Ever since I started at Brazen Careerist I’ve been obsessed with my MBTI type. Mostly because I couldn’t decide what I was - so I began researching each letter until I was sure.Now I’ve come to the conclusion. I’m an INTP, which is the least common personality type. Something like 1% of the population has it. Here’s where you find INTP’s: teaching at colleges. Researching. Making theoretical discoveries. They are the “absent-minded professors,” in their own worlds. Disconnected from relationships, preferring to figure things out on their own. And the successful INTP’s are mostly men, which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.
In other words, my personality type is the exact opposite personality of someone who society thinks would make a good wife and mother. No kidding. ESFJ is actually nicknamed the “housewife” personality type.
Here is what worries me about my personality type: I feel like I’ve caught this anti-wife, anti-mom disease. And naturally, I want to be a good wife and good mom, because society tells me I should.
So the first thing I did after discovering all this was write an article about how you can change your personality type. It never went to publish, because I knew I was wrong. As much as I want to be a mother, I won’t ever be obsessed with my kids, the way my parents were. I won’t ever have the desire to quit my job, or even cut back on my hours.
I’ve always known this about myself, and up until recently here was my plan to make it work: get a puppy. I would get a dog to practice taking care of someone before I had kids, so by the time I actually had kids I would be ready to give up more of myself. But after five days of waking up at 6am to a puppy licking my face, I’m even reconsidering that.
Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I don’t want to be a mother. Maybe I’ve been told my entire life that women get married, have kids, and clean their houses, and I’ve just assumed that’s the only acceptable path. Maybe it’s not, and I resent society for that stereotype, because I’ll never, ever fit it. Damn society.
Here’s my new plan for having kids: make my husband stay at home, or get a nanny if he doesn’t want to. Or not have kids, because the first two solutions make me feel very guilty (another side effect of societal views). Penelope wrote about stay-at-home-dads recently, and everyone, including me, hated it. Then I realized the reason I hated it is because it was about a guy cheating on his wife who provided all the money for him and their family. If the post was about a woman cheating on a man, I would say she was bored and taken for granted. Totally justifiable. But a guy cheating on his working wife makes my blood boil; because deep down I don’t respect a guy who does not financially provide for his family, then proverbially slaps his wife in the face by cheating on her.
Before you start hating me, know that these views make sense, given my personality type. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying, and my biggest revelation is that as angry as I am about wife/mother stereotypes, I am not immune to prescribing to gender stereotypes either. So the only way I can ever have kids is to redefine what motherhood means to me and see if I can make it work with my personality. But that starts with me learning to truly respect a man who is willing to stay home with the kids.
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So…a stay at home dad that cheats on his wife is a complete loser, and a stay at home mom that cheats is bored and taken for granted? Either you didn’t articulate what you’re trying to get across very well or this is just a huge double standard.
Heh…I can completely relate. I’m an INFJ, and I knew from the time I was a little girl that I would never go the traditional, SAHM route. And, I knew I would never get along with a man who expected that.
Serendipitously, I married an ESFJ. Although my husband isn’t really a SAHD, he works from home. I am the primary breadwinner and he takes care of most of the household stuff (shopping, chores, picking up our daughter from school, etc.). His obsessing over details and social niceties sometimes drives me mad, and he’s often frustrated because continually forget things like birthdays and I just don’t SEE the dirt in our house, but in the grand scheme of things it works pretty well for us.
I guess my message is that if you are an exceptional/unusual woman, you need an exceptional/unusual man. And don’t be afraid to differ from societal norms.
Wicked, it’s definitely a double standard. And that’s really the point - I think a lot of women and men share this double standard. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it’s there.
Tracy,
I am the primary breadwinner and he takes care of most of the household stuff … His obsessing over details and social niceties sometimes drives me mad, and he’s often frustrated because continually forget things like birthdays and I just don’t SEE the dirt in our house…
This is exactly me and my husband. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there who just doesn’t fit social norms…
I can definitely understand the desire to be a good wife/mom. And if I went by the expectations that I perceive, I’d be the world’s crappiest wife ever. But what really matters is that my husband doesn’t have those expectations. As far as he’s concerned, I am a good wife because I love him and care for him in a way that works for us. He would be perfectly content to be a SAHD but he wouldn’t need to be one to be content.
Our kids will probably be a bit odd as a result of it but I’m not too worried about that just yet. Part of me wishes I had the urge to stay at home but part of me realizes that I would rather own a business and just have flexible hours.
I’m an INTJ and have always known that I don’t want kids and marriage is a big maybe (certainly not required, especially if I don’t want kids). THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS POSITION. Not everyone should have children and that’s a good thing! Stop beating yourself up about your feelings and trying to change yourself into something you’re not. You’ll just make a terrible mother and screw up a new generation. If more people would realize that children aren’t for them, this world would be in a much better position.
Having a companion animal–particularly a dog–can be as consuming as having a child. And more so when you realize that an animal needs you to care for them for their entire lives. They don’t eventually go off to college or backpack across Europe.
I hope you’re able to work things out with your puppy. But if not, I hope you’re able to find the dog a truly loving and stable environment. Not to hammer on you, but this is why it’s not a good idea to “practice” on animals or to just try them on for size. It’s not fair to them if the arrangement doesn’t work out.
Anyways, this is an interesting post. I actually always thought I’d stay home with kids but given my current relationship, that seems unlikely. I may end up with a SAHD and I have to admit, it’s not my first choice and I’m working out how I feel about it. Though I think in the end, it may be more suitable for my boyfriend and I than the default plan of dad work/mom home. Although I want to be a mother, I don’t think I could manage completely focusing on them. I also couldn’t manage completely focusing on my career. I think I’ve learned I most enjoy focusing on myself!
