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I read an article on Brazen Careerist this morning about quarter-life crises and left a comment so lengthy, I figured it might as well be a blog entry.
I'm not sure I believe in "quarter life crises." I do think that (more than perhaps before) our generation is having a hard time with the transition to true adulthood. I know I thought I had arrived at adulthood when I was living with a long-time boyfriend in my own apartment with a great job at 23. I was wearing suits and holding conference calls and grocery shopping for two. I was playing "life," but I wasn't really doing it. I was still thinking and acting immaturely. I was 25 when my "crisis" began, a painful period of realization, deconstruction and transformation. It took a year, but I finally grew up. So, here's the comment I left:
My own "quarter life crisis" happened right on time - 25. For me, it was spurred on by the realization that I was an alcoholic and needed help. Everything else changed, too, though. I was laid off, my boyfriend and I broke up, I moved out of our townhouse, and my car blew up... within a month.
Now that's extreme, but I've found with my friends also that these crises have a pattern: malaise/a feeling of inertia preceding a life-impacting event followed by a period of transformation. Having gone through that extreme example before most of my friends hit their crisis stage, I've sort of counseled a few of them through it.
Here's what I've found: We've had a prolonged adolescence. Despite paying my way through college and living on my own, I still have an "emergency card" that my mom pays. I used this for about a year when I ran out of money before my next pay period. For some reason, this life-changing event (whether it's getting sober or finally moving out of your parents' house or breaking up with your significant other) sparks a period of transformation. We begin to finally replace the ideas we questioned in college with ideas of our own. We start to make bold decisions on our own. We take proverbial leaps of faith in our lives. In short, we mature.
That's all a quarter-life crisis is - a painful period of maturation. I don't know about you, but nobody told me it would be so difficult. It's been like tearing down a house little by little until all your left with it the frame. Then there's a period of reconstruction. If you are painstaking in this period of your life, it will serve you well down the line.
My own "crisis" lasted about a year. I feel as if I'm just coming out of it. I learned so much, about life and about myself. My advice is not to just try to glean over it. Examine it, spend time on it. Tear down your house, imagine the perfect mature version of yourself and then do the actions. That's the hardest part - the mundane crap, like paying the bills on schedule, schlepping out of bed at 6 am to get to work on time, and skipping happy hour to go for a run. That's real life. That's what we have such a hard time adjusting to.
We're all just growing up. Finally.
@Ian: I love the Authors@Google talks! Another reason I wish I worked at a cool company.
I'm no expert, but it sounds like you might be on the cusp of your crisis. I noticed with myself and with my friends that there's a period of discomfort marked by a sort impatience that came before my crisis. Or, perhaps this is your crisis - some people have an easier time transitioning than others. I don't think it has to be a dramatic upheaval. Heidegger said that becoming authentic wouldn't necessarily mean that your whole life would change. You could still be a clerk, but you would still be authentic if you had examined that choice and chosen it all over again. Always be chosing your choices.
@Norcross: I think you're right! My mom had a 4-year-old and a 9-year-old at my age. My folks were just trying to pay the rent every month. In that light, we're lucky to be given so much time to grow up and examine our lives before we wait 20 years to decide we married the wrong person, chose the wrong career, etc. I watched my mom go through that question period (What the heck am I doing with my life?) - she got divorced, moved to a different state, got a new job, got another new job, got remarried, got another job in a completely different field. I guess her crisis was delayed.
Maybe that's it - our parents' never got their quarter-life crisis, so they have them at midlife?
@Bart: I do think it has something to do with being told we can do anything. Except that I still believe I can do anything - that my problem. I want to do so many things. I often tell my BF that I need at least one more life, so I can do all the things I want to do.
I read an article yesterday in Business Week about finding the right fit in a company or career using personality tests, and by understanding what a person's strengths are. I'm not sure I know what my strengths are yet, and thus, I don't know where I fit and excel.
