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My sister and I went to a barbeque recently to meet up with a family friend in town for the weekend (we didn’t know anyone else there). A few people offered us beer and wine, but my sister and I rarely (and I mean rarely) drink. We said we were fine for now but got the same “is there anything wrong?” look from each person who offered us drinks. Eventually, my sister said she wouldn’t mind some soda, so we went into the kitchen, but the only bubbly beverage to be found was San Pellegrino.
Internal cheering on my part. I love me some bubbly water.
As the night went on, we were talking about government jobs (so DC) with some people when a guy looked into our nearly empty cups and asked if he could get us a beer. My sister said that we were fine (speak for yourself; I wanted more bubbly water). He was a little persistent, so she told him that we really don’t drink.
“You don’t drink??” he asked and gasped.
A girl standing nearby stopped her conversation to lean over and say, “Wait…did you just say you don’t drink??”
“Wait - they don’t drink??” said another person (also not involved in our conversation).
It was like an echo that I’m sure reached the front lawn of the White House.
Ahhh, yeah...more often than not, we don’t.
WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?
WHY DO YOU CARE?
HAVEN’T WE, AS A SOCIETY, GOTTEN OVER THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T DRINK?
Just a few (ANGRY) thoughts that ran through my head at that moment. As shocked as these people were that we weren’t drinking, I was equally shocked that they cared. A few years younger than everyone at the barbeque, naïve me thought that people in their late 20s would have gotten over the juvenile, drinking-is-essential gospel.
My drinking gas-infused water at a party doesn’t mean that I’m having a bad time or that I’m uptight or that I’m judging you for drinking. I’m not; I want you to have a good time as much as I want to, and I respect the different routes we might take to fulfillment (unless they’re illegal). I can be playful and laid back and carry on a banter without alcohol, so please don’t look at me like I’m weird when I decline to mimic the drink in your hand.
I will drink (a little) on occasion. If I’m out for drinks for a friend’s birthday, I’ll order a mojito and I’ll enjoy it. A hearty salute to fresh mint. On a recent trip to Greece, I savored each sip of a poolside pina colada and a beachfront banana colada. I think frozen drinks with umbrellas (the umbrella is key) are some of the finer things in life. Sunday brunch is one of my favorite meals, and with that, I think a mimosa is, on occasion, the perfect complement to a frittata.
When I studied abroad in Prague, I liked learning about Czech culture through the pairing of certain beers with traditional cuisine. It wasn’t the binge, get-drunk-quick culture I associate with many Americans I know or have observed in proximity. I’m not making a generalization and saying every American follows suit; I’m just speaking based on my experience as a teen, a college student, and now a young professional.
For me, not drinking is based on a preference for tastes and physical reactions; it’s not a moral issue or something that I have a carefully conceived argument to support. I generally don’t like the taste of alcohol (hence the beauty of frozen alcoholic drinks that mask the taste) and, overall, I don’t like how I feel after drinking anything more than one drink. I can, though, appreciate the relaxing feeling contained in that one drink (or less - I’m a light weight).
My relationship with drinking is like my relationship with red meat. In my everyday life, I don’t eat red meat. If I’m out at a really nice restaurant and my dad gets filet mignon, I’ll have a bite. If I’m traveling and there’s a traditional dish that incorporates red meat, I’ll order it. I don’t avoid alcohol or red meat as if they were plagues; I just opt for healthier alternatives that achieve similar benefits.
For example, some people say that alcohol relaxes them and helps to unwind after a long day. My substitute for that is a yoga class (on a hot pink yoga mat). It relaxes me, helps me sleep better, and poises me to face the rest of my night more calmly than I might have if I hadn’t done yoga. Some people tote the benefits of red meat as a protein rich source. It is; I won’t argue that. But I prefer to get protein from sources with less fat, like chicken, and also non-meat sources like tofu and beans.
If you are someone who enjoys drinking and have ever questioned the sanity of someone who doesn’t, I urge you to remember this post the next time you’re at a party and see someone without a drink in hand. Before you offer to fill it with a beer, maybe you could just extend your own hand first, introduce yourself, start a conversation, and see if eventually they ask for a beer or a glass of San Pellegrino.
To each his/her own; can’t we just leave it at that?
Totally agree! Try being vegetarian... or gasp...vegan like my husband (who coincidentally is also a non-drinker).