Have you ever had your personality tested professionally? That might interest you. Your results could be different than you think and, when administerd by a counselor, you’ll see HOW introverted you are, not just that you’re introverted. It’s very illuminating.
Dorie, your insight is huge. What really matters more than societal views is how the two people in the relationship work out their family/career roles. Thank you for pointing that out.
Cara, I agree with you. Too many people have children they don’t actually want. What’s hard for me is not that I want to change who I am, but I feel like society does.
I think what’s most interesting is the role of gender when having children. Societal roles dictate men don’t have to be super nurturing to do well with parenting, but women do.
The opposite is true for careers. Society dictates men should be good at business, and the ones who aren’t are looked down upon.
Not sure why this still is, but I think it’s more prevalent in today’s society than we’d care to admit.
Joselle, oh no! I definitely don’t have a puppy - I was staying at a friends house and they have a puppy. I understand that puppies are a huge commitment, which is why I don’t have one right now. Sorry for the confusion.
I don’t think anyone can focus on kids completely. It would be nice for stay at home moms and dads to have a part-time job they can escape to, where they can speak with other adults.
Maybe the stay-at-home part is the new determining factor in who you should marry. Since the roles of men and women are getting more blurred, it should be a priority to figure out if your careers are compatible with each other, and your future children.
Thanks to everyone for the comments so far! Very insightful.
Fascinating article Monica, and great comments also. One thought that occurs to me, inspired by something you just wrote:
I think what’s most interesting is the role of gender when having children. Societal roles dictate men don’t have to be super nurturing to do well with parenting, but women do.
The opposite is true for careers. Society dictates men should be good at business, and the ones who aren’t are looked down upon.
Not sure why this still is, but I think it’s more prevalent in today’s society than we’d care to admit.
You introduce in interesting nature vs. nurture twist here. While it’s clear that not every woman is built for motherhood, the same way not every man is built for business, it seems that both “stereotypes” tend to be true on the whole. I have to wonder how much of this pull is driven by actual physiology rather than just societal conditioning. I think when we keep saying “society dictates,” we may not be looking at the whole story.
I actually have thought about this lately, as another INTJ! It’s important to remember that not all kids need the same kind of a mom. Kids are as different as all of us are, and I think it is a disservice to assume that each child is best with a certain type of mom. Certain personality types might be more disposed to contentment in that role, or more fitting of the stereotype, and that is great. But even though I am not predisposed to wanting it to look like it does for others, I know I want kids and there is a true value in what I can bring to the lives of the next generation. I was talking with one of my coworkers about it, and she pointed out that it might not be about your personality as a parent or what you do, but more about if you are happy doing it. It’s a good point! There are SAHM’s out there who love it and are happy, and still have messed up children. Thank goodness my parents helped me realize (by example) it is OK to be outside societal “norms” and still be happy about who I am. And thank goodness for those people who are willing to support and accept us as we are, let’s do them the favor too!
Monica, thanks for clearing the puppy thing up!
I’m glad to hear that.
Sounds to me like you need to expand your pool of friends, colleagues and acquaintances. You said “I’ve been told my entire life that women get married, have kids, and clean their houses”. You also said “Societal roles dictate men don’t have to be super nurturing to do well with parenting, but women do.” Are you seriously saying that all the successful women you know are married, nurturing mothers who scrub toilets?
Here’s my challenge. Make a list of the 10 women you most admire. Assign one point to each woman who is married; another point for each child; another point if she’s nurturing; and another if she cleans. I think you’ll find that the so-called societally dictated roles are not very reflective of reality.
There are tons of women breaking stereotypes every day.
I told my boyfriend of 12 years on our first date that I didn’t want marriage or children. That hasn’t changed. I hear no biological clock, I feel no second hand strumming through my biology. I enjoy children but I don’t want any of my own. I find it sad that women still today are feeling like they are so wrong to not travel down the traditional path of marriage, children and the proverbial self sacrafice.
Sean, this is so true. I’m big on theory, and one of my theories is that not many women are INTP/J - that’s it’s mostly men. And that the opposite is true for men’s personality types that would make good housewives.
I think it’s a bit of both nurture and nature - there is a lot of research about the way boys and girls are raised that shows where these disparities come from.
SL - great point about children needing different types of parents. The thing is, you really can’t predict how your children will be. My parents tell me all the time how nothing they did with me worked to parent my younger brother. So it’s still a bit of a gamble, right?
But something you made me think of - if you really want to do something you will make it work. So even if you aren’t the most nurturing person, you can still have children if you really want them - you will make time for them.
Connie, I think a better challenge is to name 10 women who would say they have a successful career, successful marriage, a clean house, and spend enough time with their children. It’s so challenging I can’t even name one woman.
The point here is really that no one can be good at everything. Maybe it’s not that women don’t want to do everything - be a good wife, good mom, good employee - or even that they don’t have time. Maybe it’s that the skills needed for each of these roles are so different that it’s impossible for one woman to do well in all of them.
JL Robinson, you are very lucky to know what you want, and I agree, it’s difficult for women to decide not to have children because most have been raised assuming they will have children. Something for all of us to think about.
Thanks for the comments!
There is no reason you should have kids if you don’t want to. It’s optional. Think of it like an interesting career opportunity: there if you want it; but if it doesn’t work out, oh well–you’ll take advantage of other opportunities, and this one might not have been for you anyway.
I never wanted kids. I’ve known this since I was ten years old. I’m not selfish or mean or evil, and I don’t hate kids. It’s just not a life path that compels me, and everyone has the right to choose their own. Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty for not being the way you feel you “should” be. It just makes you unhappy for no reason.