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I think marriage is just a contract. There are exciting parts of the deal and not so exciting parts of the deal. But ultimately, I think marriage is something people just do. It just happens. Like becoming a cog in a wheel.
Lately, I feel like people left and right are getting married or engaged. In fact, one of my boys (and old roommate) recently got engaged. Congrats again bro.
But is marriage a natural thing?
Are we supposed to be with the same person for the rest of our lives?
The divorce rates are alarming. 50% is the latest number. 1 out of 2 couples are going to wind up marrying their ex-husband/wife. That’s insane and divorce is certainly not something to be taken lightly; especially with kids.
My parents got separated when I was 4 years old and divorced soon after that. I remember being the only kid in my elementary school with divorced parents. But then as I got older it seemed like more and more parents were getting divorced and I was no longer in the minority.
So what is the point of marriage if 1 out of 2 happy couples are choosing to ruin their perfectly good relationship?
Let’s explore:
Social - security: Meaning whenever you’re bored, you always have something to do. But what happens if you’re never bored?
Financial - security: If you marry someone who will be rich, or is rich, or both, you will certainly be rich. A lot of people will do crazy things for money, unfortunately. But what if you have your own money?
Caring - security: You have someone who will do anything in the world for you. Nice. But there are plenty of single people who have friends/family who will do anything in the world for them too and plenty of married people who don’t.
Sexual - security: You always have someone to be intimate with that you hopefully truly care about. That’s cool. Not much I can say about that, however, there are plenty of single people who don’t have to worry about that. And there are plenty of married people who still do.
Children: I’m starting to believe that there is no reason for ‘marriage’ unless you are going to have children together. What’s the difference between a non-married couple living together and a married couple living together?
Nothing! My sister and bro-in-law lived together before they got married. Nothing changed…except my sister’s last name.
So what does marrying someone actually do? Some might argue that it provides security. You always have someone and they just can’t pick up and leave.
Here’s my counter. The type of person that’s living with their significant other and is willing to move out of your apartment and start all over again…is definitely the same type of person who’d divorce you. And why the heck would you want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with you anyway?
I think marriage is just a contract. Like any contract there are pros and cons. There are exciting parts of the deal and not so exciting parts of the deal.
And ultimately, I think marriage is something people just do. It just happens. Like becoming a cog in a wheel.
Except in a nice way.
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127 RESPONSES TO "ENGAGED? WHY? DOES GETTING MARRIED SERVE ANY PURPOSE THESE DAYS?"
I'm in the same boat with Kristina and Kate. My husband and I got married on a snowy day in February a couple years ago after an 8 year courtship. Our reasons were legal and very practical ones:
1. one health insurance bill and one car insurance bill
2. to ensure we could visit each other if one was hospitalized
3. to make each other our legal next of kin (he has adult kids that aren't necessarily fond of me)
_______________________
For us, marriage was the legal protection we needed. We already enjoyed a healthy, loving, committed relationship - we just needed the legal piece in place to ensure we could take care of each other, even after death.
I think marriage means different things to different people and it also means different things at different stages in your life.
There are plenty of arguments that can be made for NOT getting married; we made them nearly daily for eight years. We discussed the pros and cons. We consulted an attorney about the pros and cons. We talked with therapists. A friend pointed out that I'd already made the ultimate commitment - I had his signature tattoo'd on my back. So why not put the icing on the cake? And it was a great excuse for having a really nice party in the middle of winter, too.
Actually, I don't even think kids are a valid reason for marriage. There may be pressure from society to get married if you have children, but it seems to me to be a perceived need, not a real need.
I am 46, have two kids (19 and 14) without hang ups and dependencies or other ills of society and I only got married to their father when I was 40. This was because we moved to a country where he needed a visa to stay and the only way was to get married. The marriage lasted two years (after many years of cohabitation) and then we separated. We haven't bothered getting a legal divorce yet, but we feel divorced, although friends.
I live in the Seychelles, where most people cohabitate, so it's quite common. Switzerland is not a problem for kids if their parents are not legally married either, as I know most of Europe isn't these days. Certainly, my kid didn't suffer from any social stigma.
I would say, it largely depends on where you live, if it is a problem for the kids. But again, it would be the pressure from society and not the fact of non-marriage that would be a problem for kids.
