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Email ThisI’ve been asking this question a lot lately. No, it’s not because I’ve embarked on a string of one-night-stands, it’s a question I’ve been posing to my husband ad nauseum since I decided to quit my job and be a stay-at-home wife. Note: If anyone has been waiting to call me hypocrite, here is your golden opportunity. Before I decided to leave my job, I wrote a long piece on why I thought the plight of the stay-at-home-dad was total bullshit, and that Mr. Mom should learn to suck it up and love his time off.
Er. Um. Sheepish sorry.
However, I’m not doing a 180. I hold fast to my opinion that there is no logical reason anyone shouldn’t respect a stay-at-home whomever, and that anyone in that position can feel confident of their value.
What I am realizing is that there is a pretty big psychological garden to tend to when one spouse is in this role. Despite my desire to approach this life change with logic and reason, I have felt the fear of losing my husband’s respect.
I feel myself being warped into a world where I’m disrespected for being a woman, particularly a housewife. I find myself saying things like, “Well, I’ve worked all day too…” to stake my territory as equal contributor to the family despite drastically reduced income.
To be honest, I’ve been working like a dog since I quit my job. I see just how disorganized we are, how lonely our pooch is, how much food we waste, how many calls need returning, and dishes and laundry that need to be washed. While I was busy working and studying, we either let things slip or it was my husband who took on the extra load.
Because of this, I’ve been eager to show my gratitude for his support, urging him to let me know if he needed me to do anything. But yesterday, when he asked me to iron his shirts, it was like some psycho-anti-man switch went off in my head.
I assumed he thought I wasn’t doing anything. I assumed that within a few short days, he thought he’d acquired a maid. I’m also sure I’ve been over-confident as to what I can accomplish in an 8 hour day (much like when I worked full-time) and have over-sold my schedule. I’m sure I just don’t understand how it all works yet.
I did take my own advice though and talked to him about my feelings before they got out of hand. He said, “This is nothing new. You’ve had this fear since we met and you always realize I still love and respect you.”
“I’m not convinced.”
“Okay, what about when we dated and you wouldn’t let me buy you things because you thought we wouldn’t interact as equals? Or how when you moved in you thought I was refusing to clear out closet space for you because I didn’t want you there, but in reality you never told me you needed it?”
“Um.”
“You are over that, right? Don’t you see as far as I’m concerned, we’re 50/50?”
The answer is yes. I know he means what he says. And after 15 more minutes of bickering all I could say was, “I know you respect me. But I need you to be extra sensitive that I am afraid you won’t for right now.”
I hate that I need coddling about this. I want to be strong and firm in my choice to dump my job. I know it’s the best choice, I know that I was going to lose my mind if I stayed. I know that I’m so much happier that I’ve done it. I know my husband respects me and I’m even more valuable now that he has a wife who is happy, self-assured, and can respect herself enough to leave an unhealthy situation.
So, since my husband is not the culprit and I’m not a fan of blaming “society,” I’ll need to spend some time asking myself why I feel this way despite evidence to the contrary.
Same story, different tune.
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I think your fears are pretty natural. I was broke this weekend and actually felt weird when my lawyer boyfriend offered to pony up both tickets and concessions. Whether people like to hear it or not, money shifts the dynamic. The catch? It’s us who is making the shift, not the guys. They could care less - we’re the ones freaking out in our heads about whether or not this means I’m This label or That label.
You did the right thing, though - you talked to him about it. Just keep plugging along. You’ll find your balance. You can’t expect for something like this to be just peachy right away.
@Holly Hoffman
I agree. I wonder, would I feel the same if a girlfriend or relative offered to pay my way? Probably, but on a milder level. I think the psychological sting of allowing your significant other or spouse to care for you is worse for some reason! It makes no sense really. I just wonder where it comes from…
But you are right, at least my husband and I have gotten to the point where my mental traumas last a short time and we can move on to more important things, like watching The Wire.
I think you’ll enjoy this: http://www.startupnation.com/blogs/index.php/2008/07/16/stay-at-home-mom/.
@Holly Hoffman
Hehehe. I like it. I suppose the moniker itself drums up stale images of women snacking on bon-bons and champagne mid-day. Not reality. (Okay, I might do that one day in the future just for kicks.)
