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Email ThisNow that I’m on the downward slide towards thirty, I find that the topic of babies is starting to creep into conversations at networking functions attended by a preponderance of women. Carrying on the family gene pool is a pretty black and white issue for most, and while women are more than willing to put off having kids in the name of building a career, most that I meet hope to have one or two of their own some day.
My best friend got married a few years ago. Cycling served as the common denominator for the couple; not only did they take long bike excursions on weekends, but both taught spinning at area gyms. In the span of a year, they moved in together, got married, and she got pregnant. Once Boy 1 was born, their lives were thrown into complete upheaval. Between day care, work commutes and extended family issues, it took 2 years before either of them set foot in a gym again, despite fitness being an integral part of their lives. Now with Boy 2 in the picture, my friend looks forward to federal holidays so that she can go to the gym, knowing her kids are attended to at day care.
While my friend wouldn’t trade her kids for her freedom, I’m not willing to make that sacrifice. I spent my childhood trying to make other people happy, desperate to connect with another human being at some level with a high personal cost: my passions got lost in the process. Now that I’m finally figuring out who I am and what I want, I not willing to sideline those interests for anyone again, especially for someone that’s going to require 21+ years of financial (about a quarter of million dollars before college is factored in) and emotional support. To some that seems selfish.
But I would argue having kids is also selfish. The world population is growing to a capacity that the planet will not be able to sustain continued exponential growth, and Americans use a disproportionate amount of the planet’s natural resources. Given that half of marriages end in divorce, I have to wonder how often a baby is used as a temporary band aid to obscure deeper issues v. the baby being the issue, since “parents have significantly lower marital satisfaction than nonparents“
Personally, I knew with certainty, on the most primal level, that there was no way I was having kids after watching a “miracle of birth” video in middle school health class, Helen Mirren recently echoed my sentiments.
“I swear it traumatised me to this day. I haven’t had children and now I can’t look at anything to do with childbirth. It absolutely disgusts me.”
Since the US is so fond of medicalizing birth, consider the “condition.” If you were not pregnant, such a condition (considerable amount of weight gain; requisite enhancement of calorie, nutrient and vitamin consumption to compensate for the condition; and a variety of other side effects like hemorrhoids and back pain, all before searing pain as the growth exited your body) would be diagnosed as a parasite. Pregnancy is not a symbiotic relationship.
I acknowledge that for many women, they can overlook the 36-40 weeks of a medical condition, followed by the searing pain of childbirth (that will eventually fade from memory), because the outcome is a new life they get to nurture. Me, I don’t want more responsibility than a puppy.
And I’m likely to be happier for it. Lorraine Ali of Newsweek reports:
In Daniel Gilbert’s 2006 book “Stumbling on Happiness,” the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child—and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008’s “Gross National Happiness” author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.
For an interesting read on modern motherhood, I highly recommend Naomi Wolf’s Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood, which addresses the stereotypes and cultural limitations of contemporary pregnancy and motherhood in America.
I’m also looking forward to seeing the documentary, “The Business of Being Born.” 
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Good perspective on why YOU shouldn’t have children. But I am so tired of hearing the “parents are less happy”, “kids take away your freedom” and all the other arguments. Yes- I understand that having children requires sacrifice. Understand that some people are willing to make that sacrifice even if you aren’t. And, as far as the “condition” you describe, unfortunately, for you to have people to manage in your career, people are going to have the “disease” of pregnancy. Don’t belittle other people’s experiences just because you don’t want to have them.
Without bringing abortion into this issue, because it can obviously easily come into play as a topic here, I applaud your decision to not have children.
I have my first kid on the way and I have never been happier, I just heard the heartbeat for the first time last week and I don’t think I stopped smiling all day. That being said, if you don’t want children and you happen to have them, then the original goal of “not wanting them” will play into not being able to properly care for them anyway.
Just don’t tie this all into nature and us overpopulating the world, there is no reason to continue tying all these issues together, either way you are talking about life. It just so happens that you value a sapling over a baby and that is your choice.