I don't even believe that kids need two parents. There are all kinds of different families in various societies and the kids grow up healthily. It's more about love and communication than following the norms of the society one happens to be living in.
Adam, in your post, you suggest that marrying is unnecessary. You say "congrats bro", but then you kind of diss him by asking the question whether the marriage is natural and whether we are meant to be with the same person for the rest of our lives. Then you list the reasons why people would marry and you dismiss each an every one of them. Then you conclude that marriage is just a contract, people do it just because. That comes off as if you are against marriage.
Maybe the problem is in how your post is written? Otherwise people would not post so much trying to demonstrate to you why marriage is good, why they married, why your list of reasons is incomple, why you sound so cynical.
Wow Adam, your response is really weird. I was just trying to share my feelings.
Calm down.
With the times changing, marriage is no longer always necessary to gain financial stability, have a life long friend, etc., etc., even though all those "perks" are pretty nice once you marry.
People usually move in together to see if they are a good fit. Marriage comes at a different point in life when both parties have found out that they are a good fit.
Say, a couple in love moved in together to see if they are meant to be. After living together for a while, they find out that they are. Your question then is "why go through the paper signing?"
Why not? (if you don't mind me asking). While there is a 50/50 chance of divorcing, there is, I bet, a far greater chance of moving out. Why then move in? There are a lot more relationships falling apart then marriages. Why date then?
This debate has been going on ever since the idea of marriage came along. None of your arguements are new. And the answer to this question is a personal one, not one that will fit or encompass every point of view.
Why get married? I guess part of me is still a romantic sap. I really meant my promise "to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do we part." Most of it is personal,social and legal. When I got married, it was a visable, legal and personal sign that I was committing my life and myself to this person. That we were tying our fortunes and fates together with legal, social, emotional and spiritual bonds that had significant status to us.
Why do this? Because the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connection that I share with my wife is the most significant one I have ever had. It formalized us as a team in a way no other kind of committment could. Through the years, we've fought with and for each other, boosted and supported each other, consoled and chewed out each other, as well as laughing, crying, raging, and consuming mass quantities of chocolate together. We've battled through triumph, tragedy, comedy and drama together.
And I can point to her proudly, and say "This is my wife, who is often my better half." Quaint, isn't it? But marriage has stood the test of time, and I can't think of anything better to replace it.
To quote Sarek of Vulcan, when Spock asked why he married his human mother, Sarek simply replied, "It was the logical thing to do."
@Milena - With all do respect what makes your relationship so different from everyone else's?
You know how many millions of men swear to love their girls forever? And how many millions of those same men wind up falling for someone else.
Of course, you're going to defend marriage because that's your life. I don't blame you.
That's like asking me to defend why being an entrepreneur and running MyBodyTutor is the greatest thing ever.
That's why so many unhappy people stay married in unhappy relationships. Their whole life; their entire existence would be false otherwise.
As human beings we rationalize every single thing we do. We have to. The world would be impossible to navigate otherwise...
I'm no expert as I only recently became engaged. I only read a few of the responses. I could go on all day to each of your points, but I will stay in the confines of careers; so Anna does not fret once more ;->.
If your career is important to you, then you have to grow. The 20s are largely spent soaking up real-world knowledge. This is a vital aspect to your development and could be hindered by a marriage. It's important that she (in my case) understands my goals and objectives for my career. I haven't always found that in other women, so I never conjured up dreams of being with them. This one largely shares the same value sets that I do in regards to career.
However, it doesn't have to be career. For one person, it might be religion or for another it may be their favorite college football team.
Communicate well...focus on the person not the timing.
I wrote a post a while back on exactly why marriage is a good idea. Read it if you want.
It is crazy to devote your life to someone. That's a given. But do it anyways - that's what makes life thrilling and worth living. At least I think so. I'll speak for myself: I did not know the meaning of love until I had a ring on my finger. It's not the ring, it's the committment. I'm staring at a man who is swearing to love me forever in front of everyone we know, and I do the same for him. Incredible.
If you ask me, marriage it cannot possibly have anything to do with the above-referenced tax benefits and such; because if it does, its a sham, and then I see every reason for divorce. Then I'd think that person wasn't deserving to be married.
