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When I began to hear the phrase “work/life balance” thrown around, I figured it didn’t apply to me. It was my older coworkers with family who mostly used it. Work/life balance meant “time with the kids and spouse.” So I dismissed it. It had nothing to do with me: single, childless Holly, who has the energy to work three or four jobs and train for marathons.
Then I got a boyfriend.
Anyone who has read this blog for the past 8 weeks or so knows that I’ve struggled to keep everything on my plate plus boyfriend on the side, but things keep slipping off like some overly eager kid’s plate at the dessert buffet. I’ve talked to friends, mentors, even a life coach, listed my priorities, and promptly removed… nothing.
There are so many things I want to pursue that I can’t imagine cutting anything. It’s asking a lot that I’m not adding anything.
So, I’ve struggled to show the boyfriend that I am committed to us, that I’m willing to put in the time, that I want to spend time together. Actually, that might not be true. I think all I’ve really done is figured out ways to carve out pieces of the week where I can relax or do some work with him. At any rate, this is a new class of balancing act for me – the work/life balance.
Huh? Work-what balance? To me, life and work are fairly seamlessly integrated. I’m not sure what I’d rather be doing on a Sunday besides sitting in my favorite café with a hot chocolate, blogging my guts out. Who wouldn’t want to be integrating a printer into a wireless network on a Tuesday evening? I can honestly say that most nights I would rather be slinging coffee than watching television on the couch.
Instead of saying “Life? What life?” I have “Work? What work?” Unfortunately, it does take up a lot of time though, and I wonder at the end of the day what kind of energy I have leftover for my relationship – for love. I would say the majority of nights I dive headlong into my bed and I’m literally lights out before the BF flips the switch.
So what does this new work/love balance thing mean? I’m not really sure. I can’t say I’ve got it figured out. Perhaps it’s a sign of my youth, but mostly fear swirls around it. If you’re in love, should you place a higher value on that rather than your work? Should one or the other be the entrée and the other the side dish? Is it a matter of finding a person who makes you want to stop spending so much time on your work, makes you think it’s the higher value automatically? Is my relationship to my work and career so perverse that I should just give up on love altogether?
In all honesty, I am sometimes struck with the fear that my work is my only one true love in life. I have no doubt that God made me and business out of the same clay, sprinkling entrepreneurship in my blood like stars in the sky. It’s always there for me, ready to make my day, impatient when I’m away and greeting me with new ideas and excitement. Where does love fit into my already-existent love affair with work?
I glance at the title of my website, WorkLoveLife. People have asked me if that’s how I prioritize the three, if it means anything special. Honestly, it was the only combination of those three words available for a domain name. But, maybe that is its significance in my life – at the end of the day, I make work, love and life fit together the only way available to me.
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18 RESPONSES TO "DON'T TELL MY BOYFRIEND. MY WORK MIGHT BE MY ONE TRUE LOVE."
@ Holly--I see what you're saying. I get that feeling too. But if you don't shut down and relax at some points all those fabulous ideas will mean nothing because you'll be too exhausted to put them into action. I started making a list of my ideas so that when its time for me to get back to work, I haven't lost anything. It kind of calms me down so that I can relax without feeling like I've forgotten everything
@Alora: Thank you for the additional advice. This post (and the subsequent comments!) have made me realize how many assumptions I've been making in my relationship. I assumed that I wasn't making enough time. I assumed that it's wrong to value your work so much. And I assumed that it didn't need discussion and that I just needed to fix it. That is dangerous territory. What I ought to be making that time for is communicating and figuring out how we can best spend that time together.
@Lance: Praise indeed! Yes, ultimately I would hope my early hard work will pay off later in the form of flexible work hours, lots of travel time available, etc. with my own business, that ideally would reach people on a level that helps them. Solidarity. Amen.
I believe that for the most part, we do what we want to do. You work all the time because you want to and you haven't struggled for that work/life balance because you don't really think its all that important. And honestly, until you figure out why (or if) you want to spend your Sundays with the boyfriend, or even reading a good book by yourself, you probably won't. It doesn't make you a bad person. But if I could tell you anything, it'd be this:
I love my work. Love it. L-O-V-E I-T. I manage volunteers and community relations for new non-profit. And since its a start-up, I also do a million other things (like manage the website, track donors, etc.). Needless to say, its easy for my work to become my life. I am more than happy to shut down the laptop or (gasp!) turn off the blackberry to cuddle with the boyfriend on the couch or drag him out to Homegoods to choose new curtains for the bedroom. Why is that? Because no matter how much I love my work, I know that at some point when I burn out, I will regret not having given myself more time.
good luck on your search for balance dear! And do what makes you really happy (even if it working on a Sunday) as long as you realize that other things (besides work) can make you happy too :-)
I think we all have to find a balance that works for each of us as individuals. It's not always easy, as you seem to be discovering. I think one thing that helps a lot is finding someone who has a similar balance scheme as you do. If you date someone who also enjoys being very active and working a lot, they won't be as demanding for your time as someone who say, doesn't do very much and wants to spend every hour of the day with you.