I am however interested in how you plan to stay the course with this. Are you planning on getting married? If so, will you or him get “fixed” or would you just use abortion as a back-up safety plan? If you are not getting married is that backup safety plan your option? I kind of figure from your past conversations that you are more in lines with a feminist and would probably never get fixed because it would take away a sense of control from your body or something.
Either way I would be very interested in what your answers are. (I am showing genuine interest here and not being mean, it’s hard to realize that knowing what I write about, I know)
Nice post, Andrea. I’ve never wanted kids either, and now in my 30s and married, I’m still happy with my choice, as well as happy for my friends who do have kids. Love being an auntie to the little ones in my life, babysitting occasionally, and then sending them home. The primary benefit of the women’s movement is that we have CHOICE…to have a career (or not), to have kids (or not), to get married (or not). Its a beautiful thing.
Chris - I honestly don’t think its any of your business how Andrea plans to “stay the course.” That’s pretty personal information…and I have a really hard time when nosy folks ask questions like that - as if my personal body parts are any of their business. No one EVER asks my husband how he plans to remain childfree.
Andrea, this is SUCH a personal decision, why do you use blips about the world population and happiness studies to prove your point? This is a decision that no one else in the world gets to judge or have an opinion on — so your own preference should be all that matters here.
I’m gonna have to second Kyle’s comments, too. I’m praying that the mommy wars end soon, but with rhetoric this defensive, I know I won’t be seeing any white flags anytime soon.
Whether or not you decide to have kids is your own call, mainly between you and whomever you have a marriage / long term relationship with. For myself, I would not have married my wife if she didn’t want kids, since I already knew I did.
@Jenn-your partially right on that, Zak has all the freedom to say nicely to me that those decisions are personal and she doesn’t want to discuss them BUT she did just lay out all of this information that is already JUST AS personal. I simply asked, not demanded. So hold your judgement on me for I have not placed any judgement thus far..thanks
Wow, I had the same parasite revelation while standing at a DC bus stop and seeing 3 pregnant women walk by. If a mother’s life is in danger, the biological priority is the baby and not the mother. Processes will kick in that reduce the changes of the mother surviving and maximize survival of the child.
I too have been thinking that I do not want children. When I have told people, I get everything from horrified looks to people just openly telling me that I am wrong and will change my mind. I am not sure why not having children is any more or less controversial than having them.
@Chris Please don’t trivialize abortion by calling it a backup plan. If there were greater openness in society to talk about family planning, abortion would not be nearly so prevalent. About 60 percent of pregnancies in America are unplanned, so you tell me how that can contribute to abortion. There are countless anticontraceptives for both men and women, which would virtually eliminate the possibility of accidental pregnancy.
@Vanessa- I completely agree with you about family planning. I’m still a little annoyed by the parasite comment, as it really belittles the experience. I know you don’t want to go there (be pregnant), but don’t make other women seem like they have a disease because they enjoy pregnancy.
@Kyle The comment wasn’t meant to belittle the experience. I was just expressing my feeling about pregnancy. I would never tell that to someone who wants children as a means of disparaging their decision.
21 years if you’re lucky. I still rely on my parents for somethings. Alot of people can’t make ends meet right out of college.
@Vanessa-Right, so you are saying exactly what I am saying. Being that you take the precautions and use condoms and other means and they fail and you accidentally get pregnant, if you do go through with an abortion, how is that not THE backup plan?
Now, if there was just carelessness in the first place and no protection was used and someone got pregnant, then in fact the abortion would not be the “backup plan” but a means of primary birth control leading to not only internal complications and scarring in the woman but also a higher cost than say the condoms or the pill or anything else. Not taking my personal feelings against abortion into the equation, it basically comes down to personal responsibility and how much that will cost you in the end.
If you “don’t want more responsibility than a puppy”, I wouldn’t feel comfortable hiring you, lol.
If you don’t WANT to have children, you don’t want to have them. Case is closed. No need to call pregnancy a disease, and, certainly, no need to focus on the financial aspect of child rearing. Yes, it is expensive and… hard, etc., etc… but since when is it that achieving great things does not require great effort, work, passion, love? Running a marathon, starting a company, and other similar big endeavors require you giving and investing a lot of hard work to succeed, and during the beginning stages your level of happiness is not exactly at its highest. Having children is similar.