@Anna - Actually, you're wrong. I hate cowards. And I wish you didn't assume I was one.
I'm actually not in a 'relationship' and if I was in one and my girlfriend was pushing for marriage I certainly wouldn't be cowardly enough to drive a point home via my blog.
Also, in my post I never said whether I'm for or against marriage. In fact, I'm a hopeless romantic and all I was hoping to do was make people think. Clearly, my hopes came true.
My main question - like the title says, is does getting married serve any purpose these days.
And all anyone has basically said in my opinion is unconditional love which is nice.
However, that's not enough, as every one always has the best of intentions, i.e., Holly.
Per Holly, 88% of people believe their relationship will last forever. However, only 50% of relationships last.
To me it seems like the reason everyone gets married is just because everyone gets married. Pretty sad.
And if 50% of marriages fail, then does getting married serve any purpose these days besides being an institution for children and religious reasons?
6 or 8 months ago I wrote a post about how young leaders shouldn't get married because it'll destroy all their idealistic world-changing dreams. I don't regret writing it, but boy did I get some grief. Chuck knows what I'm talking about. :)
For anyone who's married, this is a sensitive subject. When you commit yourself to something with all of your heart of course you're going to get pissed off when somebody tells you it's a bunch of BS. But at the same time, if you believe in something that deeply, other people's opinions shouldn't matter anyway.
I'm totally not ready for marriage for a lot of reasons that Adam points out. I doubt I'll feel that way forever, but for now, I'm questioning the point of it all too.
If that makes me an ass, so be it. But I say to each his own. Nice post Adam, thanks for making us all think.
@Jason - very interesting thought experiment.
@Adam Gilbert --
Very, very good point you make there, and yes, it is what we do now.
For me, marriage is a way to make all those feeling public - and validated by society. And yeah, in total non-Gen Y fashion, I do need that validation....plus promising commitment in a legally binding way is a gift I want to give - and receive. I can certainly see how for other couples, NOT asking for marriage is equally as generous. To each their own...:)
Cohabitation is an agreement between two people with very little at stake. Marriage is a social agreement with several stakeholders and plenty at stake. The mutual risk to all parties under marriage encourages selfless behavior, forgiveness, and long-term thinking.
Thought experiment:
Lose your job, undergo crisis of spirit, battle alcoholism.
1. Where's your live-in girlfriend? What are her friends and family advising her to do?
2. Where's your wife? What are her friends and family advising her to do?
This is a bit specious, but I think it illustrates an aspect of marriage that you're undervaluing.
Jason - Very interesting. I think in 1 she'd bail. In 2 she'd be 'forced' to work through it.
Again, to my point, and your point, I believe, why should any of us ever have to feel like we 'have' to stay in a relationship because the barriers to exit are much greater.
@Anne - Why do you need to be married to do all of those things? You can still love and cherish someone and think they are the only one for you and respect them with all of your heart and soul. No?
Isn't that what you do right now?
I'm not married, but my b/f and I are planning to get there - despite coming out of an Army culture (he was enlisted for 3 years) that has one of the most screwy takes on marriage -- affairs abound, spousal abuse and violence is much higher, and the stress of deployments set up couples to fail...
But despite all that, we're getting married - because when he looks at me he thinks, "How could she ever be anything but mine?" and when I see him, I know, "How could he ever be anything but mine?". His character, his attitude, everything about him is so on-the-mark that it's illogical for me NOT to declare my respect for him, promise my love to him, and bless the world with more people like him.
@Monica - If I didn't want to read people's opinions I wouldn't have comments on my blog.
Just because someone states their opinion doesn't mean I have to agree with what is said.
Again, many of the comments are restating reasons that fit into one of the categories I wrote about above.
Gathering from some of the other comments so far it seems as though true love is just something you can't explain. It makes you do crazy things.
But I'm hoping someone can explain it really, really well.
How do you know you are truly in love with a person? How do you feel when you see that person? Does being truly in love make you realize you never were truly in love before (even though you may have thought you were)?
As a non-married person I have this idealistic view of marriage but I'm learning as I get older it's not just kisses, rainbows and butterflies.
Or is it?
I think - and this may sound a bit more pragmatic than I'd like it to - that there are social benefits that aren't financial that come from getting married.