@Alexis: I suppose the struggle really comes for me when I want to shut down the laptop to spend time with him, but the back of my mind is whirring with the thoughts of sacrifice. When I take two hours of leisure time, even if it's desired (which it is!), I know that I'm putting off redesigning the site, researching paperwork for incorporation, or not calling a prospective client. I think I didn't clarify enough that I do enjoy my time away from work, but it's always tugging on me.
@Sean: That's great advice. It can be tough to find that, though. The last guy I dated was so busy, we only saw each other once or twice a week, and only for a few hours... sometimes we were even working when we saw each other. That wasn't enough for me. With my current BF, while I definitely pile on the work load, he seems to work with my schedule. If I need to do work one night, he seems pretty happy to bring his work over.
Perhaps what I actually struggle with is my own discipline - I want to work far more than I actually do.
Until I was 30, I never had a serious relationship that could ever even momentarily compare or compete with my career. When I suddenly found myself in one, I had no idea what the hell to do. I still don't a lot of the time -- and now we're married. My career is easier, less complicated and more readily controllable than my relationship can ever be. And on days when my stress level is particularly acute, my inclination is to duck the relationship responsibilities in favor of the career ones, because they are much easier for me to navigate confidently. I'm not sure that the notion of "when the right person comes along, it'll change everything" actually works if you truly love your career; I think that only happens if you've been using your career as filler until you suddenly have the 'right' relationship. For those of us who have typically regarded our career as our 'first love,' making room for a significant other is a constant struggle -- and a potentially eternal ego-bruise for the new partner. Good luck. Hubby and I put a lot of work into this one on a weekly basis even after 3 years. It hasn't actually gotten any easier.
My wife and I's relationship began during her first semester of law school, so she was much busier than I was from Day 1. So there were many times that I did things solo, and she stayed home to study. We both understood the reasons, and there were no issues because of it.
Now, she still works more hours than I do, but the 'extra' time is spent taking care of the baby, so it's a wash.
I'm actually stressed out just reading your post. I keep trying to write this without sounding preachy or like a counselor, but its not happening. Are you afraid of slowing down? Work sounds more like a preoccupation than an occupation in your life. Its one thing if we're working hard towards something - saving that money for a goal, a job we really want, to start our own business... but working just to work? I'm trying to sound not too dime-store, I promise.
What does your boyfriend have to say about this? Does he feel like you guys are not spending enough time together?
If you don't really love him, you might need to part so that you are not "cheating" him. But if that's the most you can love another person and work is just such an integral part of your life and personality, then maybe you need a guy who loves you the way that you are and who will make you feel that you've stuck that balance (even though you work non-stop and to others it might seem like you work too much).
I'm the same way as you in terms of being entirely entrepreneurial and just loving work, which is what makes me curious about what your boyfriend thinks. He may not feel put off. It may be something he finds attractive. I know that for myself, one thing I look for in a relationship now is a woman who is motivated and active, as you are describing. I would rather be with someone who I enjoy and only get a few moments with than with someone I enjoy less but can spend time with whenever I want (as good or bad as that may sound). But at the same time, everyone is different. And I still think it is a good question- what is a good work/life balance? Perhaps a different one to ask is is now the time to have it? Along with that comes the question of- what is it that you want most? I asked myself that recently, and surprised myself with the answer.
@Alora: Thank you so much for your comment! It's relieving to hear that it doesn't have much to do with the relationship, but with the self, and that you've been there (and are still there). I do *truly* love my work; it's not just filler. I suppose just like anything in a relationship, I'll be willing to put the work in if I want it. Even if it doesn't get any better. ;)
@Norcross: I always love hearing you talk about your wife. Communication sounds like the key to that relationship, where one does what one needs to do while the other does what they have to do.