We might differ in our opinions in how great of a thing in life having children is and whether or not to have children at all, but I cannot take your reasons for not having children seriously. You don’t feel motherly feelings, you don’t think you will be a good mother, you feel you have a different path in life where your contribution would be similar in its “power” to bringing a human being to life and raising that human being the right way - those seem better reasons. Money will always be there, your one kid will not be the final straw that sends our overpopulated world into chaos, and the weight you gain will be gone and forgotten if you put effort toward it.
The worst thing that can happen to a child is to be born to a parent who has a child because it’s the “thing to do.” It is great that you recognize that you do not want to sacrifice time and money for a child, and I hope that those closest to you will value and accept your decision and that you don’t have to defend yourself just because you don’t want to be someone’s mom!
You did lose me when you mentioned that parents are actually selfish for having kids…For all the reasons that you don’t want to have kids (responsibility, always needing to think of someone else’s needs first, financial issues, physical toll on a woman who gives birth, etc.), it seems a pretty big stretch to suggest that the choice to be a parent is selfish. Plus, there are many people who choose to adopt children, which eliminates the “we don’t want to overpopulate the world” argument.
If having a puppy is your cup of tea, stay the course and don’t let anyone convince you to change your mind!
I agree with a lot of things people said above. You don’t want to have kids? Great! But you needn’t belittle the experience for those that decide they do want kids. You don’t have to justify your decision, its yours. The female body, however, is built to bear children so pregnancy is really not some medical condition like a tumor or diabetes. And the world is not in danger of being unable to sustain growth, people are dying all the time too. In any case, you have every right not to have kids and if you don’t want them, its awesome you know that now. But please, please, please don’t pretend that all mothers are women who failed to acknowledge your oh so convincing arguments.
Really, Andrea? I think kids are going to be by the far the most challenging and rewarding adventure of my life. My wife and I have plenty of fun together, and it’s hard to imagine taking on the responsibility of children. Why would we want to do that when we’re having so much fun? Children will most definitely limit us in many ways. They’ll take all kinds of time and effort, and they’ll most likely be ungrateful at times.
But from what I’ve seen, they provide seriously great joy as well. I’m not planning to have kids just to have family around me when I’m older, but it will certainly be a huge benefit to the whole thing.
It’s definitely your choice, and I highly recommend against having kids if you’re not completely willing and wanting to do what it’ll take to raise them well. But it just seems sad to me - the idea of a future with no kids.
Just to add a little more fuel to the fire and perhaps some education / information for those interested, please visit:
http://www.vhemt.org/
FWIW, I also do not plan on having children. I enjoy my life without them - I’m certainly not sad - and like someone said above I can enjoy other people’s children when I want to.
There are plenty of children in this world right now who need an adult’s love and attention, and I wholeheartedly believe that this need can be met by people in roles besides that of being a parent.
More power to you and those who say they neva eva eva want to have kids because of how much they cost, how much attention they need, or they’re only a band-aid to fix a broken relationship. I waited until I was 35 years old to have a child because I loved being able to travel,work,spend,sleep, drink and party as much as I wanted. But after I had my child I didn’t miss any of that at all! Now I go to parties and after a couple of hours, I’m ready to leave. I go shopping for myself and end up buying tons of stuff for my daughter; she’s included in all of my travel plans and if I can’t bring her I make sure I’m not gone for more than a day or two. Oh sure, I love to reminisce about the good old days but the love and adoration I have for my daughter surpasses any desire to want to revisit those times. Maybe one day you’ll find out.
Monica O’Brien wrote a better post about this idea on her blog TwentySet. I can see where you were going with this, but using statistics and comparing a fetus to a parasite is nothing new and comes across as a bit of attention-seeking.
Now, if you were being honest about why you don’t want children (you were on the right track when you wrote that you don’t want the responsibility) your post would have been more sincere and less painfully outrageous.
I spent all morning for a job interview, and it was very frustrating watching the comments come in, since I had no time to respond.