And I'm not just talking about sex or security.
I recognize that there are some cases in which living together is just fine for people. I don't think psychologically, it could work for most people, just as marriage doesn't work for many people.
My concept of marriage is as a team. I like to think of it in particular as a two-person basketball team. The first thing marriage does is define the game: basketball. It says who's on the team, and it makes the priority the team win.
Two people living together in a relationship can have radically different priorities. One person can want to play baseball and the other basketball. One person may focus on scoring, and occasionally they'll get clobbered for not passing.
In a relationship that is about two individuals trying to live together, they may fortuitously occasionally agree about the game and the goal. But more often, they'll be close but a little bit off. Marriage is about deciding to work as a team, for the team win, and not for a personal priority.
This is why we see some relationships that have one person working and the other focusing on the social life - sometimes careers need teams. There's a lot of jobs where you can more up faster if you're married because there's an implication of support - even when both people are working. A team can do better at their two jobs than two people could individually.
I mean, there's love involved too, and all that good stuff about being with your best friend. But the thing that really separates it from living together is the team aspect - it just occurs more often in marriage.
It strikes me that not one person has mentioned the religious aspect.
I can't personally claim to be particularly religious, but some people still believe that marriage is a promise you make to God as well as to each other, and thus has special significance, greater that of cohabitation.
@ Tracy - Joe did
Adam, rent the movie "Little Miss Sunshine". Pay VERY CLOSE attention to EVERYTHING Alan Arkin's character (the grandfather) has to say. if you dont know what im referring to, we can discuss later after i finish my bench presses
Adam, honestly, I don't think you're going to get your answer. Because like I've said, and like I think some of the other married people have also tried to say, you're not going to "get" marriage until you're at that point in your life, if you choose to take that route. Good luck deciding if it's the right choice for you.
@Chuck - So you're saying all of this is for life? I got it. I get it. Makes sense.
But why can't you live with someone and be with someone 'for life' without getting married?
And here's my counter to the 'for life' argument:
The type of person that’s living with their significant other and is willing to move out of your apartment and start all over again…is definitely the same type of person who’d divorce you. And why the heck would you want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with you anyway?
Why would you want someone to stay with you just because they 'have to' because you're married?
@Jayson - Great point. But again, I think living with someone is just as much a barrier to exit as being married is.
It takes a certain type of person to end a relationship in either case. Most people will just settle.
"But this is for life" Chuck argues.
But who wants to settle for life???
I gave that my best effort in the above posts, and I'm not sure you've given it a close reading. The key words are "for life."
Statistics also dont include how many loveless marriages there are out there.
Im getting married as soon as i look out my window and see a pig flying. But best of luck to everyone who has already taken the plunge.
I've been married for almost a year now and I like to think of my marriage as "naked sleepover with my best friend".
But on a serious note, marriage is an opportunity to pick your own family, to choose who you identify as your own. In our pre-married lives, our families are the entities we are born or adopted into. We don't have much say on who we share genetics with.
I think why 50% of marriages fail is because so many of us have this idea that love should be like a Disney movie. In reality, love is an active choice - not a passive response.
Guys-
You are missing the point.
As Penelope basically said, marriage is basically an institution for children.
@Lance - My post is about the reasons people get married. Therefore, I'm naturally going to speak about the benefits. After all, it's for the benefits of marriage that people get married, no?
And besides religion, every other comment is about tax breaks and insurance which fall into the category of financial security. If you have your own money you don't need to worry about those things.
I'm not saying I'm for or against marriage. I'm just wondering what the point of getting married is besides some sort of security which I discussed above???
I think it just happens. It's something people do. But why???
As most of the comments do show, it is but a bureaucratic action. Even as a love contract it is paper oriented. Even as a contract its not really that binding.
It's not natural, it's expected.
Like Kate, I lived with my spouse for a number of years before finally tying the knot. Even the "ceremony" was a non-traditional courthouse deal, done on leap-day of all times just to express the absurdity of having to be official in this day and age. Neither of us believe that marriage is the "right" thing for everyone despite our parents old-fashioned ideas. And a word about marriage being a safe haven for children...well as most of us (statistically speaking) grew up in broken homes I would beg to differ. In fact if you find yourself in a situation where you are getting married just for the kid, think twice. The child will be just as well adjusted with two parents who love each other in separate households than two who stay together even though they hate each other. (And children Do know that is the deal.)
