burned. I'm not the marrying-young sort, and would have eventually been unhappy with a commitment I made in the first bloom of love.
I think marriage is a wonderful thing, and I've seen my parents have a great marriage for over 30 years - but I still have no desire to get married yet. A couple of my friends (guys even) are considering marriage because it's the "next step". Hearing that just boggles my mind.
There are so many things that I still want to do, that I can't imagine doing with a ring on my finger. I really love my boyfriend of 3 years, but I don't want to take it beyond that yet. I still want it to be my life, not ours.
Marriage is great, for those who are ready. But it's weird to be someone who isn't ready and has other things that are more important to them.
Perhaps it means you and I need to gather together a bunch of happily-unmarried people to be friends with - so we don't feel so blindsided with everyone from college tying the knot! ;-)
I have to say that I always find discussion about marriage interesting. I agree that there is no rush to be married, but can't understand people who criticize others for their own decisions. My decision to be married at 22 should in no way affect your decision to get married whenever you want. It was right for me and my wife, but it might not be right for you.
For those who said that when people get married, they never have the intention of gettng divorced, I 'm sure that's true. But if we never took the risk, we wouldn't reap the reward. You could wait until your 35 to get married, and still get divorced-as someone said there are no guarantees. Those who married young and had a great experience will often promote it, and those who didn't will promote what's right for them. The point is, it is a personal decision, with pros and cons you can only determine for yourself!
I've read through all the comments on this blog, very good, by the way, and I think my situation may present an even different aspect of marriage at a young age.
I'm 22, a recent college graduate. I'm engaged, after just a year of being with my fiance, and we're planning a small wedding for March 09. The reason we decided to get married so soon is based on one principle, one that we thought of a long time ago:
You're only going to love someone as long as you can love them. Sometimes that is forever, if you work hard at it, and try each and everyday. But Sometimes that love has an expiration date. Since I'm clearly not GOD, and I don't know when our expiration date is (I'm hoping never, kind of a like a twinky hehe) we dedicded to get married. The benefits are numerous (he's US ARMY, so healthcare, retirement legal rights/notifications incase he is severely injured in the line of duty etc.), and if in the end we decide that love just isn't in the cards for us anymore, we'll move on. But as far as I see it, there is nothing wrong with reaping the benefits as long as your love is there.
On a side note: We do not have religious differences, and we both plan on not having children. I understand that if a child is in the mix, things may not be so simple. But I'd surely rather divide assets 10 years from now, and love each other deeply while we can, than hold off getting married only to find out we're made for each other!
Hi Rachael,
Thanks for your comment. While I definitely see where you're coming from, that outlook scares me. I don't want to go into marriage acknowledging that divorce is even a possibility. I asked my grandmother how she made her marriage work with my grandfather over so many decades and through so many hardships, and she said it was because they both knew there was no back door, and divorce was not an option, so they were able to make things work instead of walking away. I think if you go into marriage knowing that it may have an expiration date, you are more likely to let it have one, which is why I think so many people get divorced now. When they have problems, instead of really trying to work things out, they get a divorce. I have watched my parents go through several divorces and dividing the assets is not a simple process; it's terribly messy, especially when you've bought many things together.
I definitely appreciate your insight, I just want to say that I am always concerned when people have that mindset -- I don't think you can go into marriage with the idea that it might not be permanent. I think you need to go into it thinking and knowing it is forever, without thinking divorce is an option if things get hard.
I completely agree with you Emily. I am 23 and graduated from undergrad in May. It took me a while to find a job and now I work in a big city. My boyfriend of 3 years lives 4.5 hours ago, because he's had zero luck in the job search thus far. I couldn't imagine us getting married at this age. Where my experience does differ from yours is the example that my parents and boyfriend's parents have set. My parents are not divorced, but should be since they are not happy with one another. My boyfriend's parents are happily married. There are huge lessons to be learned from these examples. At least my boyfriend's parents have proven to me that marriage can still be fulfilling as the years tick by.
I know that my boyfriend and I will marry one day, but we need to live together and actually become adults first. At this point, the only reason I would get married is to throw a fabulous party. If I got married now, geeze, would I ever have an excuse in the future to bring all of my friends and family together for a fabulous party? Probably not!
On Facebook, I have noticed that girls revel in the attention they receive when they announce their engagement. Other girls, especially single ones, envy these young brides so much. I don't though. It's all about the left hand envy. The thought of having nothing but marriage for the rest of your life to look forward to doesn't sound that exciting. Married life sounds kinda boring. The only exciting part is the engagement and wedding planning. Once it's over, you're stuck with that one person.
I will marry one day though and it will be to make a statement. I hate what traditional marriage means. Women are NOT property to be exchanged from father to husband. There should be no dowry or expectation that the bride's family will pay for the wedding. If I'm getting married, I will accept donations from my parents, but it is my business to pay for it, not theirs. I just hate how orchestrated marriage ceremonies still are considering how far we have come in the fight for gender equality! I understand that women have historically been expected to follow the example of the Virgin Mary, but seriously, what is purity anyway? It seems that men are allowed to have sex as many times as they want, but women must earn that right to wear white on their wedding day.
