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Last week I wrote a post entitled ‘Does getting married serve any purpose these days?’ With 70 + comments (and counting) from people either for or against marriage, it is truly fascinating to read all of the view points. This post generated a lot of buzz and rightfully so.After all, relationships are what life is about. As Adriana says, “the best things in life are free but not many people realize that.”
Ironically, I never said whether I was for or against marriage. But I certainly don’t believe ‘it’s something you just do’ is a good enough reason. And as one reader said, “I do however think that it’s not a decision to make lightly. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and choose your partner out of love and respect, rather than convenience and security.”
Unfortunately, I think many people do just that. “Wow, we’re 30 years old, we’re dating…I guess we need to get married now…”
A lot of people (for marriage) kept saying ‘marriage is the ultimate commitment.’ It’s something you want to do for the other person because you love them so much.
I understand. I get it. But how do you know when you find the person?
Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? (I have to laugh because as I write this I feel like Carrie but it’s something I’m obviously intrigued by.)
I’m going to assume most people’s idealistic definition of a soulmate is that there is one person on this Earth that is meant for them. I’d love to think so.
Unfortunately, right off the bat, I’m going to have to disagree and here’s why:
I’m going to assume anyone that’s been in an ‘exclusive relationship’ with someone that’s no longer in the same relationship was really into it at one point. Even if it was just for a few months or weeks (or maybe even days) of being totally into that person. And even if the rest of the relationship was you tying to convince yourself that you were. Let’s face it - at one point you were very much into that person. Or why bother?
Or, what if you met the person of your dreams? Your…’soulmate’? It was lust at first sight. (How can there be such a thing as love at first site anyway? It would only be your mind convincing yourself that you loved that person, no?)
But eventually they broke your heart.
I don’t think we should ever regret anything in our lives that has made us happy - at one point.
But we’ve all heard people when reflecting back on a break up, that they were initially distraught over, years later say, “That was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Again, your brilliant mind playing tricks on you – and rationalizing.
But thing is, it really may have been the best thing that ever happened to them. In their dark days they learned a heck a lot about themselves. But you can only get hurt by people who mean a great deal to you.
But then why do people always say, “How I dated that person is beyond me, what was I thinking?” Again, your mind partly rationalizing.
In reality, the only people who can truly believe in soulmates are those that truly believe they found their soulmates. But can’t that just be your mind convincing yourself that you did?
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Comments
06.09.08
A long time ago I saw a little-known movie called 'Fandango'. It starred some relative unknowns at the time: Kevin Costner and Judd Nelson.
In the movie, Kevin's and Judd's characters have this conversation:
"Have you ever been in love?"
"I don't know"
"Sure you have. If you ever thought you were in love, then you were."
Love is something for which there is no objective reality. It's all up to you. If you think you are in love, then you are. If you think someone is your soulmate, then they are.
That's the wonderful, maddening, confusing, frustrating, frightening, and amazing reality of love.
06.09.08
Yes, there are soulmates - and maybe even more than one per customer. You need to distinguish between those who are deep friends who can share the world with you unfiltered, who "get" you at the most fundamental level without explanation - vs. those who can do all that and be your lover too.
I am married to my soulmate (23 years). We met and married within 4 months, have produced two wonderful children, and are looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. That being said, we both have other soulmates who enrich our lives through their friendship, loyalty and commitment.
06.10.08
I don't think there's just one person out there for everyone. I think if you're approaching this as if you have to find the exact right person, you're never going to be sure. That's why marriage takes work. And that's why some fail. When you get married, you're basically taking a leap of faith with one other person and saying "we're as good as it gets together." For some people, maybe they didn't look long enough and got married to someone where it wasn't as good as it gets. For others, they luck out and find someone where it is.
The tone of your post suggests you're asking, just how can you be so sure they found the right person - the answer is, you really can't. And that's why the game doesn't end once you exchange vows, you really do have to work together. Finding a "soulmate" isn't some magic key to a good marriage. I like to think of a soulmate as someone who shares the same values and has the same goals as me - someone I can be a partner with in life. Could there be multiple people out there that would fit that bill? Sure.
You do bring up some good points about people who get married for the wrong reasons. But that doesn't mean that's why you have to get married, or that that's how the majority approach marriage. Understand that everyone has different reasons and motivations for getting married. The goal is to find someone whose reasons and motivations are in line with yours and try your hardest to make it work.
02.13.09
Of course there is a soulmate. People who don't believe are ones who will never find theirs. I know my soulmate is out there waiting for me. I Can feel him every day , he is drawing near to me. I have almost given up hope, but I know he is near. I am waiting. Only those who have the spirit and conviction know that this is true. You will know when your soulmate arrives. You will feel complete. Many have tried to capture me but to no avail.
02.14.09
I don't believe in a single soulmate. Different people may be right for you at different times in your life. The "soulmate" is the one who will grow with you, rather than in a different direction. If both of you naturally seek and embrace the same (generally) path, you may be soulmates.
But I don't think there's only one person for each of us. The world is just too big. The odds are that you'll never find only one person.
The answer, therefore, is pretty much the same as the answer to this question: If I'd gone to a different college, would I have no friends?
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