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After nine months of trying, my best friend is finally pregnant. Thank God. I’ll miss calling her weekly and starting the conversation with “so, are you knocked up yet?” but it is a small price to pay for her happiness. She’s wanted a baby for a while now.
Brian’s older sister is pregnant too. She’s due in October and expecting a little girl. She started trying around the same time my best friend did but things worked out a little faster. I have to admit, I’m looking forward to being an aunt again.
Even our next door neighbors at the new house have a new baby boy. I think their six year old daughter was confused when her brother turned out to be a baby and not a kid her age to play with. She also wants to know when Brian and I will be having babies because “there aren’t enough kids around here”.
It seems like there are babies everywhere. I guess it is a side effect of actually being an adult now.
I’ve always wanted to have a big family. I may not have dreamt about being a bride when I was a little girl but I dreamt about being a mom. I am an only child so I used to daydream about a house filled with chaos and madness and kids everywhere. The idea of a big family still sounds very appealing. But when the 6 year old asked me about having kids, I froze.
I am not ready to be a mom.
I am not ready to give up my freedom.
I am not ready to stop being selfish.
And I don’t think I should be making babies until I’m ready to put a child first. As an educated person who understands how babies are made and can take the necessary steps to avoid premature baby making, having a child before I’m ready is just irresponsible.
The downside to this line of thought is that I keep hearing that there is no “right time” to have a kid. Because children are messy and inconvenient. They say things that make the neighbors cringe. Kids are expensive.
And once a child arrives, you can never go back to not being a parent. It is one of the most permanent changes you can make. (At least if you are a woman. In the case of my birth father, it didn’t seem to slow him down.) Children change priorities. They change your life.
And that change is appealing, but not yet. There is so much I want to do with my life before I start to worry about the dangers of vaccinating children and start to focus on providing my children with a strong start in life. I want to travel, to write a book, to actually finish renovating my house. I want to be a wife and appreciate my time with my husband. I want to see what I can accomplish in my career. I want to be able to take off on a weekend trip on a moment’s notice and not worry about tracking down a babysitter.
I told my new 6 year old friend that there would not be any babies anytime soon but my nieces and nephew would come to visit. And in typically 6 year old fashion, she quickly moved onto the next topic that interested her. It was adorable.
Here’s what I’m ready for – I am ready to be the favorite aunt. I’m ready to do the fun things with kids and not worry if the homework is done or if they are behaving correctly. I’m ready to rediscover the world through the eyes of my niece but I am not ready to rediscover the world through the eyes of my daughter.
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10 RESPONSES TO "BABIES? MAYBE LATER, AFTER A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF."
I had my first kid at 30. So I guess I waited, but it didn't feel like it because I was the first of my friends to get pregnant - and I started the ball rolling (everyone had a kid within 2 years of me).
Wait until you're 75% sure. You'll never be 100% sure and your window of opportunity is small. I now have friends who waited too long and at 37 are having a heck of time trying to get pregnant.
I do have a hard time understanding what its like to be 25 and have a kid. I just wasn't mature enough. But I know that others are.
Dorie I completely understand where you are at, 'cause I'm right there with ya sister, down to the only child bit. But as for me, I'm taking a new perspective, the long term. No, I'm not all the way ready to give up my freedom to roam, to give up only thinking about my husband and me...but down the road, I want to travel with my future children and have them participate in all the things I'd like to up and do.
I agree with the other commenters that there's not a perfect time to have kids nor can you be 100 percent sure about if you're ready. But maybe it's not just about being ready to be a parent. Maybe it's about being ready to grow in a way that nothing in our young female lives has challenged us to do. Maybe it's about being ready to accept the challenge of loving someone so much you'll change your life for them.
I'm still at a place of some uncertainty too. But being certain about what I want way down the line takes some of the pressure off right now and the question "when you gonna..."
I have a little sister who is 10.5 yrs younger than I am. I am like a mom to her because of this age different. Also, because of the way our family is set up, I am in a position where I have to do a lot of parenting. Sometimes I screw up (unfortunately). And my screw ups make me think about how young people aren't prepared to be good parents most of the time. We just need to grow up first (although not everyone gets to).
You know, I actually think there is a right time to have kids. Maybe people who say that there isn't a right time had their kids at a wrong time or simply never had kids. As for me, I'm waiting for my sister to go to college, for my husband and I to settle in one city and buy a house, and have good jobs - all of that we are working towards and are pretty close. I think sitting down and thinking out the specific goals you'd like to accomplish before having kids could make that right time happen.
There really is no right time. I mean I can list a bajillion things I would like to do and before I had my son I thought that having a kid would slow me down. Fortunately for me it motivated me to do more. I look forward to traveling the world with him and sharing my success and failures so that he can be another source of support and opinion.
What Ulyana says about maturity is very true, it should be a prerequisite to having kids and like you Dorie, I imagined my children more often than a wedding when I was a little girl.
But there are some women who just have that maternal instinct and work at their best with children around. I think that is how I am. But don't think that kids will slow you down or put a halt on your endeavors. They will if you see and treat them as an obstacle.
Kids are like winning the lottery: depending on how you see the opportunity it can either be a blessing or a burden.
@GenerationXpert - I was at a 30th birthday party over the weekend and one of the guests there (who was my age) already had two kids. I think her oldest is five. I was chatting with her for a while and I kept thinking to myself "I'm not ready for a one year old, let alone a five year old". I can't even imagine having a baby at 21 or 22 but I know women do it all the time.
My plan (at the moment) is that at 30 my husband and I start trying, regardless of whether or not we think we're ready. If we aren't 100% ready then, we never will be.
@Ulyana - My own "right time" looks like having enough of my student loans paid off so that I would *have* to work. I have this fear of looking at my kids when they are seniors in high school and telling them that they can't go to college until mom has her undergrad paid off.
Its good to hear that you are close to accomplishing your goals. And that you know what it is you're waiting for.
@Tiffany - I think I can accept that there is no "right" time. That makes sense to me. But couldn't it also be said that there are definite "wrong" or "bad" times to have a child? Shouldn't a child only be made when parents have the time, energy and resources to probably care for a young life?
And the biological clock goes "tick, tock, tick, tock."
@Robyn - At some point, I will want to travel with kids and expose them to things that I value and enjoy. But I also know that they will probably have interests that are very different from my own interests and that I'll have to be exposed to what they value and enjoy. Sometimes it seems like being able to find the balance with that will be almost impossible.
I love what you said about accepting the challenge of loving someone. I think I might be too selfish still to accept that challenge. Or maybe I'm too selfish to extend that challenge beyond my husband.
@jrandom42 - Shhhh! If you don't mention it, no one will know its really there...
Just have to keep in mind that your ovum do have a shelf life and an expiration date. :)
Dorie, I think it's the least selfish thing to prepare yourself to be a good parent... even if it is in a form of doing things that you really love right now, be it traveling your soul out, paying a lot of attention to your husband, or getting that promotion at work. It's so great you are doing that and are thinking things out.
It's funny how with every convo about kids selfishness comes up. It can be argued that having kids is the most selfless and selfish thing in the entire world. I guess it's both of those things at the same time. You make sacrifices to get what you really want.
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?