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I was reading a Wall Street Journal blog, aptly called The Juggle, which is centered around topics pertaining to modern parenthood. A recent post asked readers to share stories about their parenting role models, which got me to thinking about the working parents (and more specifically, working women) I had met in the course of my career.
Two female co-workers of mine both had their first babies right around the same time. They were roughly the same age and held roughly the same level of responsibility in their respective departments. One woman chose not to return to work after her maternity leave and became a stay-at-home mother (one of the most noble reasons to leave our company according to the male CEO, when asked about the high level of employee turnover).
The second woman returned to work after a few months with an abbreviated schedule (3 days in office, 2 days at home). Her husband worked from home and provided childcare during the day while she was at work. I once observed this co-worker storing bottles of breast milk in the fridge. I was curious as to how she managed to pump milk while at the office since we were working in very cramped quarters with barely enough space to hold a meeting let alone find a quiet place to yourself, so I asked her about it. Turns out she was shutting herself in a utility closet in the hallway and sitting on storage boxes for support. A few months later, she was promoted to a managerial position and reverted back to coming in full time to the office.
Another friend of mine chose to leave her job and work as a freelancer while caring for her infant, which coincided with a move to a rural area to be closer to her husband’s job. After her freelancing business failed to get off the ground, she eventually took part-time work at a major corporation 50 miles and a ferry ride away from home. Each Sunday she would make the 2-hour trip, spending half the week at her parents home where they watched her child during the day and drove back each Thursday night to spend the weekend with her husband while still putting in a full day of work on Fridays.
What I realized was that none of these women’s experiences were ones I would want to emulate. What I’ve seen is that unless you are willing to endure serious sacrifice in both your personal and professional life, an equal balance between career and motherhood is rarely possible.
In my opinion, there are several reasons for this, all illustrated in the above stories:
Not yet having had children of my own, I do not know what solution to this inequity I would propose. Women in my family have always relied on help from grandparents or other relatives. But what if the grandparents live far away or have no desire to raise any more children?
Perhaps the answer is better access to quality and affordable child care. But who should provide that? Employers? Government?
Maybe the answer is to restructure employment models to allow for more flexible schedules, part time work and job sharing. But is this in the best interest of employers? Is it even feasible considering the nature of certain work or current benefit models that rely on full-time employment?
I would be interested in hearing how other parents have survived “the juggle” and possible solutions for better integrating parenthood and careers.
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11 RESPONSES TO "IT SEEMS LIKE WORKING WOMEN HAVE NO GOOD ROLE MODELS FOR MOTHERHOOD"
I'm facing those same questions right now and I think it's hard to have a "role model" sometimes because people's parenting styles are so different. Some women really want to focus on their careers and some want to focus on their family. Some have relatives close by and some can afford quality day care. It just depends on each person's situation.
For me, the perfect situation would be to work 3 full-time days and 2 telecommuting days, and have my husband and/or his mom watch the baby the days I'm working. I could still progress in my career and the baby wouldn't have to go to daycare. Nursing is a little easier at my work because we have "mother's room" that are private rooms with a comfy chair and sink/mirror to pump while at work.
It will still be hard no matter what and there will be sacrifices to make (that's what parenting is all about) but I would rather continue working and have a comfortable lifestyle than be a stay at home mom with a single income. I'm lucky to have a husband who loves children and a mother-in-law that is closeby so that I can make that decision...
I don't know how she did it, but my mom has always been my role model as a working mom.
She had to go back to work soon after I was born, quit for a while after my little sister was born, but quickly went back into the workforce to a successful career. She and my dad have both worked full time since I was in middle school, and me and my sister are well-adjusted and capable of taking care of ourselves, in addition to having a really great female role model in the process.
Not to say that my dad's not awesome as well, but my sister and I are living proof that the whole "stay at home moms are better for kids" thing is total BS.
This post is so true and I too contemplate how I will ever be able to comfortably fit an additional child in my life. I have a 3-year old now and at the moment I work full time while my fiance stays at home with our son. Childcare is expensive and we are extraordinarily picky about where he goes.
The one thing that we do look forward to is him going to school full-time. Besides the fact that its free it will help us structure a better life schedule.
But it really takes creativity and having someone there to help you 100%. For instance I knew I had to get my degree so I go to school online. Of course I wanted to go to a traditional brick and mortar but the time spent with my family or even myself would be strained. Having your own business is really the only sure fire way to know that you'll make enough to pay the bills and have the time to enjoy life. But you can't decide to have a business when the baby is born or even once pregnant.
I really have no idea how I will be able to have a successful career and have another child but I do know that I will not limit my options by planning because with kids and life, there is no room for not being an optimist or opportunist.
I agree with your post. I have noticed that many of the women whom I look up to in the workplace are lacking in the parental department, many have nannies who spend more time with their children then they do. It is really a balancing act, but there are many women out there who would make great parenting role models, but most are to modest to toot their own horn.
I think that when children get older it is easier to have this balance, but when they are young it seems like one must choose between family or career.
It's really only a matter of time before the 9 to 5, 40-hour work week with 1-hour commute goes completely extinct. I think that will play a major role in making our careers much more flexible. It seems like the parents who can handle both a career and kids the best right now are those who can work from home or at least have flexible hours. Hopefully that will be a reality for all of us in the near future.
