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There’s something about magazines like Real Simple and TV shows like House Hunters that depresses me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but every time I attempt a sit on the couch post-work I am irritated by things like Everybody Loves Raymond. There’s a part of me that is suspicious that these forms of entertainment have been created to make us believe that not only are you content with your life, but you are enthusiastic about it, a subtle (or not-so-subtle, in my opinion) brainwashing of home-improving, toddler-yogaing, exasperated-but-happy-at-the-end-of-the-day, we’re-the-same-kind-of-unique status quo. Welcome to the new yuppiedom.
Maybe I’m just feeling particularly fed up with the new American dream this evening, as I sit in my underwear, toenails unpainted and unmanicured, eating Oreos with orange juice, wondering why I’m throwing 5 months of perfectly good conditioning down the drain. Maybe it’s that I’ve recently fallen in love and have caught myself twice already daydreaming into that magical land I call Not A Chance in Hell.
That place involves a relationship that can survive my apparent two-year statute of limitations with a guy who looks like a J. Crew model, a baby as cute and happy as the one that couple at the café has that will magically disappear when it needs to be fed/changed/burped or cries inexplicably, a house that requires little-to-no maintenance which of course we obtained at a steal, a thriving business that I built and doesn’t require me to be around all the time, and a Holly who does not feel overwhelmingly pinned-down and caged by it all.
Puh-shaw.
That’s when I turn off the TV. And call Real Simple to remind them, once again, that I unsubscribed two months ago. I fight off the sneaking suspicion that somehow, somewhere my father has bribed a Starbucks barista to spike my lattes with hormones. I have been told repeatedly that one day I will want all of these things. When I get a case of the I-just-want-to-be-upper-middle-class blues, I daydream another life.
In this life I usually am married, or in a long-term committed relationship. Yes, I am happy and content being single, but like many, I would like to have a companion through life. I think a character in Shall We Dance? sums it up best when she says people get married so that in a world of billions, one person says they will be the witness to your life. I agree with this.
At any rate, 90 percent of me says no to kids. This is mostly a financial decision in my mind. Yes, I know you can be financially well off and have kids also, but the majority of folks are not. Here are a few examples of childless couples who are financially better off than their peers (especially where it comes to retirement). And here’s an entire online community dedicated to couples who have chosen not to have kids for a variety of reasons. I take comfort knowing that I'm not the only one out there like me.
Mostly, though, this daydream life is about being able to do the things I am passionate about without any compromises or guilt feelings, such as diving tirelessly into my own businesses, having a partner who I still find sexually appealing, coming nowhere close to any variety of poop/snot/vomit, and traveling at will and on whim.
I have nightmare versions of both of my daydreams, too. There’s one that revolves around divorce, debt, failed parenthood and suburbia, and there’s one that mostly involves being alone for the rest of my life realizing at 47 that all I really ever wanted was a family. These things occur to me. It also occurs to me that none of these scenarios are realistic, and that in life we end up somewhere in the middle. The glory part is that I actually know that I will be happy whichever dream I pursue or end up with inadvertently (life has a way of surprising us). My happiness resides within me, whatever the exterior. In the meantime, no more HGTV for me. Or Oreos for that matter.
Ha ha ha. Biological clocks. Don't get me started. I'm recently married, and it's like flipping a freaking switch.
I used to think I would remain single (happily) and maybe even have kids on my own, but mostly leaned towards not...
As soon as my now-husband and I talked marriage, it was like something inside me melted. I was no longer afraid or annoyed by marriage and motherhood because I realized I was actually marrying someone worthy of procreating with (sorry).
I think your "clock" starts ticking when you meet the right person simply because your body tells you it's safe now.
Ugh. I completely agree. Everyone says my biological clock will chime in soon, but do we have to talk about it in the meantime as an inevitability? Thanks for the great post :)
Well, as someone who always wanted kids (no idea why), but never really thought I'd end up married, it's difficult to say what happens in that arena of life. My wife never liked kids, and never thought she'd want them. One day, *poof*, she want them. And she's a fantastic mother, something that even suprises her.
I'm having a bit of trouble with this blog. I applaud the honesty with which you express your opinions. But, I am offended by the implication that the majority of people who have children automatically find their partners unattractive, are financially unstable and unable to pursue their dreams. Yes-having children makes these things harder sometimes, and yes, you are sometimes snot/vomit/poop-covered. But for me, it's worth every moment. You can pursue your dream without making others' sound mundane and somehow less important than yours. That being said- pursue whatever you do with enthusiasm and dedication, and in the end you'll likely have something to show for it. In my case, it might not be a boatload of money, but it will be children who I am proud of. I truly hope you can be happy with whatever life brings your way.
Holly, really like the topics you write about. This one hit home with me becuase im currently going through a break up with a long time gf. And am starting to realize that happieness comes from within, rather than someone else(even though others can help). Its hard not to think about the "what if's" in life so you have to live and let live. And your rtght "life has a way of surprising us" thats the exciting part of it.
Being unabashedly childfree-by-choice, I have to say that I'm fairly indifferent towards the lives of those with kids. I'm not saying that it's a terrible, awful, stupid life, I'm saying it's a life I've opted out, and being satisfied with that choice, I don't have any angst that I'm not pushing a stroller, or having impromptu fingerpainting lessons. It's awesome that others want to do these things, but I'll pass.