When my husband and I got married nothing changed in our household either, no name changes or changed expectations. In fact really, the only reason we made it official was for the health insurance!
Very interesting post and the comments are very entertaining!
@Former Cynic - Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
These comments are so interesting to read...
My husband and I were a couple for ten years before we got married. I think the fact that we stuck together for so long is a good predictor of our future together. We got married mostly for practical reasons: so he could pick up my prescriptions and I could have health benefits. And the tax rebates have been fantastic. Honestly, if MA recognized common law marriages, I think we might have just stayed the way we were. Nothing changed after the wedding; I didn't change my name, there was no sudden expectation that as the woman I would take care of all the housework, etc.
I guess this is a post to all who have, at some point, submitted their own perspective regarding the original question posed in this particular thread:
Marriage by definition is:
1.the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
2.the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock: a happy marriage.
3.the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of a man and woman to live as husband and wife, including the accompanying social festivities: to officiate at a marriage.
4.a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction: trial marriage; homosexual marriage.
5.any close or intimate association or union: the marriage of words and music in a hit song.
6.a formal agreement between two companies or enterprises to combine operations, resources, etc., for mutual benefit; merger.
7.a blending or matching of different elements or components: The new lipstick is a beautiful marriage of fragrance and texture.
8.Cards. a meld of the king and queen of a suit, as in pinochle. Compare ROYAL MARRIAGE.
9.a piece of antique furniture assembled from components of two or more authentic pieces.
10.Obsolete. the formal declaration or contract by which act a man and a woman join in wedlock.
I think we all understand what “marriage” is by definition, but like many other relatively simply words in our English language, it runs through a much deeper corridor through the social framework in our society.
I have personally been married twice, so I speak from a position of experience. Both of my marriages failed for different reasons. However, the failures contained common threads…lack of understand of the true meaning of “love” and the purpose of “marriage”. Clearly, for whatever reasons, marriage is simply not for everyone. Likewise, not everyone will spend eternity in the same place. We are all given choices on a daily basis. Walking with the Lord is very simple…drop dead to yourself and follow Christ. Although simple, it is one the most challenging journeys a person can embark on. You see, you are taking a leap of faith as to whether or nor this person called Jesus Christ ever existed. Moreover, even if he did, was he truly the son of The Most High (God)? Without this leap of faith you can not serve the Lord and quit frankly there is no purpose in marriage outside of the fact that it is a legally binding agreement in the eyes of the law.
Marriage does not come with any guarantees…in fact I submit that it is probably one of the biggest risks known to man. In the early days, marriages in early times were arranged by parents. The parents of the groom chose his wife-to-be. The groom’s parents paid a price for the bride. The groom then gave a gift to the bride as a pledge that he would someday fulfill his promise of marriage. At this point, the bride and groom were “espoused” or “engaged”. It is important to note that espousal was as binding as marriage is today. Any unfaithfulness on the part of the bride or groom was legally viewed as adultery. After a lengthy espousal, the bridegroom would go to the bride’s home to fetch her. The groom would then take her to his father’s house where the wedding feast would take place.
My point in all of this is to illustrate the significance of the “true” meaning of marriage. We (The True Church) are the bride and Jesus Christ is the bridegroom. We were chosen by the God to be wed to his son.
Today we choose our own wives, which is a gift in and of itself. If we view the man/woman we choose to marry in this light (see above) we are sure to hold sacred the true meaning of marriage.
With all of this said, I am cognizant of the fact that marriage is not for everyone, nor is Christianity. However, as Christians, we still pray for those whom don’t believe because all Christians were unbelievers at some point.
For those who regard marriage not simply as a union of two, but a three-way convenant between the man, the woman and a Higher Power, God, or whom/ whatever you preceive Him/Her to be - - marriage is very necessary - - anything else is sinful, abstract, meaningless, etc.
Spouses have more rights than significant others. Why do you think the homosexual community has lobbied so hard to legalize gay marriage? And it goes beyond tax benefits.
Hospitals have "family only" policies for certain cases. If something were to happen to your significant other, you would have no right to their assets, nor to determine anything related to power of attorney.
