In the 1980’s, California legislators believed that low self esteem was a leading cause of crime among urban youth. They created a task force to boost children’s self esteem in schools
Here are four messages (lies, really) from those self-esteem classes that are completely out of touch with reality.
You can do anything you set your mind to. Determination and drive can get you far, but a lot of successful careers depend on things that are out of your control. For example, if I want to be an author, my manuscript might never get read if I don’t personally know an agent who will pick my work from the slush pile. I’d better hope that the market for the type of book I write is booming, or agents and publishers will turn it down. Then I have to get lucky enough to have my book sell well, or nobody will want to publish my second book. I can set my mind to it all I want, but outside factors have a lot to do with who succeeds and who fails. It’s not so inspiring to tell kids “you can do some things you set your mind to, with luck.” But as adults, that’s our reality.
Just be yourself. This has been the driving message of kids’ movies, books, and cartoons since I can remember. The key to being popular, successful, and loved is to just let your natural personality shine through. The problem is that not all of us have a personality that lends itself well to success in the corporate world. If you’re naturally shy, you probably won’t self-promote enough. If you’re really loud and gregarious, you might offend or annoy people. The key to success in corporate life often isn’t “be yourself;” it’s “fit in.”
If at first you don’t succeed, try-try-again. We sang this as a kids’ song in elementary school. And maybe it works for learning to tie your shoes or do long division. But at work, trying the same thing over and over to bad results isn’t a good strategy. Instead, you’re better served analyzing why you failed—and creating a new plan. As adults, a better song would be “if at first you don’t succeed, try something different.”
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I completely agree with you. I am 24 and I know all of these messages that have been blanketing generation Y for all this time.
You would really like a certain section in Glenn Beck’s new book “An Inconvenient Book” that talks about this exact problem.
When we give trophies to 2nd, 3rd and 14th place it really takes away from the feeling and drive to be number 1 and getting what you deserve. It all also falls in line with kids not being able to play things like dodgeball in school anymore cause someone might get hurt!
We are raising kids to be wimps and depend on other people, which leads to them depending on the government for things like healthcare and housing and everything else.
I think our founding fathers and the pilgrim settlers would look at this world in disgust today after what they went through, happily I might add.
Thank goodness my mother and father (and older brother) had enough sense to tell me a few things like this growing up, mainly that someone will always be better than you at something. And that’s OK.
Yeah - there is definately an over sensativity thing going on. That is one thing that I am going to try and avoid with my children. I personally am not a fan for the “every one” wins idea. The best lessons are learned from a defeat in my opinion.
Great post! Unfortunately, I have to disagree with your 3rd “lie”.
“The key to success in corporate life often isn’t ‘be yourself;’ it’s ‘fit in.’”
To me, “being yourself” means that you acknowledge your skills AND weakness and make efforts to improve and effectively adapt.
I’ve seen several people make the mistake of trying to “fit in” and are miserable. How many people do know who weren’t being themselves in order to “fit in” for an interview, got the job and realized they were a terrible fit for the organization? This is bad news for everyone.
Be yourself. If your “self” can use some improvement, then do that, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to “fit in” if it’s not who you really are.
I could add the following 5th lie:
“If you work hard enough and long enough, everything will work out - eventually - and it will all be worth it in the end.”
The good part about the self esteem movement, is that Millennials don’t seem to get paralyzed at the idea of failing. I.e. So what if I screw up?
At the same time, I think they have a harder time accepting failure. I.e. What do you mean this report is not good enough? I tried my best!
A lot of your 20s involves screwing up and getting knocked down at work. For Xers and Boomers, we were used to it from high school. Our formative years were all about failing. There was only 1 winner. Not everyone made the soccer team. You had to “try out” for most things (like the school newspaper) and there was no guarantee that you’d get it. I get the feeling that Millennials didn’t have the experience in their teens (i.e. everyone gets a trophy!) and that’s one of their challenges in their 20s. But it’s okay. There’s always something. It’s not like Boomers and Xers didn’t have their “issues,” too.
By the way. LOVED the article. I will link to it.
Four lies my parents told me:
1) You’re stupid and retarded
2) You deserve to be beaten just because you’re such an embarassment to us.
3)Anything spent on you is a waste
4) You’ll never amount to anything more than a waste of oxygen
Spent many decades overcoming it all.
So much for my self-esteem….
To JRandom- Did that say that to you while sitting in a stained chair in ripped jean shorts with a beer can between their legs and a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of their mouth or what?
If that is true it is sad.
One of the worst experiences I had, that pisses me off to this day, is a guidance councilor looked over my grades and told me I would not be able to get into a college. That I should look into a tech school because my chances were slim.
I went on to graduate from one college, start at another for a second (related) degree while working as a server for extra cash. She came in one day with a party of people to celebrate her retirement. I told her what she originally told me, told her where I was in life and then left her in front of all of her peers with “I am glad that you are not overseeing kids in the school system anymore, the school is better off without your pessimist views”.
Needless to say, the rest of the table looked a little shocked but I had been dreaming of seeing her again just to say that. Could I have gotten fired for being rude to a guest? Sure, but I told my manager first and he laughed and told me to do it!
Determination actually can overcome sometimes….
GenerationXpert - Gen Y still went through tryouts for things. We didn’t have 100 people on the soccer team or anything.
I think the biggest difference is our parents got involved and told us it was “unfair” that we didn’t make the cut.
I was in choir in high school (which is a pretty dramatic group of people for an extracurricular) and every time we had tryouts for something big, like a musical or the jazz choir, my director had tons of angry parents calling her office, demanding their child be allowed to tryout again, or whatever.
So the problem is really that our parents validated that “the system was unfair” rather than telling us that the other person was a better fit for the role.
Enter corporate, and now we struggle with rejection for jobs and promotions.
You write beautifully!
I am relieved that your self-expression is in such healthy form despite these lies.
At least you are sufficiently aware not to pass on the same mistakes to the next generation.
*Your best try is good enough.
That should merely be re-worded: Your best is your best shot at success.
*You can do anything you set your mind to.
That should merely be re-worded, as well: You can do more than you ever thought you could if you put more effort into something than you think you have.
*Just be yourself.
Reworded: Don’t act fake; genuinely improve yourself.
*If at first you don’t succeed, try-try-again.
No rewording required. It doesn’t say, “try the same thing over again until you get it right.” It says keep trying. Clearly that can mean keep trying new ways to do something by learning from previous failures.
People aren’t wrong in what they’re attempting to teach their kids–they’re just lousy at extrapolating the real meaning out of overly generalized “advice.”
JRandom42,
I didn’t get beaten, but I was constantly told similar outrageous lies. I don’t have anything profound to offer, just thought I’d second your motion.
“To JRandom- Did that say that to you while sitting in a stained chair in ripped jean shorts with a beer can between their legs and a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of their mouth or what?”
To Polijunkie-No, they actually said it to a bruised and bleeding 4 year old, huddled in a corner of the dining room. It was repeated multiple times daily until I was drafted at 18. Came back from Vietnam and didn’t see or speak to either of my parents til the day they died. Stayed in the Army, till I was wounded and medically discharged short of retirement. Took the CS degree I earned during my time in the Army (U of Maryland is pretty awesome), and made my own career and life. Life as a CIO (finally!)of a growing midsize business is good, as well as being happily married for the past 2 decades.