Kyle: since I’m blogging about my personal beliefs, I’m allowed to have opinions even if they disagree with yours. I wrote about why I don’t want kids and my response to what I experience as one of the more common comments (you’re selfish) when I make clear I don’t want children.
Chris,
You can’t not tie reproductive options into the issue population management. Even in the wild, animals occasional kill/eat their young because conditions aren’t auspicious for baby mammal rearing. It’s arrogant to think the human race is above population considerations.
Sterilization is a viable birth control option for women, and should be readily available along with condoms, IUDs, birth control pills etc. I have a problem with FORCED sterilization, which typically targets marginalized women in society.
I think marriage is a business contract; love is another issue entirely. If we’re talking hearts and giggles — no I don’t believe in marriage. If we’re talking, the financial benefits — tax breaks, health insurance, pensions — I might consider it, if I found the right person and the benefits (fiscal, intellectual, emotional, and physical) were mutual.
I would never mandate that a sexual partner be sterilized, that’s absurd. Nor would I be in a serious relationship with someone who wanted to have children. I’m a dead end on that front.
Jenn —
Do you get the, “you change your mind” talk from people too? It’s frustrating that there’s still this norm of expecting women to fulfill some biological imperative.
A secondary benefit of that feminist movement is that men are better fathers. Of couples/individuals that do have kids, men are spending more time with their children and are more actively engaged in domestic activities. It’s a great leveler in the field of life.
Chris likes to give me a hard time; I’m kind of used to it at this point. I have another e-mail in my inbox I still haven’t addressed.
Anna,
I use facts and figures because I believe in evidence-based decision making. I’m a realist that looks at likely outcomes, given past patterns. Thus, I make many person decisions based on the available data, be it personal experience or in depth studies.
Norcross:
I think the kids conversation is an important one to have. I would never ask a man to sacrifice his desire to father, because of my preference. That’s a fish I’d send back to the sea.
Vanessa:
Motherhood, like everything else, is a social construct. Women, by their gender, are tied to their uteruses — so it seems unnatural to some that women could opt to not make use of what nature gave them.
But as Jenn points out, women’s lib created a lot of CHOICE for women.
90% of American women will use birth control at some point in their lives. Of the 10% that don’t, they contribute half of the abortions recorded each year. It makes a great case for easily availble contraceptive options. In fact, NOT ONE pro-life organization encourages the wide spread use of the pill or any other method of pregnancy prevention besides abstinence.
Some not only fail to encourage contraception, but also actively discourage any discussion of contraception and family planning. I think discussing reasons and motivations behind having children is a good one to have. It would be better if people could have this discussion without personal attacks or disparaging others. No matter how you feel about having your own child, I think that everyone agrees that children should have the privilege of a happy and healthy home with parents who love them.
Kyle: I respect the choice for women to have children, and read plenty about how beautiful/horny/in touch with nature/in touch with their bodies/connected to their partner/connected to the Earth they feel through pregnancy.
Being in the minority doesn’t invalidate my opinion.
It’s not like I bring it up in conversation when talking with a pregnant women; it would be insensitive.
Tim,
I’m 27 and still haven’t been able to cut the purse strings entirely. While it’s done a drop kick to my self-esteem, I’m grateful to have the support.
Chris,
In an ideal world, abortion is only considered when other methods of birth control fail. You make it sound like a woman is picking pancakes instead of french toast. No woman makes the decision cavalierly.
About 60% of women who have abortions already have one child. They have a really difficult decision to make, and some decide that to do the best for the kid she already has, she can’t have another at a given point in time. I can’t even begin to imagine how heart wrenching that decision is.
Ulyana,
You don’t want to hear that pregnancy could be construed as a disease, but I don’t want to hear how natural and wonderful it is. Reasons we have freedom of speech, so we can openly express of opinions, even when we disagree.
Who are you to judge my reasons for not wanting children?
In wanting to follow my own passions in lieu of having kids, that’s me saying I have different life path. I believe it was Gloria Steinhem who said “I either gave birth to someone else or I gave birth to myself.”
You just seem to not take my word choice seriously.