Time for a new name. Or how about no label at all?
I’m thinking of telling people I’m an economist and then leave them guessing.
If I were married to a stay-at-home husband, I would possibly look like I lost respect for him to an outside observer or even to him, but more likely I would secretly envy him for having the luxury of choosing what to do with his day. I would envy him less if he spent a great deal of time or effort housekeeping, but since I don’t mind living in a dirty house (like I do right now), I wouldn’t care if he did a good job keeping house.
@Eileen
Interesting observation. I’m sure we’d envy and/or lose respect for anyone we thought wasn’t “pulling their weight” either in the home or work or wherever. I think that as long as two people agree on the value of each other’s work - they should be fine.
However, in your example, if a wife didn’t mind a messy home, and let’s say her spouse spent considerable effort keeping it clean, she might not notice said efforts and then perhaps unjustly disrespect him? Possible. And perhaps this is where fears of disrespect real or imagined come from. Similarly, a husband may not adequately value his wife’s cooking, cleaning, and caring for kids. However, I’d posit a week or so in role reversal could clear up any misconceptions! ; )
Interesting either way!
Dogbert had it right: “I’m not unemployed, I’m a consultant”
@jrandom42
Good one, but I think your joke is quite valid though. Someone who is unemployed, at will or otherwise, is still a highly valueable member of society. Or at least has the opportunity to be. I’m sure there are choices that are not so valuable, but the state of being unemployed doesn’t inherently imply that.
I think that is the most critical aspect of my new state, recognizing my value is not directly tied to income! I’m so used to having my worth measured in paychecks. I’ve got to find a new currency now too…
: )
My wife has had to struggle with that as well. Having been a single mother with 5 kids and a cop/firefighter/paramedic for over 20 some years (she won’t let me specify how many), adjusting to being a hausfrau has had some really bumps in the road.
She finally got involved in other activities, and while she still hates housekeeping, she counts her value in the time we can spend together doing the things we like and the things we sometimes need to do.
My wife has had to struggle with that as well. Having been a single mother with 5 kids and a cop/firefighter/paramedic for over 20 some years (she won’t let me specify how many), adjusting to being a hausfrau has had some real bumps in the road.
She finally got involved in other activities, and while she still hates housekeeping, she counts her value in the time we can spend together doing the things we like and the things we sometimes need to do.
In my example, if roles were reversed the wife simply would do as little cleaning as possible, so instead of valuing her husband’s work, she would wonder why he bothers unless he really values cleanliness or does it for exercise or out of boredom.
You see, I operate under the assumption that the freedom to be lazy is the real ultimate goal.(Maybe it’s just me.) If economic or other practicalities force me to be the one who has to work, I’m going to be envious of those who don’t. Socially, acknowledging that I prefer to be lazy doesn’t go over well, so my envy might end up being channeled into fake disrespect.
@jrandom42
Great point about “counting value in the time we can spend together.” I am starting to realize that this is one way I can “reward” myself. When stuff is done around the house, my husband and I can spend more time together, or apart on activities we find valueable besides doing more grunt work after a long day at the office.
I’m hoping this is what I can contribute, and ultimately we’ll both be happier, even minus my income.
@Eileen
Again, interesting point of view. I love that you say, “freedom to be lazy is the real ultimate goal.” I figure most would agree with that, but I could be wrong! At least for me being lazy equals = doing what I want when I want.
I don’t think I’ll achieve a permanant state of calling my own shots, but like I said above, I hope that spending more time caring for the most fundamental parts of our life will lead to more free time and ability to say how we use it.
I will say this - being a house wife is more complex than the static representation (eg. bon bons above, or cleaning, cooking, baby-rearing). I think my new role has so many fascinating possibilities. Just writing about it here is making me realize how much value there is. Gee whiz, thanks guys!
“At least for me being lazy equals = doing what I want when I want.”
Totally agree!
I don’t have a problem with this. You are doing the teaching thing from home, right? And being productive? If you’re actually doing something, it doesn’t matter if it’s at the house of at an office.
@Lance
My first thought after reading your response was, “Who the hell is this guy?” Then I read your blog and was like, “Oh, now I get it.”
