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Email ThisAn article caught my eye earlier this week on MSN about the (apparent) dearth of single, successful women who (gasp) may never find a man.
The article sites the following as the major obstacles these women are facing:
1. They want someone as successful as they are
2. Little time leftover for dating after work and other priorities
But there is one that stands out as the bigger issue:
3. They simply intimidate their male counterparts
I recently had a conversation with Guy I’ve Been Seeing about this very thing. I’m not exactly your prototypical hard-as-nails businesswoman. I don’t think they’ve existed since the ‘80s and the days of mandatory hosiery in the office, so let’s just kill that stereotype now. I am, however, very driven and motivated, like so many of my fellow successful Gen Y females.
Since high school, my intelligence and my inability to hide behind a pretty, artificially dumbed-down exterior has gotten in the way of my love life. I began to notice the trend in college, when one of my friends pointed out to me that guys were probably just intimidated by me. Me? I asked. I’m 5’ 3”, a buck-nothing. How is that intimidating? A boyfriend confirmed the theory. “You’ve always intimidated me,” he said. “You’re smart, but in a business way that I’m not.”
GIBS couldn’t believe this. “You? Intimidating? How?” he said. I explained to him about how most guys (I’m speaking from experience now) would rather have someone who is a little less complicated, a little easier, with a little more time on their hands… in essence, they would rather be the alpha. I don’t work well with that. I don’t like being the alpha either, though.
That’s where the real problems start to happen. It’s a difficult balance to find – a guy that challenges you would have to be at your level in some sense, pursuing his own goals, career, and success, who is also supportive of your success, and who is looking for that type of woman. Not to mention all the other little stuff people like in relationships, like compatibility, shared values and common interests, etc.
That’s not to say I haven’t had boyfriends. Up until the past year, I was in a string of long-term relationships since high school. The problem was that the guys I ended up with simply didn’t have the cojones to challenge me the way I needed to be back then. I’ve finally learned how to challenge myself, but I think I’d still like someone who is working on achieving his own big dreams and goals.
So, now here I am at 26, single for the first time since college and I’m being given a fairly bleak outlook. The more successful I become, the harder it’s going to be to connect.
But see, I don’t think these women are sitting around at home, crying into their Chardonnay about it. I think the article totally misses the point. These women aren’t willing to settle for anything less than what they want because the lesson their success has taught them is that they can achieve great things in spite of the odds. They are Whole People who aren’t okay with accepting anything less than another Whole Person.
Speaking for myself, I have accepted the idea that I could possibly never be married. Some people might say that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think it is. Fifty percent of all marriages in divorce, remember? A very small fraction of married folk believe their marriage could in divorce. Who’s fooling whom here? If I can be okay with being single for potentially the rest of my life, then I am not going to wait around to do things. I’m going to charge full force. And somewhere out there, there is a guy who thinks that’s hot. He’s the guy for me.
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Very interesting article! Relationships are always tricky, no matter how old you are. While there are many men who feel uncomfortable with successful women, I know several of us who aren’t and a lot of what you said applies to why some of us can’t land a woman either.
I was reading an article (sorry can’t remember where), that discussed how high achievers are expecting the same characteristics and perhaps that could be the problem.
“…the guys I ended up with simply didn’t have the cojones to challenge me…”
I had an ex who consistently dated guys who were far “weaker” than she was. Trouble was, when we dated, she couldn’t handle the challenge, so that didn’t work out. Careful what you wish for!
I like to believe that relationships can be equally balanced, but there’s a part of me that feels that one person will generally have the upper hand, so if you have a strong personality, you might not necessarily want someone who’s as strong as you are! I’m still trying to figure this one out as I want a woman who will challenge me as well!
Great article, overall, but do you really mean “dearth?” Dearth means lack, but the article you pointed to mentions an abundance of successful women who can’t find a man.
Thanks for this interesting read.
I read this article too, and we came to the same conclusion. It is hard to be a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. But I agree completely, you can’t dumb yourself down and deny yourself opportunity just because you want companionship. No one will be happy. And I know, for me personally, I did find that guy who didn’t try to put me in a box and thinks my gutsy and intelligent attitude is cool
And hey, shouldn’t they like a challenge?
@ Ian: After some self-examination, I came to the conclusion that I, too, had been purposely choosing guys who were not on my level, either intellectually or ambition-wise. This little bit of insight into myself has allowed me to correct that pattern though. I enjoy a good challenge!
@ Clay: Thanks for the catch! I don’t know where that came from, but I changed it on my blog to “amplitude.” More fitting, don’t you think?
@ Beth: Right on! Every time someone tells me about how she found a guy who likes her drive and ambition, it gives me hope and inspires me to keep doing what I’m doing. Thanks!
@ Beth…good post. I have a variation of Ian’s take.
I’ve always been attracted to intelligent women that can challenge me…writer, sales woman, teacher, etc. The key for me, I found through trial and error, is they have to challenge me on different levels than my own. For instance, I dated a med student (completely out of my realm), but I learned a lot from her. My current gf is about to nab her MBA. Her strength is finance and mine is marketing. If our strengths were the same, I think she’d kick my butt up and down the street ;->.
We both love business, but we both bring a different “take” to the table.
BraVA!