And so many more reasons that I won't get into.
Not to mention the website you linked regarding the divorce rate has conflicting information.
I think that in most cases, marriage is for the children -- to protect them. To make it more likely that they have two people instead of one involved in bringing them to adulthood.
But there's another thing, too. In many jobs, the demands are too high for someone to both run their business and their social life. So their spouse runs their social life. When there is a divoce, the spouse should get financial reward for having run the social life of someone so he/she could spend their energy earning money. A marriage protects the person focused on building a social life rather than a nest egg.
Penelope
I think it's funny that people talk about the "chance" of getting divorced. I mean, it's not like, I'm just driving along and whoops! I'm divorced! Like having a car accident or something.
Just like there's no chance of me waking up tomorrow with purple hair, but I could decide to dye my hair purple, take the requisite action and have purple hair.
I could decide to get divorced, go see a lawyer and get the process started. My husband and I discussed this at length BEFORE we married and agree: we won't get a divorce. Though I can't imagine it, the day may come when I don't like even looking at him across the table but we won't get a divorce.
I like the idea that we're in this just like the vows say. You might see it as forcing someone to be with you... we see it as following through on our commitment - for better or worse.
The commitment is the purpose unto itself. And when you find the right person it makes sense.
Perhaps one does not have to marry to experience some or many of the benefits of developing as a human being in a committed relationship. But marriage helps. I have had my 32nd wedding anniversary – and I get happier and more fortunate every year of the relationship. Being married helped us, me for sure, get through the tough spots that happen when the inevitable clashes occur. Working through the disagreements and frustrations teaches a lot about life; people who know me will tell you I have grown a lot over the years and certainly the challenges, the joys and rewards of marriage that have helped to bring it about. I am thankful for it.
Being married meant we became a part of something we had not been part of before. We became part of the community of married persons. Many married people we knew had some values in common with us and some openness and or willingness to grow not alone, but together, with someone we thought was special beyond anyone else. Of course, some committed (non-married and even same-gendered couples have been meaningful to us as well – but in the ebb and flow of life, such couples are fewer in our experience). We, as a community of married persons, have support for one another in a variety of places and ways; that support helps us to grow and to continue to learn what love is all about. Thirty-two years ago when I married I thought I knew what love was about; today, I know a lot more about it. Love is giving, and love gives back – not because it is supposed to, not because it is mechanistic or a deal or a contract, but because when you truly give in to love, you grow and you receive.
Could my spouse and I have gotten individually and jointly where we are without being married? Can I hold my breath for two minutes? The marriage helps, and to the point made by several posters above – there is much that you gain from marriage that you cannot know about until it happens for you. It does mean giving up some things, no doubt about it. A successful marriage cannot happen between two persons determined to have life their way. But life, as we get older we find out, is not our way. Life happens. Prepare for it and prepare for the best of it. For me, that preparation and enjoyment comes from love and marriage – it is a wonder of the universe. Did I say, I’m thankful for it?
Okay, well, I read just about all the posts until I got to "Hollywood" and they just seemed to long to read. Sorry.
Adam, it is interesting to see your transition in thought. While you have remained true to you initial article, there is one post that, to me, is quite revealing.
You wrote "Gathering from some of the other comments so far it seems as though true love is just something you can’t explain. It makes you do crazy things.
But I’m hoping someone can explain it really, really well.
How do you know you are truly in love with a person? How do you feel when you see that person? Does being truly in love make you realize you never were truly in love before (even though you may have thought you were)?
As a non-married person I have this idealistic view of marriage but I’m learning as I get older it’s not just kisses, rainbows and butterflies.
Or is it?"
Let me post a former answer that I think it is most significant by Milena Thomas:
"There is something bold and crazy about vowing your life to someone. But it’s equally bold and crazy to face life alone, so…unless you’ve experienced this, it’s hard to understand why people get married."
In attempt to go with this last post and to answer your questions posted above, in my humble opinion, you just know. As a former cynic/child of divorced parents/commitment phobic/wishing I would someday find love/hating and questioning marriage sort of woman, I can now say that I have reached that stage where I want to marry the love of my life.