Sometimes it does become tiresome to constantly have to explain that "No fish is not a vegetable" or that "No Brian does not want a beer" but most of the time we just polietly get what we want/need and move on.
Thanks for this post, Jackie. As a 22-year-old who doesn't drink, I couldn't agree more. I am consistently baffled by why others care so much about the fact that I'm not drinking when I could care less whether they have none, one, or ten.
@ Anne - I have heard a variation on those comments my entire life because I'm originally from Wisconsin and don't drink alcohol, eat red meat, or drink milk. Barbecues back home are extra fun because people can't imagine that I'm happy with my bottle of water and veggie burger or piece of chicken and keep insisting that I "just have a beer" or "just grab a burger." How will that make them feel better, and why do they care in the first place?
I couldn't agree more with Norcross and everyone who has echoed the comments about how people who have a problem with you not drinking tend to have their own problems with alcohol. That kind of comment usually has everything to do with its speaker and little to nothing to do with its intended recipient.
Strange. I haven't had a drink for about 5 years now, and the only time I got a 2nd glance about not drinking was early on after I stopped. And that was due to previously never turning down a drink. Ever.
In the case of alcohol, I find that people who are uncomfortable when others aren't drinking have some sort of issue with their OWN drinking.
I completely agree, if someone is not drinking and you are, it should not be a big deal. However, we have to realize that people feel much more comfortable using the, "can I get you a drink" line as an ice breaker. It gives you something in common with a person you may be trying to start a conversation with, so don't get offended if that comes before an introduction.
Hey Jackie,
Nice post. Just wait until you get older and the "she must be pregnant" rumors start to unfold. After I got married, every time I went to an event and opted for a non-alcoholic beverage, the whispers started. I'd finally end up saying something like, "I've got a big day tomorrow," and even then, I'd still get asked at least six times if I was pregnant.
Also, I remember turning 21 in France and telling my European friends that if I was in America, we'd be partying all night in a bar. They looked at me like I was nuts. We stayed in and watched their version of 'America's Got Talent' instead.
Cheers!
@Norcross – I think the issue in my case was that I didn’t know anyone at the party except one person, so had I been at a barbecue with many of my friends, the expectation that I would drink wouldn’t have been there.
@Dan – I disagree about not being offended by the “can I get you a drink” line. When people ask me if I want a drink, it makes me uncomfortable because I know the reaction that is bound to come (why aren’t you drinking??). People can break the ice by asking how they know the host of the party, where they went to school/grew up, etc. People need to be more sensitive to those who don’t conform to the masses. For example, now that I have a few good friends who have lost a parent, I ask people where their "family" is from, rather then where their "mom and dad" or "parents" live because I know how my friends feel when they get that question.
It's been about 15 months since I've had a drink, and yes, people look aghast at me all the time when I say I'm ot drinking. I usually try to make light of it. I have my trusty handful of jokes ("No thanks. I'm allergic - I break out in fights and handcuffs."). I feel your frustration though. And I agree with Norcross - when people have a problem with me not drinking, it's because they have a problem with their own.
It's especially frustrating that people think that just because they need "social lubricant" that I do too, then they feel uncomfortable around me. Whatever, dude. You'll find me over there, talking to the people who don't give a rat's ass.
I never got much peer pressure regarding drinking, but I did have a boss who, if you didn't order something alcoholic at a business dinner, would go into a litany of "Why aren't you drinking? What's wrong? You should have a drink. Seriously, what's the big deal? Have a drink. Is there some kind of problem? Why aren't you drinking?"
It was a very dysfunctional office.
I also don't drink because I'm not too into the taste (the only beer I like isn't exported from Australia) and don't like that inebriated feeling. Additionally alcoholism runs in the family.
While I've learned to always have a glass of water in hand -- if you aren't drinkless or holding an empty glass fewer people mention your beverage.
And on the rare occasion I do get asked about my lack of drinking, and the first two responses aren't enough to satisfy the questioner -- the alcoholism factors always is, which sometimes seems to score character points (and that I always find bizarre).
My relationship to alcohol is VERY similar to yours. I drink alcohol on very rarely. I'm not a person who uses it to relax/loosen up/have fun/get buzzed/etc etc. Only once have I purchased alcohol to use at home - and that was because I was making Sangria for my birthday party.
