End Your Workplace Romance Without Hurting Your Career

When people say office romances are disruptive to the workplace, most of the time they are not talking about the actual relationship, but about the break-up. Who hasn’t heard the horror stories? Ex couples arguing in the office, jilt-ees weeping at their desks. Better not to go there, common sense says.

Nonetheless, survey after survey has found that about half of us will, at some point in our careers, date someone we first met on the job. One in five of those dates will lead to a long-term relationship. That’s pretty good odds. If you went out on five dates with five people and one of them turned out to be your true love, you’d consider yourself lucky. On the other hand, there’s no getting around the fact that a four out of five failure rate is an eighty percent kill ratio.

But you don’t have to come to the end of an office romance wishing you were dead. As we discovered when we researched our book Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding and Managing Romance on the Job, there are a five simple steps you can take to ensure the end of an office affair doesn’t also mean the end of your career.

First, discuss the worse-case scenario at the beginning. Think of the conversation as the office romance equivalent of a pre-nup. If you met at your workplace, you’ve probably known each other for quite some time—you didn’t meet at a bar and have your first date on the spot. You’re friends and lovers; you can discuss how you will behave if you break up. Sample topics to discuss: Whether and how you will tell others in the office about the end of your merger, what you can or can’t divulge to fellow employees about each other’s personal histories and habits, and an absolute prohibition against recriminations in the office.

Second, do not put members of your office gang in the line of fire. Yes, you can mention your romantic relationship has ended—and you probably should if your partnership was common knowledge—but keep the discussion bare-bones. Don’t sob to your fellow supermarket clerks about the floor manager who has turned out to be a wretched slimeball. Do go over your former lover’s head and spill his secrets to a supervisor. And if your ex has an assistant or secretary, don’t try to extract any post-split insider information.

Third, no arguing or weeping in the office. Need we say why? You will look immature. You will look unprofessional. You will look like a mess. And your colleagues will be quite happy to listen in and swap details amongst themselves—for weeks, if not months or years. Good clean fun.

Fourth, remember that the only person whose behavior you can control is you. You can’t control your ex. That means you need to be unfailingly gracious and controlled, no matter what the provocation. You need to learn to channel your inner Miss Manners. Why acknowledge someone who is behaving badly? They don’t deserve your time or ire. You’re above it. If your ex gives you nasty looks in the elevator, smile like Mona Lisa. If he confronts you in the office, act as though someone is listening. Say, “I’m sorry, I’d rather not discuss this now. Is there a better time?”

Last, no email. Aside from the fact that any communication on a workplace computer or cell phone in the property of your employer, email is like a diamond: it lives forever. No paper trails. No begging to be taken back. No virtual arguments that go on for hours or days. Do you want your boss or human resources to read about the end of the affair? Remember: this is in your own best interests. Your office mate, you didn’t keep. Your job, you do get to keep. Go forth and succeed—both professionally and romantically.

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