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A 30,000 respondent survey completed by Cookie Magazine and AOL body found that one in three married American moms report past or current affairs and more than 3 in 4 women want more sex.
Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you.
Renowned relationship therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis recently noted in Psychology Today that not being “in the mood” is no longer a problem limited to women.
But “low desire in men is America’s best-kept secret,” she says, and estimates that it affects “at least 20 to 25%” of adult males. For women, the figure is thought to be much higher, somewhere between 40 and 50%.
Weiner-Davis points to workplace stresses combined with home responsibilities and criticism as reasons for stifled libidos across the board. Huffington Post bloggers Colleen Dealy and Taylor Baldwin cite the complexities of modern marriage as the core reason.
Let’s face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you’re married and you’ve got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don’t have anything to do with lust, or even love.
In an era of multi-tasking, adults find themselves increasingly overextended by work and personal commitments. At the office, work hours are up, and job security is down. At home finances are tenuous and children are often scheduled for as many activities as adults — play dates, sports, coaching, music lessons. Parents ferry kids to and from commitments while juggling their own.
As with the isolation of technology, an overscheduled life leaves little room for developing and strengthening interpersonal relationships. Given our throw away culture due to our conditioning to expect instant gratification, it’s no wonder couples are looking for sexual satisfaction outside the framework of a monogamous relationship. It’s much easier to play with a new model, than try to figure out what’s gone wrong with the current one.
In the long run, not taking the time to work on the depth of connection in more intimate relationships will only serve to weaken platonic connections as well.
Have any of my readers engaged in an affair? Were you out just to scratch an itch, or were you looking for more than sex?
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Comments
05.19.08
I don't think parents are as over-extended as you assume. It makes sense that you would think so, because until you are a parent you looking at parenting from your own experience, which is looking at YOUR parents.
As a Millennial, I assume you probably have Boomer parents. Boomer parents over-scheduled their kids and over-extended themselves. That was probably your experience. Xers have been searching for and achieving balance for years. And I would argue that Xers make up the majority of parents right now.
Xer parents are much more likely to limit their kids' activities and make more time for family stuff. However, no matter what generation or what era, parenting is just hard. Kids run around and get you tired.
So, are people getting laid less? Probably not. They are just admitting it more.
05.19.08
I can certainly relate to the issue of sex being loaded with a lot of baggage. However, I'm not sure cheating is the answer, although the numbers say that many don't agree.
For me, the root of the issue lies with what our (me and my wife) expectations are in the bedroom. It's very difficult for me to have the work / family mindset, focus on the business of running a household and a family, and then flip a switch and it be 'sexy time' after 10 pm.
05.19.08
You should tell the Ryans that their new title doesn't match up with your post.
I think relationships are hard, and I'm reminded of some movie (which one, I can't be sure) where one of the characters proclaims that they just need to believe that a couple can stay together forever, because examples like those are so rare. I wish that wasn't the case! Great post.
05.19.08
I agree with GenerationXpert.
We rebelled against over scheduled parenting. Let kids play and be kids. They still make you really tired, but part of your responsibility to your spouse is staying in communication, asking for what you want and not getting so wrapped up in other things that the most important things break down.
With respect, you sound like every other "expert" on marriage and kids that is neither married nor has kids.
The solution is not to forget fidelity (now or later) but to introspect, inventory, prioritize and evaluate.
Of course everyone would like a lot more sex, but part of being a grown up human is knowing how to control/deny/delay your animal instincts when they are not useful.
05.19.08
I agree with GenXpert. I don't think people are actually having less sex, they are just complaining about it more.
I do, however, think there will be a shift in the way our society feels about marriage.
05.19.08
GenXPert: I can only go by my observations of the parents I know. Maybe I've met a special subset of parents in the Gen X community.
David: I didn't pick the post title above. on my blog it's "fidelity, a thing of the past?" I'm not asserting that it's gone, just wondering where it went.
Single and kidless as charged.
05.19.08
Engaged here. Our relationship is good, though we've certainly noticed that one or the other of us is usually "not in the mood" when the other is.
Our standing solution is that when the other person isn't in the mood, they must be MADE to be in the mood.
It works 95% of the time. ;)
05.19.08
marriage is over, relationships are about growth, many partners are needed in one long life for this... and dont worry the kids will be fine ... love is love
05.19.08
@David Ress - Crap! There's a time where our animal instincts /aren't/ useful? Better to find out now rather than later... ;-)
Really, though, I think what David said is well said. Part of being an adult is learning adult like things. Prioritizing, and evaluating such priorities is part of that. Fundamentally, I'd think a lack of being able to do that would ultimately end up hurting all aspects of ones life.
Perhaps part of it is people being too afraid to say "No" when something isn't in line with a priority. "Yes" is a lot easier than "No" but often times can lead to a lot more difficulty.
05.19.08
Fidelity isn't gone. It's just being compromised by a culture obsessed with instant pleasure, moral relativism and distorted expectations.
There's a reason 1 out of every 2 marriages in the US end in divorce...
05.19.08
@Ben - I love it! Not currently in a LTR, but I'm storing that one away. Save your relationship plus creativity in the sack. Priceless.
05.19.08
Ben and his fiance can write the Cosmo-esque column for Brazen Careerist! Happy twentysomethings at work and home!
05.20.08
Is it just me or am I seeing more and more reasons not to have children?
05.20.08
Allison,
My list gets longer by the year.
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