The entire issue around balancing parenting and career is far more complex then how you have presented it. The entire social structure on which our parents, grandparents, and the historical one income household idea was established is completely abolished. With an ailing economy, woman's liberation , and increasing workforce demands of college education all take part in how the working parent balances life's demands. It is nearly impossible to adequately provide for a family off a single income in today's economy. Thus, dual incomes have become more necessary. I believe most employers try their hardest to accommodate parents, especially single parents (don't forget there ARE single dads!). Ultimately, if you desire to create the Ozzy and Harriet lifestyle, I suggest you wait until you are well established into your career before even thinking about children. Long commutes, relying on family, and decisions on breastfeeding are all issues one can make a decision whether or not to deal with. No one says you have to drive 1 hr to work, many parents who have no extended family near by (talk to a military family!), or choose not to use Enfamil.
Your entire post outlined everything associated with being a working parent that is not "ideal". You never once said what would make a positive role model. I think if you spent some time with a working parent, you would become much more appreciative of what they have to offer the workforce and their family.
Mothers of today are not the same as 20 years ago. I grew up on a farm with stay at home parents, who while they were there, were always busy. I have 2 children (5 and 7 yrs old) and a career which requires me to travel away from home 2 nights a week. When my children were smaller, we had a nanny live in so that when I was home, I could spend all the time with the kids and not have to worry about drop offs, pick ups, snowsuits in the winter and disrupting their lives so I could get out the door to go to work, nevermind having to say to them sorry, Mommy can't play because she has to do housework, laundry etc. Does that make me a bad Mom? I don't think so, when I'm not travelling I spend the rest of the time with my family. I get more quality time with my kids than I ever had with my Mom. I also get time for myself to recharge and be around grown ups. It is the best of both worlds. I am lucky enough to have a husband who works part time and keeps up on the household end of things. But at the end of the day (like tonight) when my 5 year old has a boo boo, she calls Mommy on the phone and we talk and giggle and have fun just like I was at home.
I'll agree (mostly) with Sean's comment. (I don't think the 9 to 5 will go extinct completely, but maybe.) I wish every parent would plan for flexibility in their schedule, when responsible for children. This means all the caregivers (mom AND dad, etc).
It's not easy, but it is important, to think about at least ten years (probably 15 or so) of flexibility. It could be done many different ways (one parental figure at home, while one works, both part-time parenting, extended family, nanny, etc). Someone has be to be a constant in the kids' lives to help them grow and learn.
If you want to be a good parent, you plan for these things. You make it work. If you're the parent that goes into the office, you keep in touch by phone, help with the planning (activities, schooling, finances, social lives, teaching values ...).
If you're the one doing the child care, you share the joys and concerns with your partner (so they feel connected), and know that these precious years of youth don't last.
Role models? Depends on how you work it out. For SAH (stay at home) folks, keep in touch with other SAHs. For working parents, share stories with colleagues. Some people have a child grandparent nearby, or close enough. Some people hire "helpers."
Bottom line: kids are expensive and take a lot of time, to raise right. They also provide love and pride.
Could the government help? Sure. I wish I lived in a European country and could take two years, PAID, as maternity leave. Nice. Or, some organizations provide on-site daycare. Very nice. Whatever arrangements you manage, expect to be slightly sleep-deprived for a few years.
I'm not a mother yet, but I have watched many women make the transition from career woman to working mother and it's almost always really tough at first.
I think the best solution to this is paid maternity leave for 6 months (instead of the unpaid 6 WEEKS that FMLA allows.) After all, no one is ready to return to work 6 weeks after giving birth, and it's tragic that so many women are forced to pump milk in storage closets because they couldn't afford to stay home longer with their newborns.
As a single mother, soon to be married, I rely heavily on my family to pick up the slack when I can't make it ontime (anywhere) because of a work issue. My fiance is unable to help with running around much, but I have no idea what I would do withoutmy family.
Because I have this benefit, I put a lot of energy into being a stop-gap for other single parents I know. I make sure that my daighter knows I love her, knows everything I do is for her, and take my personal time when she is asleep (if I'm not doing household chores). I involve her in my work by taking her to the office, showing her what I'm working on at home, and talking to her about it. It is important to her to know that I work so we can reach specific goals, and talk to her about them.
I also make sure to take care of myself, and let her know that I am doing that so that I can be a better mom. She gets all my energy, and I get very few breaks and only a few hours of sleep, but it is worth it.
Don't kid yourselves, it doesn't get better until they are functioning more autonomously (14 or 15). It doesn't get better when school starts (homework, school functions, play dates, etc.). It is worth every second if you have the guts to devote yourself for 1.5 decades.
I'd like to thank all the mothers who were kind enough to share your experiences here. You seem to confirm my conclusion that while being a working parent today is rife with challenges, everyone finds their own way to make it work (although everyone agrees there can and should be ways to make this easier).
@Ann:
I take some offense to your comment:
"I think if you spent some time with a working parent, you would become much more appreciative of what they have to offer the workforce and their family."
I spent 18 years being raised by a single working mother which is why I'm a believer in the "it takes a village" model of parenting.
What I'm wondering is what do mothers do when they don't have the support of their village?
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?