So when I pick up Good Housekeeping, or stumble across a crop of mommy bloggers talking about the milestones in their child's lives, or (my personal favorite) the part of the movie where everything is perfect-happy-scrumptious between two people...
This blog hit me hard, Holly. Because about a year and a half ago, *I* said goodbye to a comfortable, committed relationship. We wanted different things - I wanted to pursue my career, travel, and live in a different city at the drop of a hat. He didn't want those things.
I guess the disconnect I'm having (the stress of my life) is the happiness I'm feeling...and this creeping fear that there's something wrong with me because I DON'T stress about childfree vs. parent, that I don't stress about wanting/needing/dating someone. Why am I so painfully uncaring about something that matters to so many people.
Oh yeah, and it's time to celebrate the big 21 this year. Woo.
@Chris: I'm glad that part of the post spoke to you! I tend to think of life as an adventure, and am willing to go in whatever direction it takes me. Break-ups can be tough, but somehow I always come out of them with a renewed sense of direction and self. I hope the same happens for you.
@norcross: Sometimes I feel like people are offended by my not wanting to have kids. I'm always heartened to hear about other women's experiences in that arena. I don't rule the possibility out. I've been told that one day I'll want kids. Like your wife, I would be surprised by turning out a good mother. The great thing is I don't have to worry about it today. I know my ideas will change.
@Kyle: Thank you for your comment. I certainly didn't intend to offend anybody. I have an exaggerated fear of married/family life, to be sure. I guess I meant for this post to showcase those fears. I also know that for people who choose family life, it is worth it. I just resent being spoonfed the notion that I should want it and that it should be worth it to me. I'm proud to live in a society where I have the freedom to choose my values and pursue them with enthusiasm.
@Rebecca: Maybe I'm just embracing my inner 20-something. Call me crazy. ;) It took a lot for me to give up single life for a committed relationship with an amazing man; don't ask me to embrace my biological clock until I'm at least 30!
GREAT post, Holly. And yes, there are lots of folks who, like you, are more than content with life sans children. And it's a good life. And yes, my husband and I travel more, have more free time, and get to spend some of it volunteering for organizations we really care about.
I don't need parents justifying how wonderful their children are/how worthwhile parenting is...I'm sure it is. I'm making a different choice, and I celebrate my friends who are great parents, just as much as I revel in my own choice to choose something different for myself.
I am not sure this post is really about having kids or not having kids. I think it's more about not believing that we're living in a TV sitcom. Things don't get solved in 30-60 minutes and life is what you make it. Things don't just get handed to you. It takes work and determination. At least that's what I read/got out of it. Great post!
I'm a crossover from the old EE and came across your post. This is EXACTLY what I've been feeling lately. There are these dual scenarios in my head - one where I'm living this cool, big city life (kind of like I am now, only significantly less broke/in debt) with a job that makes my friends envious and a lifestyle that allows me to try the latest bars and fancy gadgets with my girl friends. But that's probably just too many re-runs of Sex and the City talking.
Then there's this other vision of running as far away from the city as possible (but still within driving distance) back to the suburbs/country and living simply, someday even wearing Mom-jeans carting my kids and their friends to practices and events. Then I try to decide which is right, panic, and just keep bouncing back and forth.
Ending up in front of the TV (Bravo, HGTV, I'm sure you know the deal) is usually an insufficient escape. Whoever made it sound like there was a path (ahem, Robert Frost) that's just sitting there waiting for you, lied. So maybe for now we just keep heading to work, trying to get to the gym, and making little decisions each day as we bush-whack our way through life?
I made the decision to have children but I know that there is an alternative universe out there where I made the decision to be childfree and I'm just as happy - but in a different way! I think we can live our our values whether we have kids or not - values such as being nurturing and caring can be lived in a number of different ways. I'm so interested in the decision I started a childrenornot blog to look at the different aspects of the decision we make whether to have kids or not.
My other comment though is that steretypical TV images of moms vs. childfree lives don't really reflect the reality of our lives. You know, having kids, doesn't mean you have to totally give up on your life - your life will change, but you do (eventually after breastfeeding!) get to go out again, go to movies, meet friends, etc. So Danielle - you might find that if you decide to have kids, you find a happy medium between being a suburban mom and living a cool big city life!
@Jenn S.: Being able to use my time and resources to better the world is definitely another reason I may not have children. I ask myself, what is the best way to help as many people as possible? I feel like too many people use their kids as their 'contribution to society' and leave it at that.
@Rosie: You're right! My frustration is with painting either side in rose-colored hues. That's my problem with those forms of entertainment - that the right throw pillow will solve my stress problems.
@Danielle: Well, that's my method of dealing with it right now. I figure at 26 I don't need to know right now. I'm happy to live somewhere in the middle right now - I spend time with family (aunts, cousins, grandmother) and the BF, but also go dancing, hit the gym and splurge on pedicures. I'm upfront with the guys I date - I'm not sure I want kids. I'm not sure I don't, but I'm sure I do. Either way, I won't make arbitrary decisions based on what people around me think is 'right.' It's got to be right for me.
@Beth: Love the blog! Great collection of articles & advice. There is a part of me that daydreams something between - like having one child and dragging the poor thing across continents for a less-than-typical upbringing. It's awesome to hear a woman with kids being understanding of the decision not to. Kudos to you.
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