Miriam,
I’ve actually been really lucky on the family front, aside my mother insisting I’ll some day change my mind, no relative ever brings up kids. Instead, the family dog has become her surrogate grandkid, which is fine by me.
And I’ve found plenty of women over the years who’ve said, “no, I didn’t change my mind, and I don’t regret not having kids.”
Having found the “you’re selfish” comment directed at me because I don’t want to be saddled with children, I think there’s a reasonable argument to be made that having kids is just as selfish. I can think of a number of parents who’ve tried to recapture their youth through their kids, which has made plenty of kids miserable.
I would agree, adoption is a selfless act.
Alexis,
The world is in danger because of unsustainable growth. Fewer people are dying than are being born, though it does vary by country.
I’m not writing to convince women not to have kids; I’m simply expressing my disinterest in having any. I would have taken an entirely different approach if I was campaigning.
Bart,
I can listen to a barking dog all day long, screaming babies and toddler temper tantrums drive me out of my mind.
Congrats for having the patience to raise children, but no need to cry me a river.
Kari,
I like the notion of being Auntie Mame to my friends’ kids and the joy of being able to return them at the end of the day. . .
I look forward to checking out the site for The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
Kara,
I’m glad that you find motherhood so fulfilling; it’s the ideal parenting scenario.
I’ve never been a party girl; rather I’m a loner. The idea of having to spend virtually all my free time with any one person, regardless of age, is exhausting.
Erika,
I can’t say I’ve read Monica’s post. Might you link to it here, since you find my own post inferior?
I actually am being honest — Seeing a pregnant woman makes my innards clench, I don’t want the responsibility for another life, I’d rather spend the money on me, and I have no patience for children — never did. It’s about as honest as I get.
Interesting post I have only met one woman in my lifetime who is married and has no kids and likes it that way. She also cannot see herself dealing with kids of her own and loves to spend time with her niece (for a short period of time, not a lifetime). So I do see where you are coming from and I respect your decision.
I have also witnessed many people having children for all the wrong reasons, including to try to save a lost relationship. This is definitely not a good example to go by when looking from the outside in.
But I will say that I still have hope for you. You may just meet the right person who you know having a child with would help the world rather then harm it. I have a 3-year old myself and I’m engaged and we vowed to show our son a loving relationship that will set the standard for his view on marriage and family later in life. Your post will make me work that much harder to do it.
God Andrea, you are so spot on. I am sure many women share similar feelings about holy MOTHERHOOD as you do, me included.
As a recently married woman, who comes from India, I am at the constant receiving end of judgment, every time I say “I am not sure, I ever want to be a mother.” I have been called a whole load of things from selfish, to unfeminine to immature. Or I am told that I will regret later as a woman is incomplete till she experiences being a “MOTHER” (I can almost see a halo around the word now, lol.)
What people don’t get is that it is/should be a PERSONAL decision. Many women are made to feel like they OWE it to the world, to create progeny.
Andrea, you talk about FORCED sterilization, I think the concept of FORCED MOTHERHOOD isn’t that far out either.
I am 28. I recently had a 22 year old sister ask me, “Don’t you ever wish for a baby to run around calling you Mommy? What is WRONG with you?”
I rest my case.
@Tiffany
I used to have someone on my staff who was in her late 30’s and was still very clear that she did not want children. “I just enjoy my lifestyle” was her response to all her friends having children and pushing her to “just have one” and so on. Hey, I have three and I’m sure it’s not for everyone. So congratulations on knowing what you want and what you don’t. We should all be so clear in our thinking.
I respect your opinion- you don’t want to have children- you have that choice. The statistics you cite say there is a 7 percent difference in happiness for people who don’t have children to people who do. If you only have 7%happiness in the first place, 7 is a lot, but if you have more than 50%, 7% really isn’t that much, and some are willing to make that sacrifice. My original point was- only you can make the choice to have kids- but don’t trivialize others’ experiences to justify yours. I truly believe your reasons not to have children are valid, just as my reasons for having children are valid as well.