@Smith+Fritzy: Wow, I managed to stress out one of my readers?? That's amazing - I've successfully communicated my feelings then. I'm pretty sure I'm not just working to work - when I'm out of my office job, I'm out. But that's when I have the opportunity to do what I really love, with my blog, with the cafe, with web design, with my business. Perhaps most of my time conflicts will work themselves out once I have a business of my own to support me. While I do have a lot of nervous energy, I don't feel afraid to stop.
@Ulyana: Uh... I dunno, actually. Wow. I'm a moron. A relationship moron. (Have I mentioned in my blog that I'm totally new to adult relationships?) I have never actually asked him if he thinks we spend enough time together. I just worry about it. A lot. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing (wouldn't really shock me, honestly). I'll ask him tonight. Oh, and I do love him. I hope he doesn't feel cheated on. I'll ask him that too. This is why I blog.
@Nathan Snell: Man, those are tough questions. You raise a great point that dovetails with what Ulyana brought up - what does he think? (Hello, Holly. Are we communicating?) I have to imagine that he must find it attractive, otherwise he would've been long gone by now. ;) I feel Long Talk 2008 coming on.
Holly, when you die, neither your job nor your blog will mourn you. The people in your life will.
@Harry Hoover: Well, that's morose. I don't really consider my blog and my jobs as things. They are the way I connect to people and hope to leave my mark on the world. They are the conduit through which people arrive in my life in a grander scale than I could in my 20-mile radius physical life.
Perhaps it's egotistical to think that my readers who say my openness & honesty has helped them and my clients who I've helped overcome fear of technology so they could achieve greater things in their careers & life will remember me. Even if they don't, as long as I've been able to contribute to the stream of life, I'll be satisfied.
Besides, I won't be around for the mourning. So I think my aim is to live the best way I know, which is what I try to figure out on a day-to-day basis. I don't really know. That's just how I do it.
Everyone's communication points are good, too, and another thing that hubby and I have had to work to sort out: for a brief period, I was working 16-18 hour days and he got suspicious that I had met someone else. Because I was so thoroughly exhausted from my crazy work schedule and so wrapped up in the success of the project, it never occurred to me that thought could ever enter his head (after all, I was so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open on the drive home -- where the hell would I find the energy to cheat on him?!?). Until he finally got so upset that he came out and ASKED me, I had no idea that's where his mind was. I was thoroughly flabbergasted.
In our case it's also hard because my husband has a JOB and not a CAREER. And, even in his largest career aspirations, he does not have a single bone in his body that predisposes him towards being a workaholic. It's taken a LOT of communication effort for him to understand that I just love what I do and that I can't be happy with me if I don't feel I'm doing it well, and that sometimes that just demands a lot of time; and it's taken me a lot of effort to really get that sometimes what he does really need is my undivided time and attention, and that's not an unreasonable request from a partner.
But the key is to SPEAK UP; you shouldn't assume that he is or isn't ok with it; and he can't assume that you know how he feels about it if you don't discuss it. Don't assume. When it doubt, ask.
I think people tend to believe that they are safer making assumptions in their relationship than they are in other areas of their lives, because they feel that they should know their partners well enough to be able to predict what they would feel or say. In reality, I think your relationship is probably the WORST place to make assumptions, because the damage potential is usually the highest and often the most easily avoidable.
Holly, great post. This one speaks to me. I work probably as much as you, that is, a ton, and I'm doing it BECAUSE I want to spend more time with friends/family/loved ones and experiencing the finer things in life. I do want to build my own business and have great business things going on, but at the end of the day I want to travel, write, and connect with people.
On a slightly different note, I think the inclination to work and BUILD is something that is deeply embedded at our human core and should be celebrated, not mocked. Work is good for the soul.
Except when you're doing shitty work or working for the man, then work sucks.
Holly -
I feel like I can relate. Since quitting my "real" job and opting to work from home, i.e., finishing grad school, teaching voice lessons, blogging in hopes of turning it into something more, I've turned my life into a huge what-I-love-fest.
But you only have to glance down the Brazen page today, or visit my blog to see that over-committment to anything (blogs or boyfriends) are fodder for craziness. Balance is of course, subjective, but you've got to learn to teeter for every totter, you know?
Otherwise you will regret things. I don't mean to be morose either, but something about what Mr. Hoover said above rang true. I try not to let myself get too deep into my work for fear that I will miss the simple things.
Then again, my new goal in life is to teach my mom to blog - a perfect blending of worklovelife, don't you think? When I can share my passions with my family, that simultaneously fosters connection, like you talked about above.
The real issue? Your BF needs to start a blog too... : P
And you still haven't answered the basic question: When your boyfriend and work come into direct conflict for your time and attention, which do you choose?
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?