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We fear the pain of change like a child who first visits the Doctor’s office. He imagines he will be impaled Count Dracula style by a huge needle, rather than the barely perceptible sting when the nurse surprises him with a pin-prick.
We fear change in its anticipated, not actual, effects. Penelope Trunk has written of the importance of making a choice, any choice, whether or not we can muscle out an imaginary outcome.
In that spirit, I have embarked on a thirty day campaign, twittering my acts of courage. I could use some ideas by the way. However, I’m noticing something interesting every time I do something that requires courage. I don’t feel a thing.
No matter how drastic the act, no earth-shattering response follows, despite my hyped-up expectations. The last time I wrestled with a bout of change (and it was a while ago) I remember feeling a high.
In fact, I used to be a change junkie, flitting from one self improvement venture to the next. I used to be convinced the world was a better place with me in it, eating “I can change the world!” bullshit for breakfast. I feverishly read eastern and western religious and philosophical tomes, pop-psych favorites, attended seminars, top-notch schools, traveled and studied abroad, changed my hair, my clothes, my body, my relationships; mistaking such activities as substitutes for my own and everyone else’s, happiness.
Despite having access to all the opportunities to change in the world as an educated middle class white woman in America, I was miserable. Once I realized the changes I was making couldn’t satisfy me, I stopped. I stagnated. I melted into a pool of sameness and began to wallow in it.
Then last year, I got married and my father died, all within a 5 week time frame. You don’t need a PhD to know these events will change you, more accurately, break you.
Into a million pieces. Completely.
Put yourself back together. Again.
Learn how to truly change. Finally.
What I’ve learned:
You don’t need feelings for change. Your emotions are a highly inaccurate barometer for decision making and assessing the quality of your results.
You don’t need to have certainty or predictable outcomes. Even the best-laid plans must be malleable, to the point they may become unrecognizable.
You must be patient, and dare I say it, have faith. Making a change is the first, and easiest, step. Having the patience to withstand the time to fruition is a lifelong pursuit, and having faith that everything’s gonna be alright, well, that’s courage.
You can change too, start by doing something different, like subscribing to Shouting to Quiet the Thunder...
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Comments
05.22.08
Milena, I second all of this... and what timing! It is entirely true that the events/changes that will make you who you truly are will certainly break you apart. The process of putting the pieces back together is an interesting one, as you learn a hell of a lot about yourself and end up making even more changes!
A year and a half ago, I injured my knee and had to sideline a promising professional dancing career. In my rehab time I fell apart, and in putting the pieces together I ended up leaving dance and pursuing several different endeavors. Fast forward to now, and I am moving across the country in a week. It's incredible how these things emerge when your plans fall to the wayside.
The events which bring about these changes are in no way good, but they certainly have a way of working out. Thanks again!
05.22.08
@Victoria Gutierrez
I can't possibly understand the loss you experienced from your knee injury, but I feel I can relate on some level.
I studied voice in my undergrad and work as a professional vocalist part-time. I know what it feels like to know that my ability to sing and express myself through music is teetering on the tiny and fragile set of vocal cords in my throat.
I commend you on your courage and wish you the best on your journey!
05.22.08
Change does hurt. Just ask anyone living in a VA hospital.
05.23.08
@jrandom42
Your comment, though brief, brings up an excellent point and perhaps others felt similarly.
Let me clarify so you don’t mistake the point I was trying to share with my personal experience. I was attempting to convey that for someone like myself, whose experience of everyday life cannot compare with the struggles of someone, as you suggest, in a VA hospital - that change is not something to fear.
I would never insinuate that those who live at a disadvantage or are mistreated should be able to shrug off change or shouldn’t admit to the pain of change, particularly if it was not of their choosing.
I was hoping to illustrate that my struggles, for a large part were self-imposed until I was faced with a true struggle, my father's death. It was that experience that taught me what is really important and to appreciate change in a new way. It is not something to fear, but to embrace and cherish, particularly if one has the opportunity to do so.
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