And it is an experience that only you can answer. Everyone has their own hangups, life experiences, challenges, etc. that no matter how much you ask about marriage, no one can answer but you. If you want to do it, do it, if not don't. But don't sit there and question what is the point? Life is too short.
As Louise said above, many cultures all over the world value marriage. I currently live in Morocco where marriage is highly valued. Marriage marks the union of bringing together two families and publicly acknowledging love.
It is a symptom of the West to perceive the self over the community. We are too individualistic in the West and therefore don't recognize the privilege we have to choose to be common law or never married. In many developing countries, marriage is security, which you cannot get by being single. So having said that, I suppose that the beauty of marriage is something that is practiced all over the world regardless of culture, class, gender, etc. It is was ties us as the human race, in addition, to life, death, birth, children.
And when you have something like that existing where ever you go, one has to acknowledge its power. Sure, marriages fail, but people lose their jobs and no one questions the notion of a job.
Live simply. If it happens to you one day, go for it. Who cares if you divorce. Stop fearing rejection (another symptom of the West). A divorce is a divorce, and a commonlaw partner leaving you is just as hard. The bottom line is: your heart gets broken.
A wise best friend told me once (back when I was a jaded cynic):
"If you love hard, you are willing to hurt hard." And the hurt hard is nowhere near what you feel when you love hard. So go with the love part. Do the marriage if you feel it is right. If you don't, don't. But don't spend a large part of your time questioning the entity of marriage, when no matter what we all tell you, only you can find the answer.
Good luck!!
I married the man I love, after 7 years of dating, 4 years of co-habitating. It wasn't the natural progression of a relationship that aided our decision to marry...we honestly felt no compulsion to get us to the altar, much to our parents' chagrin. We made a spontaneous decision to marry, but one I am still thrilled with 6 years later.
But as a bonus to spending my days with my best friend, marriage conveys financial and legal rights. I get to use the insurance plan of my husband's company, which is crucial, given that I choose to work in the non-profit sector, where health benefits are both sparse and extraordinarily expensive. If I get sick, I know he's there to care for me and help make important decisions. We don't plan on having kids, but the partnership we gain in marriage is well worth any risk involved.
If you don't want to be with that one person forever, and aren't really, truly committed, then yes, marriage really is just a contract. It is more or less a business deal. Which is why most people get pre-nups now.
However, to the person that mentioned tax benefits...um do the math- and I am NO Mathematician but trust me, you get less tax benefit as a married couple come tax time. Its cheaper to co-habbitate. Unless, you are a married couple with children. Only THEN do you get "tax benefits".
@ Eve:
"Married Filing Jointly — You can choose Married Filing Jointly as your filing status if you're married and both you and your spouse agree to file a joint return. With a joint return:
* You report your combined income and deduct your combined allowable expenses.
* Your tax may be lower than your combined tax for the other filing statuses.
* You may qualify for tax benefits that would not apply if you filed separately."
Courtesy of H&R Block's website
I'm a newlywed so perhaps my voice won't have much clout, but I've got to be honest, marriage is fantastic. But it has to be the right person, and I think a lot of people settle before they find the right one or are not committed to the hard work of marriage, so they bolt.
Sure you mentioned a couple fringe benefits, but I concur w/ Jenn S. above you says you get to spend days with your best friend.
There is something bold and crazy about vowing your life to someone. But it's equally bold and crazy to face life alone, so...unless you've experienced this, it's hard to understand why people get married.
Your post is about the reasons people get married yet your post goes into more detail about the benefits of marriage than the reasoning behind it.
I love the extra rights, tax breaks, financial security and baby making ability that marriage gives you. But if one of those is your primary reason for getting married, it is no wonder that divorce rates are high. That alone doesn't sustain a relationship.
If you have a best friend, you are going to be committed to them and fulfill certain obligations. It is the same for a romantic relationship. For my wife and myself, we love each other and the ultimate commitment to each other is a lifetime one. Not because of benefits, duty or guilt but to us, it is the ultimate expression of commitment to each other. It was an action out of respect.
I would hope that most couples wouldn't radically transform after marriage. I think things completely changing after getting married is a warning sign that the relationship wasn't just about commitment, respect and love. I knew my wife was messy at home before we were married. I would be concerned if she suddenly changed to be a cleaning goddess. That isn't sustainable. While she has gotten better, the change has been organic (and mostly out of necessity).