I ran into an old boss the other day, and I mentioned to him that I was bored because I had learned everything at my job already. He said, That's what a job is, Holly. You do it over and over again. I told this to a cross-generational HR consultant and she said, No, that's what a job used to be. I hope she's right.
And, yes, I totally support reposting comments as blog entries! I spend more time commenting than I do blogging. ;)
Good post, Holly.
I agree that it's mostly about growing up. I thought I was mature at 21, and I was in many ways, but as far as the "real world" of careers went, I knew next to nothing.
It seems like most of my friends and relatives around our age are never quite positive what they really want to do. Some really get into something when they're young, they love it, and they just keep going.
But most of us have a hard time finding the "right" thing for us, only committing to certain career paths for a year or two, unsure of whether we'll want to stick with it or not.
"What are you up to these days? Still at XYZ Company?"
"Yeah. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, but it's okay for now. We'll see. I'm thinking about going back to school."
"Really? What do you want to study?"
"That's a great question."
I think our indecision stems from two main things:
1 - Being told we CAN find the job of our dreams in today's market and seeing people that have been crazy successful for pursuing their dreams.
2 - Going to school all of our lives without being exposed to many "real life" careers, and not really understanding what we'd best excel at and enjoy.
Like you, this is a topic I should probably just be writing a whole post about. :)
I've seen the phrase numerous times, and I've wondered about it myself. I bottomed out at 23, having lived a lifetime's worth of destruction before that time. However, it was about 2 years before I was really 'flying solo'. I think for many of us, we're taking our time transitioning into adulthood, which is different than our parents.
Take mine for example. They were 21 when my brother was born, 25 for my sister, and 30 for me. They frankly didn't have the time or energy to worry about 'life crisis' things, because they were too busy raising a family. As we all left and life slowed down, they finally were able to look at their own lives and make decisions accordingly.
Many older people (esp. men, given the previous generation's emphasis on the male idea of the 'breadwinner'), come to the realizations later than we do, but it's still the same burning idea.
What the heck am I doing with my life?
Oops, I posted the wrong talk.
I was think of this one with Bess Vanrenen
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yx4y9epTza8
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@Holly: You are right, I'm probably on the verge of one. I had the sudden urge to backpack through europe 4 month back and then my contract got extended.
I came accross this term 1-year ago, from this video on Authors@Google & immediately related to it.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAAkVJjAMTc
It describes what you said + the condition where gen Y was told they can do anything & found out that's not true.
Even though I never fully have one, bits & pieces of it show up from time to time.
1. Realizing in my last year of studying computer science that I don't want to a career in programming
2. Months & months of job hunt with no results
3. Getting stuck in a career & job
4. Not even close to live to my potential
5. Just seeing time pass-by (from months into years)
I don't know if this is prolonging version of a Quarter life crisis
or not.
Maybe is not unique to Gen Ys, we are less patient about somethings + we gave it a name.
Hi Holly,
I love your quote about imagining a perfect mature self and then doing the little things it takes to get there. I've been imagining that self since the early days of college, that's the easy part. But doing the little things to get to that point is damn near impossible, until you are totally ready to do it. I was finally ready about a year ago, and I'm still working on the little things. Slowly but surely...
Never had a quarter life crisis. On my 18th birthday, I got drafted and sent to Vietnam, along with 4 of my friends. I was the only one to return on my 19th birthday. Living the horrors, inanity, boredom and comedy that is life in a combat zone doesn't allow you the luxury of having a crisis that doesn't involve immediate life or death situations. You learn teamwork, what matters most, and maturity very quickly, because the price of not learning quickly is a body bag and a telegram with the Secretary's regrets to your parents.
I suspect this hasn't changed for any of the soldiers who graduated high school, enlisted and went directly to Iraq or Afghanistan after advanced training.
My bright idea of the day - Follow Up. So incredibly important to the development of yourself, your project, your ambitions, your ideas. Without doubling back, checking in, building on your work, nothing will really get accomplished. More...
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