Thanks for the seal of approval. Will you be giving me a yearly performance review too?
For a couple of moonths now my fiance has been the stay at home dad and I totally envy the time he spends with our son. He cleans and makes sure I’m all set each night for work the next day. This has been challenging yet relaxing for him since he is one of those people who when employed he never takes a vacation or day off and this is exactly what he did when I was home for a while. He took care of most things financially without batting an eye and I see this as my time to do the same. He won’t be home much longer and I’ll miss being able to spend as much time as a family with ease as we do now.
Trust me, your husband is more than happy to bring home the bacon, knowing you’ll be there to cook and eat it with him. =p
My wife still works and is in grad school (we both do both). For quite awhile, she volunteered to do the ironing, but rarely actually got around to it. She felt so guilty, just like she does when she doesn’t make dinner, do the shopping, laundry, or keep the house clean.
The funny thing is that she volunteered to do all of those things, while volunteering me to take care of the yard, take out the trash, kill the bugs, clean the bathroom, and various other tasks that she doesn’t like. I never asked her to do any of those things, and I always tell her it’s completely up to her what she wants to do, just as I hope she doesn’t mind if I leave the lawn for another day when I’m just not feeling in the mowing mood.
Long story short, I do my own ironing, she makes dinner when she wants and we either go out other nights, or I’ll cook breakfast foods for dinner, I do the laundry roughly 1/3 of the time, I usually clean the bathroom, and she usually takes me with her to do the shopping (even though it’s more expensive when I go for some reason).
Okay, that wasn’t short.
I have “stayed at home” for almost 4 months now. Sometimes, I feel good because I have all the times in the world to do things and that is usually in the morning. But at night, I feel that “time really flies” and I usually do not finish what I set to do for the day. Oh, sometimes, I do not even wake up until afternoon due to “late” nights. And I really like staying up late.
Staying-at-home is not hard and it is not easy either. In fact, I find it to be harder than working because it requires much more discipline and “keeping to the flow”. I can be washing the toilets, cooking, blogging, reading books, doing laundry, reading online news, going to gym - all in one day and with the flow going. But most probably, not in one day, because I have all “the motivation” to take things very slow.
I should have focus on fewer activities than that, but I am adamant that even though I am not working, that does not mean I cannot learn new things, keep up-to-date to what is happening, and improving my knowledge.
Well, for now, I have enough of staying at home and I am actually looking for job. My ideal job will allow me to learn new skill sets, have more flexible hours, and not so demanding. I do not really mind if it is low-paid at all. It is great to have some sort of income of my own. Believe me, it is better to use your own money to buy birthday gift for your darling and using his money to buy. If you use his money, you really do not know how much to spend to buy him gift. Because if you spend too much on something not so useful, you will feel bad as it is his hard-earned money. If you spend too less, you most probably end up with something lame and not “thoughtful”.
In Chinese saying, “big woman” is someone capable, strong, independent and the type that put guys off because they are too smart and powerful. And “small woman” is someone who whines and feeds the ego of guys, with guys taking care of her and being pampered.
I used to focus my energy so much in being a big woman, until I suck big in doing housework, cooking and I even have problem keeping my desk tidy. My darling give me a sound advice – if you want to be a big woman, you need to be a damn good small woman first.
So, I aspire to be both. I think I am getting near it.
And, Milena, best of luck to you.
My advice, just remember to think for yourself what you really want to do in your life. Of course, you should take advices and opinions from those you love, but still you are the only one who know best and decide what you want to do.
@Tiffany
I’ve heard your feelings echoed in other conversations I have. It seems that anyone who has a spouse stay home is extremely grateful that he or she does it. I hear more often than not it is the ideal situation.
Thanks for the words of encouragement!
@Bart
Wow, it sounds like I do exactly what your wife has been doing. I promise the moon to my husband by the time he gets home and then beat myself up when I don’t deliver. He truly doesn’t care.
I think I need to learn that no one has crazy expectations for me but me.
@Susan Lim
Great ways to think about things! I love “big woman, small woman.” How interesting. I have a problem being cared for, I feel it is a weakness on my part.
I’m still learning the tough intricacies of marriage to be sure. I love getting all these different perspectives!