I didn't mean for this to become a feminist rant, but it seems that maybe this explosion in Generation Y marriages also represents the repeal of the changes and triumphs of our Second Wave Feminist mothers.
Ultimately, what marriages does is cement your new family status. I will gladly take my tax benefits while preserving the survival of my father's family name. Marriage shouldn't be about surrendering your identity and independence. Please do your part to get rid of one of the final ideological barriers to gender equality.
I am 20 and he is 25 and we just got married. We had been living together for 2 years before we tied the knot. It does not feel like anything has changed we are just us. We both lost a parent in the same week and lived 300 miles away from eachother for 6 months until things in our families calmed down. Once it was all over we knew that it was real and that we were good for eachtoher. We also have been thinking about the health insurance also. He has a new condition that has come up that needs to be checked asap but he did not have insurance. I have insurance through the hospital that I work at. Just because you are young does not mean that you are stupid for getting married. Some people just mature faster than others and also I think it has alot to do with your parents relationships. His parents and mine were together for 30 over years until death tore them apart. He lost his dad and I lost my mom. If it was not for that they would still be together and they loved eachother more than anything.
I am 20 and he is 25 and we just got married. We had been living together for 2 years before we tied the knot. It does not feel like anything has changed we are just us. We both lost a parent in the same week and lived 300 miles away from eachother for 6 months until things in our families calmed down. Once it was all over we knew that it was real and that we were good for eachtoher. We also have been thinking about the health insurance also. He has a new condition that has come up that needs to be checked asap but he did not have insurance. I have insurance through the hospital that I work at. Just because you are young does not mean that you are stupid for getting married. Some people just mature faster than others and also I think it has alot to do with your parents relationships. His parents and mine were together for 30 over years until death tore them apart. He lost his dad and I lost my mom. If it was not for that they would still be together and they loved eachother more than anything.
I am 20 and he is 25 and we just got married. We had been living together for 2 years before we tied the knot. It does not feel like anything has changed we are just us. We both lost a parent in the same week and lived 300 miles away from eachother for 6 months until things in our families calmed down. Once it was all over we knew that it was real and that we were good for eachtoher. We also have been thinking about the health insurance also. He has a new condition that has come up that needs to be checked asap but he did not have insurance. I have insurance through the hospital that I work at. Just because you are young does not mean that you are stupid for getting married. Some people just mature faster than others and also I think it has alot to do with your parents relationships. His parents and mine were together for 30 over years until death tore them apart. He lost his dad and I lost my mom. If it was not for that they would still be together and they loved eachother more than anything.
Hi Ashley,
I think you make a very valid point, you're yonger than I am, but I know many people who have gotten married even younger than you! I think death can play a huge part in knowing what you really want, esepcially when it happens to someone you are so close with. Perhaps that is the reason people like you and me get married so young, we've been exposed to the truth that life doesn't last forever, and we're all only going to live so long.
I don't mean to suggest that people who are not married young haven't had someone close to them die, but simply suggesting that in some people's eyes living for today, rather then waiting for the future, is the way life is truely experienced.
Good Post!
Kim said: I will gladly take my tax benefits while preserving the survival of my father's family name. Marriage shouldn't be about surrendering your identity and independence. Please do your part to get rid of one of the final ideological barriers to gender equality.
Great quote! I wholeheartedly agree. I kept my name and am still amazed in 2009 when others question that decision. I am the only one of my married friends who did so. Perhaps my generation was not quite ready for equality?
I'd love to see a new post discussing the benefits of changing/keeping your name after marriage.
I am a college student from Texas that has been dating a wonderful woman for the last 7 months. I wouldn't say that we are walking down the proverbial aisle tomorrow but it will happen for sure within the next two years (hopefully).
There are many advantages to waiting but most of those advantages are about self-interest and a craving for wordly "things" like the newest pair of shoes, a nicer car or the chance to party more and chase hot guys and girls. I can honestly say that I had my fair share of running around during my first couple of years in college but it is not something that I need to spend the next 8 to 10 years doing.
The aspect that many singles miss is that you will learn and change throughout your life. You may have more confidence and be more self-assured at 28 but at age 36 you will look back and find that the 28-year old version of you was quite petty and immature. In other words, we wait for some "right" time when that time does not really exist in the numerical sense.
Many young people are simply afraid of having to commit to something that is greater than themselves. We want to worship ourselves and our awesomeness for a few years after college before having to latch on to something more important. Our culture has taught us to put ourselves first in all things. Developing that habit and encouraging it makes breaking it much harder at 32 versus 23.
We also must recognize that being older and knowing what you want also means being less apt to compromise. Rather than growing with a person, you come to the table with a bunch of hang-ups and preferences that you can't change or alter and you narrow your pool of mates considerably for reasons that aren't really all that critical for a sustainable marriage.
Being 21 doesn't mean you are immature anymore than being 30 means you are mature.
Marriage does not become easier when you are older...this is a fallacy that many of us Gen Yers have been taught by our marriage-scarred Baby Boomer parents. Marriage becomes easier when two people grow together and learn each other but that has little to do with age. No amount of dating and waiting is going to prepare you for jumping the broom.
its not uncommon to see young married , sumtimes life puts so much pressure on early age that one needs a partner to share it with , if thats not your condition then you need not worry at all
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