People get pretty shocked when you turn down alcohol or when you say you aren't a big drinker. I was at a 4th of July shindig that my landlady was throwing and I just drank soda all night and people kept questioning me. "Have you had a drink yet?" "Are you going to have a drink?" "Why aren't you drinking?" I'm really not sure why people seem to care so much. What's the big deal?
People used to think it was a moral thing for me. It's not. I just choose not to drink most of the time. Because of my choice, I don't hang out at bars and for the most part I avoid situations where people are wasted or planning on getting wasted. If other people do enjoy those things, fine. Like you said, to each his own.
I think some people urge you to drink because they think it is synonymous with a good time. I can handle a few, "Are you sure's?" so that the host or hostess can rest easy that they've offered their social niceties. But when the questions prod beyond to "C'mon, just have one!" I get annoyed.
I think I'm allergic to certain alcohols (not sure which) so sometimes I avoid them altogether if I'm not up for a possible weird reaction.
Hey Jackie,
I completely feel your pain. I just started to drink and I will only drink with certain people and can only handle about one and a half. I don't like to get drunk b/c after the alcohol lift comes down, it really sucks.
I also agree with the whole being 21 means drinking logic. I completely think its a mind thing where people tell themselves that to be 21 means to drink and the non-drinkers are just prude.
I don't drink because I dislike the taste of alcohol, and I don't get any pleasant sensations from drinking it. Sometimes I also start to feel sick to the stomach after only a few sips of a strong drink. I once made a rum screwdriver too strong. A few sips made me feel very uncomfortable. The next morning I had a hangover. Fortunately, most of the people I know don't comment on my lack of drinking.
Amen and thank you for that post!
And imagine being French and getting "But you're French and you don't...
-drink wine??!!"
-eat cheese??!!"
Or just "But you're French", like we French spend our time drinking wine and eating cheese on a baguette.
Let's hope people hear you.
@Milena - I have weird reactions to vodka. I don't like it 99% of the time, but my friend can make a tasty Lemon Drop, so that's my only exception, and that's rare. I've realized that vodka makes me incredibly sleepy. I'll head downstairs to my place, immediately fall asleep and have the best sleep - for about two hours. Then I wake up and can't sleep for the rest of the night. And that's just after one drink. It's so miserable to be exhausted but unable to rest.
I love the paragraph where you equate drinking to eating red meat. While I don't eat any meat, I do savor the taste of a great glass of red now and then and very much enjoy a beer tasting. To me, it's much more quality over quantity (never again will I pick up a PBR!). I think alcohol has the ability to play a great role in our lives - be it learning about the brewing process, getting a cocktail with girlfriends, or complimenting a well-made meal with a great glass. But I acknowledge that the role alcohol plays in each person's life can be drastically different than her friend's.
Thanks for a great post!
You don't drink?!?!?!?! LOL I just couldn't stop myself. I would have been one of the loud, half-drunk individuals who just couldn't understand why someone who isn't in AA isn't drinking.
I, my totally unenlightened self, would have gasped and had a heart attack in the floor when finding out that you also don't really eat red meat. My next question would be, What's wrong with you? Because I would have to assume that you had health problems. Tisk, Tisk. I know, I suck.
Apparently we have not moved on from the mentality that if someone choses to live their life differently from our own, then out lifestyle must be defended and the other person must be made to feel like a loser.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and not giving into peer-pressure.
This happens to me all the time. Drinking at social functions isn't just socially acceptable, it's the norm. So if you're not drinking, it stands out. What's funny is that you could conceivably hold ONE drink the entire and no one would say a thing.
My problem is that I'm a notorious partier and people always ask me about drinking when I decide not to partake, which is becoming more often. I'm also an athlete, so I use this excuse:
1. "I'm training for a race, no drinking this week." That always defuses them.
Or, if I'm at a party with those red Dixie cups, I'll fill it with club soda and sip from that. Problem solved.
Good post... I have been a weekend warrior for the last 19 years, and after meeting w/ a psychologist, we agreed I would take 3 months off from drinking. I still go out once a week, and when I do, it is a BIG DEAL to everyone else, but not to me. I am learning a lot about people/friends. There was a girl that I was thinking about hanging out w/, but she made such a HUGE deal about me not drinking the whole night, that it totally turned me off... I will not be kickin it with her because of that. Somebody who is "cool" would not care if you drink or not, or better yet, would actually respect the fact that you're not or that you CAN go out and not drink. For some people it would be impossible to do that.
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