Anyway, that's my view on it.
@ Eve, as someone who done our married taxes for three years with tax software, I have always tried both options (married but filing as single or married and filing jointly), and you never come ahead on filing as single. I would say only in rare circumstances would you see that filing separately be better.
I agree with Lance in that tax breaks, financial security and baby making abilities aren't the only ingredients to a marriage. If they were, then definitely expect a short lived marriage.
the alarming 50% divorce rate is because people get married for the wrong reasons. I totally agree that drastic changes shouldnt occur after marriage. if there was, then theres something wrong.
however fundamentals are very important in any relationship. moral and religious views i think are the cornerstone to any marriage.
Ive been blessed to have parents who just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. Grandparents knocked off 60 years of wedded bliss in 2005. Surely their doing something right.
Both couples said their marriages have had more pros than cons. Both stressed they never took their marriages for granted either.
When asked if they ever wanted to just walk away, my fathers response was, "hell yeah". but what kept him going were 2 very important things.
1. To be an example to his kids that the man is the head of the family and has the ultimate task of keeping it together.
2. the vows he said to his wife with God as his witness.
Bottom line is "Marriages are made in Heaven, but their maintenance is done here on earth"
Its never going to be a walk in the park. If it is, then theres something wrong with the marriage.
So what if the rate is 50%. who cares? it shouldnt stop anyone from thinking marriage isnt worth it. we create our own destiny in the same way we create the type of family we want.
sacrifice, understanding, trust. Three simple ingredients that go way beyond the financial perks of marriage.
Any sort of contract these days have a million clauses with people looking for loopholes. If we look at marriage as just another contract, then we have a reason to look for an out.
Instead lets look at it from the point of view that we're spending the rest of our lives with someone who isnt perfect, but who complements us.
Bryan Adams in one of his songs said, "when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, then you know you love a woman." If that isnt enough reason to get married or stay married, i dont know what else is.
"You are missing the point."
I think many would say the same to you, Adam. For many people, marriage is about the opportunity to lovingly serve one person for life, to place them above all others, to be faithful in mind and body to that person, and to share intimacy in all of its many forms in the process with that one person.
All of this, by the way, for better or for worse.
Marriage can be perhaps the most powerful of all platforms for practicing personal growth through daily, authentic selflessness. When you are that close to someone, it's hard to pretend and hide very well for very long. That's part of why so many marriages fail.
As you point out, you can piece together many of the benefits of marriage with extra-marital relationships, but the value of human relationships is often in the totality of shared experiences being unique.
You and your best friend may share an appreciation for women, beer, comedy, business, sports... but that you share ALL of those in common is what makes that relationship more meaningful than the sum of its parts.
If those things make sense and appeal to you, then that's a good reason to get married.
I'm not trying to convince anyone for or against marriage either, but I hope that provides something like an intelligent response to your question.
In the words of Kanye West, "if you ain't no punk, holla we want pre-nup!"
If I ever got married, I think it would be for two reasons:
1. Legal. See above regarding rights, taxes, etc.
2. Affirmation of commitment. I know most people don't respect marriage, but I do, and I would expect my partner to as well. IF I ever got married, it wouldn't be for the wedding... I imagine it would be a spur-of-the-moment, not legally-binding ceremony in India or Bali or something...
In the end, human optimism prevails. Otherwise, why would only 12% of newly married couples believe they might get divorced when faced with that 50% statistic? We all hope to fall to the positive side of the 50%.
@Chuck - What’s the difference between a non-married couple living together and a married couple living together?
Why do you need to be 'married' to do those things?
Who needs tax breaks? All you need is love. Making that vow in front of everyone is the ultimate expression of love, and that's reason enough for me.
I assume you intend "living together" to encompass much more than just living together since you're responding to what I described.
If you're exclusive to each other, sharing finances, committed for life, and in all other ways resemble a marriage other than having been officiated over by a judge or cleric and given a piece of paper, I suppose you don't need to be married to have the benefits I described above.
But in that case, you're talking about having a marriage without ever telling anyone. Not sure why you'd do that.
Why NOT get married in that case unless it was forbidden by law?
Good post, by the way. You are speaking for a lot of people of all ages with your question.
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?