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My friend Yu-kai Chou and I have this theory. The theory is that “Women are a hero’s grave.”A Hero is someone who goes out into the world on an epic quest, and on this epic quest he saves people, villages, slays demons, dragons, and lives a life to accomplish great things. His great deeds are not for himself; rather, his work saves the lives of people around him and he makes the world a better place to live in. Because the Hero is out there slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, he is creating a better world.
But what happens when the Hero falls in love? Once the Hero falls in love, he becomes completely consumed by the woman. He breathes, sleeps, and lives for her and her every dying wish. The Hero will hang up his sword and shield just to spend all day with his love lying in the sun and living a carefree life.
If the Hero suddenly realizes that he should go save a town by slaying a dragon, his love will just pull him back into her arms and all of the Hero’s epic desires will quickly fade away once again. You see, the Hero is no longer living a life trying to make the world a better place to live. He is now content with the way the world is and nothing exists outside of his love.
Running a company is like being a Hero. You’re creating something new, going out on an adventure, and have many obstacles in your way that you must overcome. If you succeed, you will have created a (hopefully positive) difference in this world and you will be remembered for your great accomplishments.
Like the Hero above, I have a Love. She is very understanding of what I am doing and trying to accomplish. She is supportive in every way, and does not let me hang up my sword and shield. However, continuing on your quest takes much more than the support of your Love. It takes tremendous self-discipline and unrelenting self-motivation. There are countless times when I force myself not to go out with my girlfriend or when I force myself to get out of bed when we’re cuddling.
I feel that I have found the perfect relationship because Kim (my girlfriend) respects and understands the quest that I have chosen to take. And at the same time, I have the discipline and self-control to keep moving forward even though the temptations are so great.
So before you go out and embark on your epic quest as an entrepreneur, really take the time to understand what you will be giving up and what kind of discipline that you will need in order to succeed.
@Tiffany: Yes, you totally understand where I'm coming from. I'm very happy for you because you sound like you're in a perfect relationship as well for your career. Good luck to you as well!
I think you have an interesting point here. There's truth in love sometimes "distracting" you from your business goals, but at the same time, I work at a nursing home, and not one of those elderly individuals look back to when they made that great deal at work. They look back to when they were cuddling with their significant other. It's all about what your priorities are.
And like you said, hopefully you can have a situation where you can succeed in both spheres.
It can be quite difficult to maintain a balance between a career and your love. My fiance and I work closely together in ensuring that we help each other with all of our endeavors. We also have a son so it becomes a juggle to make sure that we have time as a couple, a family and just for ourselves. I totally understand what you mean though about not wanting to leave your honey. I sometimes wake up not wanting to go to work because his arms are so comfortable around me. But I think its awesome that you have someone who sees your ambition as a strength rather than a relationship inhibitor. Good luck with everything!
@ Liz - It seems as though you're always very sensitive to 'sexist' posts. Maybe it's you!
http://www.brazencareerist.com/2008/07/01/just-looking-good-isnt-enough/
@Monica: I agree, and I would be one of those people with time management problems. I have trouble balancing work, my hobbies, and errands such as grocery shopping and cleaning. The chores usually take a back seat, and I don't even bother trying to start a relationship. (It just isn't a priority.)
I agree that your significant other needs to completely support you in your quest for you to be successful.
But without a supportive significant other, there are all kinds of other things to distract heroes, many of which are much worse than loving arms to welcome him/her home at night.
I actually gave up entrepreneurship (full-time entr., that is) because my wife just doesn't trust it. She likes a steady paycheck. Luckily, I'm a pretty flexible person who decided going the corporate route would be just as worthwhile, though with different pros and cons.
Oh, I totally feel ya. I'm three months into a new relationship and everything's gone to hell. I kept a rigorously packed schedule, and now I do so little I feel guilty even saying I have a business.
Your post reminds me that the onus is on me. My significant other is incredibly supportive, and my entrepreneurial spirit is a big part of why he fell in love with me. I'm the one who's become lazy. Thanks for the kick in the pants!
I think that this applies to not just the entrepreneurial types. The summer I was a lawyer and a girlfriend at the same time I was completely at my wits end. But maybe that is because I tend to try to be really good at everything, and it is hard to do both when they place demands on the same hours of the day. I don't know if you can be 100% into giving your significant other all you can and 100% into your career. And then have all of life's other obligations/do anything else. There aren't that many percentage points to go around ;)
In some ways, I think that it is a false choice to pit love against entrepreneurship. Both experience add and reinforce your strengths in the other. I don't think that it is necessary to have them be all or nothing.