Andrea, I think you have some interesting points here. I recently wrote about how I might not have children and I can understand the sentiment. I just got a puppy, and she is more than a handful for me right now, so I definitely can’t imagine having a kid and working and going to school.
I think every woman (and man) should question why she wants kids. For a long time I didn’t question whether I wanted them or not - I just assumed I would have them because everyone does. But raising kids is hard, a huge time commitment, and will add to the ever-growing population problem.
After seriously considering the question, if you decide not to have kids, more power to you. If you still want to have kids then you are probably doing it for better reasons than “everyone does it.”
Thanks again!
I’ve been married 3 years and people are asking me when I’m going to start a family and telling me that it’s best if I do so before I hit 30. Personally, I believe you shouldn’t have a child on a whim and it’s important that you bring them up well. I don’t want to be in a situation where I regret my decision of having a child and release that on the child. Until I got important areas in my life settled, I’m not going to have a child.
Lee,
It’s sounds like you’ve given the topic some thought. It’s not really an issue that should be influenced by peer pressure.
People with children often like to say that having will children will change your life and make you live for someone else instead of for yourself. That’s all the more reason for me not to have children. I want to keep my life about myself, thank you very much! My goals are to work less and to have plenty of money so that I can work even less. Adding the responsibilities and expense of children is not the way to achieve my goals.
We are all here for only a short time. In that time, I want to live fully. Having a family has opened me up to so much spiritual, emotional, psychological and personal growth as I journey along in the process of nurturing my children. It is a kind of human expansion of the mind that my career didn’t really give me. Maybe I just didn’t have the right career, I suppose.
When I meet older couples who never had any children, there seems to be a certain “lack” in their spirit. That’s not to say that they are bad people, or they haven’t had fun lives, or there is something wrong with them. I just sense that they have missed out on a profound opportunity to experience humanity in the most real way possible, by stretching yourself to grow as a parent. Nothing compares to it, really. Especially not getting a puppy.
I have two kids, but don’t want a puppy! At least if you have children, they take care of their own poop after a couple of years! You’ll be dealing with dog poop as long as you have the dog! ick.
And by the way, your stats on divorce rates are a little off, I think. For college educated women who marry over the age of 25, I believe the divorce rate is around 20%.
And for what it’s worth, I had decided when I was 25 that I was NEVER going to have children. EVER. Then, I met a man who, to this day, makes my heart skip a beat when he enters the room. I realized that what I didn’t want was to be drained of my energy and to give more than I had (which was how I perceived parenting to be). But if you are lucky enough to find the right person and create the right situation for yourselves, a family becomes a place of shared warmth, security, growth and frankly, a lot of fun.
Good luck to you.
madhu:
i like this quote
“Biological possibility and desire are not the same as biological need. Women have childbearing equipment. For them to choose not to use the equipment is no more blocking what is instinctive than it is for a man who, muscles or no, chooses not to be a weightlifter.”
-Betty Rollin
Weightlifting doesn’t serve a purpose though.
“The world population is growing to a capacity that the planet will not be able to sustain continued exponential growth…”
So what was your parents’ excuse?
Jonathan,
I think my mom just wanted someone to love her.
That’s sad.
But I suppose if that’s how you think about your own mother, it’s no wonder you don’t want to become a parent. I probably wouldn’t want to either if that’s the kind of parenting I was raised with. Of course, all parents make mistakes… being human and all.
Amy,
My parents did the best they could given their circumstances. . . I just want to find my meaning in other arenas of life.
Bravo, Andrea…I really enjoyed your article. I’ve struggled with the decision to have children for a long time, and have found the following books very helpful:
Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children, by Jeanne Safer
The Mask of Motherhood, by Susan Maushart
I’m Okay, You’re a Brat!: Setting the Priorities Straight and Freeing You From the Guilt and Mad Myths of Parenthood, by Susan Jeffers
Frankly, the cult of parenthood drives me bonkers (always has) and it’s refreshing to hear the truth about how much parenting can suck. When my husband and I do decide to have a baby someday, I know that we’ll be going into it with both eyes open! (In another life, I’d be childfree, but the love of my life wants to be a dad, so there you go…)