Could there have been any other way to make the point, "Devotion to work requires sacrifice, from your signification other as well as from you," without echoing the whole, "Women make your legs weak," line of sexist lore?
I think you have found the perfect relationship because you have someone who understands you and wants to see you succeed and grow more than she wants you to stay with her and fulfill her needs all day long. That's kind of a different thing from the tone of, "My lady understands I cannot be cuddling all the time..." that the article took.
Jun, great article. I get so annoyed when people use their careers as an excuse for why they don't have meaningful relationships, or vice versa. If you can't have a successful career and a successful home life the problem is your time management skills.
At the end of the day, a business is just a business. It's not going to offer support when things go wrong, celebrate with you when you triumph, tell you unpleasant truths you need to hear, or other things that your love will.
There's millions of tales of enterpreneurs who sacrificed all for their dreams of success, only to leave a trail of broken hearts and families in their wake. The old slogan, "Nobody lay on their deathbed, wishing they'd spent more time at work" is still true today.
"There are countless times when I force myself not to go out with my girlfriend or when I force myself to get out of bed when we’re cuddling."
You may see it as self-discipline, but it can also be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. If it's really love, you'll find the time to be with her and not be forced to drag yourself away from her arms when she wants to express her love for you. Be careful to keep such episodes to a minimum. Time management is going to be crucial.
And what happens if she is not only supportive, but actually wants to participate in helping shape your dream into reality? If this is so important to you, I can imagine she would want to participate in it as well. That's going to open up another can of worms.
Just a few thoughts.
@Bart: I agree. There are many things that can distract a hero; however, I feel that your love can be most distracting because it is also the most important. It is very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when your number 1 priority is work. I see that you gave up being an entrepreneur for your wife. That is great for you and your relationship, but I could never do such a thing. Every person must be honest with themselves and know what their priorities are. I wish you good luck with everything and I hope you and your wife are as happy as can be.
@Holly: Glad that I could give the "kick in the pants", hahaha. In all seriousness, we're both in the same position. We both have incredibly supportive significant others, but at the same time, they would much rather we spend time with them than with our companies. If I'm ever in need of my own "kick in the pants," I'll reach out to you and hopefully you can set me right back on track.
@Beth: It's true, you can't give 100% to your career and 100% on your relationship at the same time. I try hard to set time during the week just for my gf, and I feel extreme pressure when a meeting just pops up during my "gf time." My gf is understanding and encourages me to go to my business meetings, but I think there will come a time when I will be put in the position where I have to choose one over the other. At this young age of my career, I have to choose my career to keep the momentum going. I hope my gf will understand.
@Vanessa: I think you're right in that both enforce the other; however, you can't put 100% of yourself in both. One is always limited by time. If you want to make your company succeed, you can't give your significant other everything that she deserves (time wise). If you're 100% for your relationship, then your company will inevitably die. I feel that startups are just like a relationship, and maintaining two relationships is extremely difficult.
@Liz: I'm sorry the article seemed "sexist" to you. My original title was "Women: A Hero's Grave" and underneath the title I wrote "Men: A Heroine's Grave." I meant the post to be about relationships in general, and not just particularly towards a male entrepreneur. I am a dude, so I wrote the post from my point of view.
@Monica: Yes! It's all about time management and discipline. It annoys me when people walk around mopping that their gf/bf is mad that they don't spend enough time with them. You CAN make the time. Set an evening when you cook together, watch a movie, and spend a great night together. Or set another date when you can go hang out at the beach.
The most difficult part is the emotional instability. Relationships always cause emotional stress (even if you're in a super happy one), so it's very hard to be emotionally stressed with your company and then be happy when you come home to your gf/bf.
@jrandom42: Nobody lays on their death bed wishing they had worked more; however, everyone (ok, well not everyone but most people) lays on their death bed wishing they had accomplished more. This post is not about work, it is about accomplishing your life goals, and for an entrepreneur, your life goal is building a successful and profitable company.
I don't really "drag myself" from her arms. That would imply that I'm annoyed with her. On the contrary, it is extremely difficult to pull away from her arms. For example, I just dropped off Kim at her work (we carpool to LA so that we can spend some extra time together) and she wants to eat dinner together tonight. Now, I have to think, "is dinner with her tonight worth my time." It sucks, but I have so much work to do that a 2 hour dinner would just put me way behind schedule.
Even though I am disciplined, I know I will break tonight and go for the dinner.
I have actually asked her to participate in my company, but she doesn't want to. That's great for me because I get to concentrate on my company all by myself :)
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